I’m around the house, you know. Every six-eight weeks for the past year I’d get volcanically sick for three days and be out for a week trying to get back, with no clue why. 25 pounds underweight, forced to stay in a hospital and quitting the labor force to try and get better, my boss reeled me back with FMLA offer of 90 days off. I finally got a diagnosis, got on a benign medication for life and I’m soon to be a corporate cog again. I re-enter that land of enchantment in 13 days.
For the first time in my life I had to ask myself this question: what if I never get better and make it out of the house? Jesus, Mary & Joseph, what if I had been expected to spend my entire working career in the house?
I’m not clueless in these four walls; in fact, I’m a notorious homebody, I only like leaving for food shopping and movies. I scratched my travel itch in this life, I’d even rather stay home on vacations, frankly. Even so, facing permanent domicile status made me look at literal American domestic politics with a new, and ultimately much more respectful perspective.
The first phosphorous round of insight was the crashing reality of the American horror show of working parents and lack of daycare. This country falls apart without healthy families, yet our children need care while both parents are forced to work to make it here. It’s just astounding that forcing both parents to work with no help in raising an incredibly vital national resource, our children, is a reality in this country.
[While I was off my wife gleefully cancelled all of our daughter’s daycare and gave me instant status as a Prince of Rides. It’s a huge, painful issue that soon my daughter must go back to relatively shabby, expensive daycare, and my work schedule has been drastically altered so daycare can be cut back 65% this year, which we had started before my leave.]
Only with a corporate press and Republicans in power could this incredibly powerful issue of daycare been so shamefully neglected for so long–other civilized countries do not put their families through this and help with enviable daycare, Jesus and the saints save us.
I finally got a true glimmer of understanding to feminine political anger in this country. Women were expected to raise the children, then they had to go to work and nothing was done for the family, yet somehow working mothers are expected to handle everything. This is a plain outrage, and the fucking Democratic party has horribly failed its people yet again–no rationalizations or lying works as to how daycare is not on the political agenda in this country.
I’ve been a lifelong member of Kaiser Permanente, I’ve got no complaints, but I had to deal with an insurance company for my leave and it was a sorry, infuriating disgrace. This, too, is a horrifying failure of the Democratic party, how healthcare is not a flaming banner of victory for 2006 and 2008. At some point rationalizations and excuses are just not acceptable on any level for political leadership, the vital human issues causing so much horrifying pain is their duty to alleviate, no matter where it leads them or how uncomfortable it is. I mean, if Americans can’t take care of their children or get healthcare, why the fuck be a politician at all? We all know Republicans do it to pay off their rich cronies, but Democrats are supposed to be different.
No, I don’t give a shit if criticizing the party possibly hurts it. It’s my party too, I’m forever told not to leave to make it stronger, so deal with it.
We all are nothing without a good and healthy home, yet as a society we attach so little status to performing the duty well. Shopping, cleaning, cooking, driving, home ownership…throw in a few kids and mate who spent the day away from the house and thinks sex is a good idea when rest can finally be had and oy, one has found a very, very tough work career. No paycheck, expense account, bonuses or travel, either.
As I get ready to go back I’m vastly relieved not to have to attempt facing that, what a raw deal, truly. I’m amazed and very respectful that so many women handled it so well for so long in this country, and I’m going to do much more in attempting to get daycare and healthcare on the American political agenda. This is simply an unbelievable condition for a rich, modern democracy and it will not stand.
First of all, I’m so glad you’re doing so much better physically. What a hell of a hard year you’ve all had. Many sympathies.
Second, nice diary with a lot of truth in it. Frankly, I don’t know how most people do it–male or female–in this society that makes so much that’s basic to life so hard. The basic underlying encouragement to work work work in order to spend spend spend is insane and cruel. Etc.
There’s nothing like being temporarily in someone else’s shoes, is there? After my divorce I got a lot more respect for men who are sole breadwinners and all they go through, too. The pressure can be unbearable on both sides of the gender divide.
I’m genuinely curious, so please don’t flame me for asking this.
How necessary are those two incomes for many families? I’m talking about middle-class families where both adults have full time, decent-paying jobs.
Here are two examples from two women I knew in Grad school (in the 90s). Both are white-collar professionals.
A worked in sales, selling things to the government. I’d guess she made around 50K. Her husband was similarly compensated, and also worked full time. They have two small children. She spent, per month: $1,600 on day care. In addition, she paid roughly $400 a month for her minivan, plus insurance — let’s say $500 total. They had a very nice house. I’d guess half of the mortgage was at least $600. I don’t know how much she had to spend on clothes and dry-cleaning, but I’d guess $150-200 a month. Then there was the housekeeper — probaby another $200. At that point, her take-home, plus some of her husband’s, was gone. She and her husband fought about money all the time.
B worked at a university and made about $40K a year. Her husband stayed at home with their kids. They had one car that still had a payment (about $300 a month), and an older car that was paid for. They lived in a small house with a mortgage of about $700. They did their own housework, the husband did his own home improvement, and they didn’t eat out a lot. They gardened a bit, and she did some sewing. They didn’t fight about money.
Guess which one of these women has more money saved, and which one scrambles to pay credit card bills every month? I wonder how many couples in this country fall into the trap of believing that they both HAVE to work, when they really don’t?
Paradox, I’m not saying that’s your situation at all, but it’s something I think about a lot.
Thanks for that essay, it is always really interesting to me to learn how someone’s lightbulb goes on about gender issues.
I became disabled at age 29 (I’m 35 now), and while I don’t have any children, home is now my primary domain in a way that I never expected or planned for my life. I’m faced with a lot of tough decisions & problems to manage about healthcare, and Medicare, and all of that. I’m also queer and single, so I don’t have precisely the same sort of gender issues regarding division of labor that many straight married people have to negotiate, but it’s interesting to note that these divisions often do still exist among queer folks, and not infrequently in similar gendered configurations regarding which partner does which chores and/or brings home however much of the family income.
I often think it would do people a world of good to immerse themselves in someone else’s experience, even if only for a short time, because the understanding you get from lived experience usually beats anything you can read about or learn about any other way. Anyway, I’m glad you’re feeling better and I really appreciate that you’re going to use your experience to fuel a commitment to working for better daycare and healthcare options.
I, too, am glad you are on the mend.
And I appreciate your experience and what you have come to recognize. Our culture is not supportive of families – heck, it isn’t people friendly at all.
There have been efforts to make daycare both good and affordable. Patricia Schroeder of Colorado worked very hard when she was a rep.
One of the problems with daycare is that the people who need it are so dang busy, they have no time to advocate for it.
Another is that it feels like an individual’s or couple’s “challenge” to deal with – we don’t look for community or government assistance.
Another difficulty to working for some kind of improvement is that the “problem” goes away. Children grow up, enter school, etc. And the issue of daycare fades from a personal perspective.
BTW Supreme Court nominee Samual Alito wrote an opinion that Congress did not have authority to require state employers to comply with the Family and Medical Leave Act.
And I also I agree with your assessment that the Democratic party is failing its people again.
Good diary – thanks.