A few days ago I took an online quiz that was a way to detemine whether I am a left brain dominated or right brain dominated person. According to the quiz I’m right brain dominated which means, among other things, that my thoughts can be abstract and difficult for me to express. That part is certainly true of me. I’ve always struggled to convey in spoken or written words, exactly how I see, feel, and interpret things. As something of an artist I wish I could paint a picture for you and show you with colors and shapes and patterns how I see things and most importantly how I see each of you. I would start with purple because that’s my favorite color and within purple are many other colors that have to come together to make purple possible. I wish I could body paint the world’s people in purple as my simplistic way of reminding us all that we are all the same.
It’s now believed in scientific terms that we all originate from one African woman. Others believe in a single creator who gave us all life. I accept that many, even a majority of us believe that, even if I can’t. The thought, or fact as I see it that we are all children of one black African Mother is comforting and satisfying to me. It’s also ironic in the extreme to me in light of the way we treat each other so often based on our notions of a person’s worthiness relating to what color they are, who they choose to love, whether they are woman or man, or what ethnic culture they represent. As supposedly advanced life forms we have come to a level of understanding of ourselves that many, but I don’t believe all, other species haven’t. Of these understandings I think that three stand out. Mortality, jealosy, and the ability to love. The ability to hate ranks right up there too but I choose to believe, or hope at least that that emotion is a product of our more primitive brains.
Here in our Pond I’ve found a certain level of understanding and kinship with all of you that I haven’t been able to find in the outside world. I would like to think that we here represent the finer qualities and higher aspirations of our species. And still there are times when through ignorance, arrogance, jealosy, or laziness, we hurt each other. I think that those hurts are more accutely felt here because if you are like me you have come to expect better things from this gathering of souls. We want and need to believe that we are further along the road to harmony than the rest of the world. Afterall, we’re liberals. We’re inclusive and tolerant. We like to think that we have an evolved understanding of each other. And then something happens that challenges and jars our belief in those ideals.
Last night I found out why two of the people I respect the most are no longer here. If I had been really paying attention it wouldn’t have come as such a surprise. But I wasn’t. I was lazy and falling back on my more primitive self. I feel that some of my comments in the last couple of weeks have been a part of the reasons why those people left. Even in the face of my own discomfort with the recent hurtful issues I chose to remain lazy and primitive. I chose to ignore the better part of me that was telling me that I was wrong.
Others chose to remain here after obviously struggling with the hurt that they felt and whether or not they could honestly remain a part of this community. Still others are struggling to reach out and help us all to better understand just how hurtfull these events have been to them. And sadly there are still those among us who for whatever reasons can’t or won’t face the core problem. That is distressing to me because I have come to respect and yes love each of you in different ways in the same way I respect and marvel at your diversity and beauty. I wish that our common love of one another would be enough to keep us together but I’m not that naive. Unconditional love is a quality that our species has not advanced far enough to fully embrace. There are still so many things that cause us to feel seperate, different, and superior to others. I fully include myself in these feelings of bias. I could write a list of reasons and excuses for why those traces of my rascist upbringing and immersion in my rascist culture have caused me to reveal myself from time to time but that would be lazy and irresponsible and dishonest.
Clearly I have a long way to go. But I’m hopeful that at least I’m on the right path as I believe all of you are. And I welcome and expect that I will need to be clobbered from time to time with the baseball bat of truth by those still willing to pick it up and swing it even when the umpire is saying you are out at home plate. Please keep swinging.
The internet, and our community here is a strange and wonderful thing. A year ago I wouldn’t have thought it possible that the people I hold in the highest regard, my closest friends, would be found here. It wasn’t the real world to me. I dismissed it all as fanciful and a little voyueristic. And then I had the opportunity to step out from in front of the moniter and meet some of you in person. By that time I had come to think that I knew those people pretty well. As it turns out, I had a pretty good idea but found that my expectations were far exceeded when I finally did meet those people. What an amazing thing to shake a hand or hug a person that until then had been somewhat unreal for lack of a better word. My initial love for those people blossomed and exploded into something I had thought not possible. Those friendships are lifetime friendships now. When I think of people I love, those of you whom I’ve met are among those in my life that I love most. Then there is the anticipation of meeting more of you that I feel love for and how those people will become a permanent part of who I am. Then there are those of you who I will never meet face to face and yet through this last almost year now have come to love nonetheless.
There is another aspect of internet relations that helps us, I think, to set aside preconcieved notions of others as colors, genders, cultures, and free lovers. It is the anonymity we have because we can’t see each other even though images are definetily formed within our imaginations. One of the women I respect most here expressed her feelings about this recent mess. She was among those wonderful and beautiful women who responded to my first diary here asking for advice as a Father raising two daughters. She taught me a very important and uncomfortable lesson last night as she retold her story of her experience as a non white child facing a brutal attack on her sensibilities and beliefs that we are the same and there for each other. It never occured to me that she wasn’t white. I wish I could say that the anonymity of the internet negated all preconcieved notions that I’ve obviously been harboring within me but I can’t say that and be honest with her, you, and myself. This lesson is causing me to feel shame. I had hoped for better from myself but it’s brutally clear that I have a long, long way to go. To her I want to say that I’m so sorry for subconsiously labeling you as white. I’m hoping she stays. I’m hoping all who’ve been hurt will stay and I’m hoping that those who’ve left find a way back. They are so terribly missed and intergal to this community.
I choose to remain hopeful that our human ability to love will help us to remain commited to one another even when our own actions hurt the ones we love and respect most. I’m hopeful that those of us who still don’t understand how and why these things have been hurtful will not shut down and retreat in self defense. The highest quality that humans possess is the ability to ponder and reflect on complex ideas and at least validate each other. I hope. We are all the children of that one Black African Mother. We need to rise to meet our potential.
This song has been in my head all morning but since I’m on my son’s Mac right now and I don’t know how to copy and paste with it, I’ll just write it out. It’s a verse from Art Garfunkels beautiful song All I Know. This is how I feel about all of you. All of you. With special thanks to a certain treasured, and somewhat fossilized friendly terrorist :o)
“I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise too easily
Too easily to let it show
I love you and that’s all I know”
