Some of you may be aware that I have been nominated for 2 (two) “Koufax Awards,” one for Best Writing and one for Most Deserving of Wider Recognition, or as the young folks say, “best blog nobody reads.”
Perusing the nomination site, I was unable to avoid noticing that I am not the only one nominated in either category. Each category, in fact, it is fair to say, is chock-a-block, teeming, spilling over with a veritable roiling, shrieking smorgasbord of nominees. And a very fine bunch they are, too. Many are said to be daily bathers, and more than one is no stranger to dental floss. It is a very great honor to be among such exalted company.
Only one, however, is me. I believe that this fact alone sets me quite apart from the rest, but it may not be enough for some people, and I understand that the culturally acceptable thing to do when asking for votes is to make promises. Accordingly, I have prepared several suitable promises for the occasion, promises which I feel confident in stating that none of the other nominees, distinguished though they may be, have had either the courtesy nor the common temerity to make. So without further ado:
I promise that if you vote for me, you will have shinier and more manageable hair.
You will get perfect rice every time.
Your haiku skills will improve.
You will not develop unsightly running sores or other complexion blemishes.
For you, plastic wrap will cling, not snarl.
Whenever you call an 800 number, nice people will be standing by.
When doves cry, Prince will be singing just for you.
At last, you will believe it tastes like butter.
New and exciting surprise promises may manifest themselves at any time.
Of course, if you really want to stick it to the corporate lackeys, you’ll vote for me twice.
This would also have the added effect of thwarting my long term plan to be nominated for Koufaxes every year for a long time, and lose, thus becoming the Susan Lucci of the Koufax Awards. So if you happen to be one of those people who do not believe that I deserve such an honor, I neither can nor should stop you from expressing that in the only way available to you.