This is all cut and paste but, as always, it’s instructive to see who is the butt of the jokes on late night. No surprise and there are some good ones: Best of starts here:
“When he [President Bush] was in India he saw a woman with the red dot on her head. He thought she had been hunting with Cheney.”
–Bill Maher
Vice President Cheney has donated two million dollars to the
cardiovascular center that treats him. Actually it’s more of
an advance than a donation.
–Conan O’Brien
President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed on a
landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would
share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India. And, in
exchange, India would take all our jobs.”
–Tina Fey
“They just seem to be wrapped in bubbles, surrounded by sycophants. Bush was in Tampa today in front of one of those invited audiences he speaks to. The first question, this is not a joke, said the nation was blessed to have Bush as president. That was a question. The second one referred to Jeb as ‘your great brother.’ You know, at least when Clinton got blown it was in private.” –Bill Maher
“President Bush got off the plane in Pakistan and said,
‘Pakistan is a force for freedom in the Arab world.’ Only problem there is Pakistan is not free and they’re not Arab.
–Bill Maher
“I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn’t be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”
–Jon Stewart (hosting the Academy Awards)
“Today is President Abe Lincoln’s birthday. He was six-foot- four and had a beard. If he was alive today he would be detained by the Department of Homeland Security.”
–David Letterman
“Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about
perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just
showed up.”
–Bill Maher
“Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security.”
–Bill Maher
“Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. I don’t want to say Fox News was lenient, but the first question they asked was, ‘Who do you like in American Idol?'”
–Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, ‘Well does a vice president shoot in the woods?'”
–David Letterman
“Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They called it ‘Interview with a Marksman.'”
–Jay Leno
“A mere five days after shooting a man in the face, Vice President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the incident by submitting to a no-holds-barred grilling at a public press conference. I’m just kidding. … Actually, he sat down with Brit Hume on Fox News for not so much a grilling
— more of a teat suckle.”
–Jon Stewart
“It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn’t have a license to go into Iraq.”
–David Letterman
“The man who was shot [by Dick Cheney] is named Harry
Whittington. He’s a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn’t killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops.”
–Jimmy Kimmel
“Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said ‘Oh my god, what the hell happened here?'” –Conan O’Brien
“George Clooney won for Syriana, which was about the CIA and what people will do for oil. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, a love story.” –Jay Leno
“On the port deal, a lot of Republican congressmen are saying let’s not rush to judgment, let’s investigate it and be sure of our facts. Gee, too bad they didn’t try that before we invaded Iraq.” –Jay Leno
“They’re now talking about bringing in a guy from Dubai to run the country” –Jay Leno, on Bush’s low approval ratings
“Even Tom DeLay is saying this port deal is a big mistake. He said if the people of Dubai want to be involved in our government, they should do it through proper channels and write me a big giant campaign check.” –Jay Leno