I confess, I am an anchor baby. Well, actually, an anchor grandbaby. Or, as I prefer to call myself, an anchor offshoot. My alien foreparents and I have had our sins revealed very publicly of late. The shame weighs heavily on me at the moment, so I’ve decided that the best thing is to make a clean confession of our sins. Yes, thanks to the wise counsel of persons such as Tom Tancredo and others, I freely agree that the following noted faults of alien immigrants and their offshoots are true, as seen in my family and myself in particular.
1. Illegals and their offshoots breed like rabbits. They have dozens of children who, being citizens by reason of birth here, anchor their parents in this country.
How true. I’ll just give one example – a full confession would be too lengthy. Before birth control was generally available, GGGrandparents of mine – the Grandmale definitely an undesirable alien – had 18 children. GGrandparents had only 10. However, we are striving to make up for this: my four co-offshoots and I have produced only three offspring. This is a point of some confusion to alien offshoot families like mine, as it appears that certain forces in this country want to end the access to birth control that helped my family stop breeding like rabbits. If this happens, offspring of immigrants are going to fill this country – if they haven’t already done so without the knowledge of many citizens. Yes, we did breed like rabbits, we don’t any more, but we may do so again.
2. Illegals and their offshoots feed at the public trough.
How true. We did and we do. My spouse and I live entirely on public funds. I further confess to having at least 14 more family members (4 siblings and 10 other known direct foreparents) who were or are entirely supported by public funds. If I count cousins, of whom there are several (see point 1, above), there are many, many more. A dozen of us, I confess, were, or are, teachers. Two others became politicians. [Note: One of the 14 eventually became a union organizer (See point 3 below).]
3. Illegals and their offshoots consort with known lawbreakers, rebels, and other foreigners.
How true. We did and we do. One of the original anchor children in my family hung out for several years with the most-wanted purveyor of sedition of his time (known terrorist-rebel George Washington). Another was a member of a gang of ruffians under the leadership of a foreign agent who came to this land specifically to overthrow the legal government (French agent Gilbert du Motier, AKA the Marquis de La Fayette). In the recent past, myself, my forebears and co-offshoots have been guilty of breaking laws including trespass of public property by “undesirables” and transport of “undesirables” for purposes other than commerce (various anti-segregation acts). We have also fed and provided objects of shelter to other aliens and alien offshoots, and persuaded innocent clergy and others to protest good business practices such as construction of nuclear warheads and going to war in Iraq. We just can’t seem to accept “the law” as wiser heads have defined it: you know, as in some humans being worth less than other persons, e.g. just 3/5ths as much.
4. The children of illegals take jobs belonging to others.
How true. We did and we do. Another anchor baby descendant of the same alien immigrant as myself took a job that another person might well have had. (In this case, it was the Presidency, and Herbert Hoover, my something cousin, is the alien offshoot who got the job a True American might have had. What, like you don’t have a relative you want to keep in the closet?). My most recent alien foreparent dug ditches throughout his working life in this country. That job certainly should have gone to a citizen. His children, however, wised up and took even easier routes, living off the public (school teachers), soliciting direct donations from members of the public (clergy), or living as kept women (wives bearing various-sized large litters of children).
5. Illegals and their offshoots continue to consort with aliens and hold on to their alien ways.
How true. We did and we do. Some of my illegal forebears and their anchor offshoots and grandoffshoots have not respected the importance of becoming exactly like the True Culture of the nation. Several of the original alien foreparents refused to go to war on behalf of the nation on the basis of dubious religious grounds. Others have conformed only where their own selfish interests were involved. As an example, I cite my alien foreparent who did not speak English until he was into his third decade of life, and then only to entice a fine English-speaking local female into a no doubt debauched relationship masquerading as “marriage”. Another distant cousin with whom I share alien foreparents devoted much of his adult life to fomenting relationships between Americans and aliens of many distant cultures, at public expense (William Fulbright, see 2 above)! My co-nestlings and and I have provided living assistance to alien immigrants with political and religious beliefs quite at odds with the majority of U.S. citizens, and these aliens have had children in this country – more anchor babies. At present, I associate with at least 31 adults of childbearing age whose countries of origin I will not reveal, except to say that 19 different languages are represented. When will it end?
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I suspect Tom Tancredo and his ilk will forgive my family’s trespasses, as my alien forebears immigrated at various points from 1650 through 1850. Of course, we have continued to demonstrate all the deficiencies that immigration opponents so loudly bewail. Several of us are even Democrats.
And why should there be a statute of limitations on such heinous crimes? We violated the original intent of Founding Fathers before the Founding Founders were even born. And so, anchored as we are by multiple generations of immigrant children, I see only one honorable way out. My entire family must resign our jobs, pack up and return to our countries of origin. I`ve bought the tickets on an ocean liner (several ocean liners, in fact, see 1 above). I also reserved some space in steerage for Tancredo and his alien rabble, unless, of course, he comes from a family of original heritage on the American continent. If so, he need only prove his tribal membership. As we pull out of New York harbor and wave good-bye to the restored Ellis Island, I’m sure that the true Americans will see that their gangplank is raised and secured.