We all know now that the claim, first published by Canada’s National Post, that Iran was planning on making Iranian Jews wear a badge for identification purposes, was false. It seems to have originated as part of a psy-ops campaign by Michael Ledeen and his friends, who support a military attack by the US on Iran.
What you don’t know is all of the other proposals for psy-ops disinformation that weren’t selected for dissemination in the media this time. I have recently come into possession of a secret document (I can’t tell you all the details, but it had something to do with a certain disgruntled former employee of Rush Limbaugh) that lists all the proposed “story lines” under consideration before the “Jews wearing badges” narrative was selected as being the one most likely to fool gullible American news organizations. In the interest of full disclosure, I am making the full list of the rejected options available to you now:
1. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attacked America’s Founding Fathers for being hypocrites because even though they proclaimed that all men were created equal, they owned slaves.
— Comment: Rejected because, whether or not anyone would believe Ahmadinejad actually said it, too many people might agree with him that the founding fathers were hypocrites, and another bunch would be asking “What’s so bad about owning slaves?”
2. Former Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Khomeini, was a secret cross-dresser who often wore Victoria Secret bras and panties under his robe.
— Comment: Rejected because, while it was thought it might be believed by many Americans, most focus group reaction found this story too funny for words. It simply didn’t elicit sufficient anger and hostility against Iran to make it useful.
3. Iranian imams have declared a fatwa against Paris Hilton.
— Comment: Rejected because too many focus group participants expressed apathy about Ms. Hilton’s potential demise. The most frequent responses among focus group members were variations of “Good for them!” “So what?” and “Good Riddance. All I ever got from her was a computer virus, anyway.”
4. Iranian secret agents have a plot to kidnap the Bush Twins and use them as human shields at Iran’s nuclear facilities to ward of any US military attack.
— Comment: Rejected. See the comment to the fake “Paris Hilton fatwa” story above.
5. Dr. Evil and Iran have a scheme to irradiate all of the US gold supply at Fort Knox, thus leading to the economic collapse of the West.
— Comment: Rejected. Everyone in the focus group recognized this as merely a rip off of the plot from Austin Powers in Goldmember.
Alas. It’s so tough to come up with a believable national slur these days. All the good ones have already been taken. No wonder they’re recycling oldies.