Senator Frist clutching controversial Telly-Tubby doll Tinky-Wink for emphasis
Washington, DC (APE) – In an exclusive interview with APE, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, M.D. offered an explanation of why the Senate will be taking up a controversial constitutional amendment seeking to ban gay marriage. He offered his unique clinical perspective as to why, as a physician, he supports the amendment:
“First, let me be very clear that, as a physician, I must state from the onset that the medical and psychiatric community’s stance has been and will continue to be that homosexuality is not an illness. I haven’t thought about it very much, but perhaps this is why I chose to largely abandon the practice of medicine and become a senator.”
“My view in regards to gay relationships has always been that whatever laws consenting adults wished to break in their own homes was their business so long as it did not affect my family. The problem is that we live in a different, post-9/11 time, where Americans have had to willingly sacrifice privacy in the war on terror with the ultimate goal of freedom and democracy for the world. The secrecy involved in gay relationships is a threat to our national security, and it cannot be corrected by simply making it all “legal”.”
“This, however, is only the surface issue, and not the main point that I wished to make today. I am more concerned with the very real biological threat to the human species that endorsement of the gay lifestyle and indeed, legal rights to marriage poses.”
“It has always been conventional wisdom that gay marriages were somewhat of an evolutionary dead end, if you will, in that the individuals could not produce offspring. The only alternative for the “gay family” was adoption or some other convoluted and expensive means of reproduction such as artificial insemination, implantation, or surrogate parenting. We have largely been effective in denying these outlets, but the scary thing is that the gay population seems to be growing at an exponential rate.”
“Does everyone remember the lessons from Jurassic Park? In that movie they recreated killer dinosaurs through evil cloning experiments. They had to make sure that the dinosaurs couldn’t reproduce and run amok, so they made them all male. What they didn’t anticipate was God’s creating a spontaneous sex change that allowed the dinosaurs to reproduce, thus teaching them a lesson about genetic interferences like cloning. Nature abhors a vacuum extraction.”
“Does this explain the increase in the numbers of openly gay and lesbian people worldwide? I cannot say for certain, but the evidence is compelling. I believe that it is compelling enough that we must act now with this constitutional amendment as a first step in a global “War on Error”. The lion simply must not be allowed to lay any longer with the lamb.”
“The Republican leadership met in closed session secretly throughout this weekend with representatives from Revs. James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, and Pat Robertson and have drafted the crux of the US constitutional amendment against gay marriage. It needs merely to be signed into law the first thing Monday morning. In the newly declared “War on Error” there can be no compromise. Americans should think carefully. They are either with us… Or they are gay.”
F-14’s fly over an artists rendition of a modified Mt. Rushmore, funding for which was included in Frist’s proposed constitutional ammendment
APE reporters were allowed a 15 minute viewing of the proposed 10 page amendment to the Constitution. A number of special interest concerns seemed to have been inserted, the most prominent of which was a $100 million allocation from the Department of Homeland security designed to modify and increase security around South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore monument. There was also a proposal to introduce the orphan sport of “Surf Cow Tipping”, which is popular along the Texas coastline, as an experimental sport in the next US sponsored summer Olympics.
An undated photo of President Bush participating in the orphan sport of “Surf Cow Tipping” in Galveston, TX
Democratic leadership in the Senate, when contacted, stated that the amendment had very little chance of passing.
