Welcome to Gay Bashing Monday. This week, we get to watch Republicans make inanely stupid, ill-informed, hateful, and hurtful comments about our gay brothers, sisters, cousins, sons, daughters, friends, and co-workers. George W. Bush will kick it all off with a little mean-spirited speech. But don’t worry, he really doesn’t hate gays. He doesn’t even give a shit about gay marriage.

Though Bush himself has publicly embraced the amendment, he never seemed to care enough to press the matter. One of his old friends told NEWSWEEK that same-sex marriage barely registers on the president’s moral radar. “I think it was purely political. I don’t think he gives a s–t about it. He never talks about this stuff,” said the friend, who requested anonymity to discuss his private conversations with Bush.

Feel better now? Now that you know the President is not a bigot, but merely a poseur?

Good. It’s better to have a President that will pretend to hate gay people and that will make idiotic comments about gay marraige to shore up the support of homophobic, magical thinking, fundamentalists, than to have a President that really thinks those things himself. Right?

“Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society,” Bush said in his weekly radio address. “Government, by recognizing and protecting marriage, serves the interests of all.”

Naturally. Except…that evidently has nothing to do with encouraging gay couples to stay in monogamous and committed relationships where they can provide a safe and stable environment for children. You see, children don’t benefit from having two loving parents because they get twice the attention, twice the love, twice the supervision, and twice the wisdom. No. The only benefit they get is when those parents are heterosexual. Why? Because that way, they won’t turn out gay. Get it? Foster children are better off being shipped from house to house, rather than being exposed to same-sex parents. You can be sure of it.

And the most pernicious thing about this same-sex marraige is that it calls into question why a man would marry a woman at all. I mean, why a woman? Why not a man? A man might not make you watch soap operas or complain when your buddies come over the watch the game. Even better, why not just marry your dog. Dogs are famously loyal. If you want unconditional love, without the nagging, you can’t do any better than a dog. Just ask Senator Rick Santorum. He’s considered it, believe me.

Welcome to Gay Bashing Monday. May the force be with you.