Twenty five years ago today I was essentially homeless, jobless, bankrupt, friendless, and near death from end stage alcoholism/drug addiction. My only wish was for the old reaper to get here soon, because after three failed treatments and twelve years of constant relapses, I knew there was no hope left for me.
I literally hated those who had arranged yet one more intervention. My job as mother was finally mostly done, the kids were grown, so get out of my face and let me go.
They didn’t. And so it is I am here to celebrate a quarter century sober with my friends at the pond. I am finally sober for more years that I was drunk, so yes, indeed, there is such a thing as a ‘miracle!” Better yet, my daughter will celebrate HER quarter century mark next month also.
Together, my daughters and I have broken a seven generational cycle of alcoholism and abusive family dynamics. My two grand daughters have never lived one day of their lives in an alcoholic home and have known only love and safety within them.
I do not write this diary to get allocates, (although I am pretty proud of us and will certainly be appreciative of any that may come, because we have truly worked very hard and very long to get here. )
I write it primarily as a tribute and as a thank you.
Let it be a tribute to each and every froggie and fish here who also has decided to stop swimming in booze, and is choosing, over and over again every single day, to swim in clearer ponds like this instead. This takes a deep quiet kind of never ending courage only those who have fought this life and death battle can know. I salute you all. I applaud you all. I love you all.
Let it also be a thank you, to all who were there for me that I couldn’t chase away no matter HOW hard I tried, including that mean old pot bellied counselor guy who told me once..”YOU…will end up peddling your *ss on a street corner for a bottle of booze!”, who made me so damned mad I had to prove him wrong somehow. And all the many others who work in this field and never give up on us. And all the other recovering people who are always there to lend a hand to a brother or sister in need.
I am glad now that this is the course my life took, for it forced to face my own demons, heal myself up, and to find what “real life” feels like.
I guess there is a third reason I write this diary today, and that’s to say this: addiction is a vicious, ugly, hateful thing. It separates us from who we truly are, and from those we love and need and who need us, and from the right to live an authentic, useful life.
It is also so subtle it can get a hold of our minds without our conscious awareness, set up it’s base camp and start twisting, turning and rearranging thought circuits however it needs to feed itself. As it grows, it crowds out all other relationships with the real people in your life: it becomes your lover, your mate, the center of your world that slowly shrinks up till there is no room in it anymore except for this deadly relationship.
It’s an very common enemy well worth remembering to remain aware of always. No one is totally immune, and very few of us have managed to have our lives remain untouched by it in some way or another. Know that once someone you know is in it’s firm grasp, you are not interacting with the authentic person , but primarily with the inner addiction, which in time, colors all their perceptions, judgements and ability to love, be loved, or be available to you at all.
The good news is that today there are endless sources of information and help in addition to AA, which works well for many, but not for everyone. Secular recovery resources are out there and growing. A google search with those terms will lead you to many of them, online and off.
Ad for me, I had NO idea life could be such an incredible adventure as it’s turned out to be. I am so glad and so grateful I am still here to live it, and to have found this pond full of unique, wonderful, welcoming critters to hang out with!
Plus, there’s just no telling what we will eventually accomplish with all our splashing around. If individual human lives can be pulled from the fires, why not hold on to the belief our country can be,too?
ONward!!
