Hastert quarantined at Walter Reed
Washington, DC (APE) – Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was rushed to Walter Reed Hospital late this evening after apparently suffering a setback during treatment for a skin infection. Hospital authorities confirmed that Hastert was in stable condition but that the infection seemed to be spreading.
Treating physicians at a brief news conference stated that tests confirmed that Hastert had become infected with a virulent and resistant strain of Greedococcus Briberi. They stated that around the clock ethical acetate infusions had begun but the infection continued to progress. In ordinary circumstances, Greedococcus is highly susceptible to mere daylight, but for reasons unknown, this strain had become resistant.
Public health authorities acted swiftly, closing down both houses of congress. They were not optimistic as to whether homeland security would be able to assist in halting its spread throughout the entire city of Washington.
The White House issued a statement saying that the infection seemed to spread through contact with money. They advised all persons fearful of infection to immediately bring their money to one of a number of satellite locations to have it laundered properly.