Bush comforts Katrina survivor
Washington, DC Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush today welcomed Louisiana resident and Katrina hurricane victim Rockey Vacarella to the White House on the one-year anniversary of the catastrophic hurricane Katrina.
“I want to congratulate Rockey and all the folks along the Gulf Coast on their one-year anniversary,” said Bush. “This first year has been filled with lots of ups and downs and real challenges, but that’s what makes folks strong… that’s what makes a marriage strong. I look forward to wishing them many more anniversaries to come.”
A year after the hurricane, the Bush administration remains mired in criticism. House and Senate Democratic leaders recently released a combined report entitled “Broken Guitar Strap” which outlines the failed responses of the administration.
Bush brushed off Democratic criticism, saying that the American public should not be held captive by their overly high standards.
“I told Rocky the first obligation of the federal government is to write a check big enough to help the people down there,” Bush said. “And I told him to the extent that we can keep that check from bouncing, that’s just what we’ll do.”
The president designated Tuesday, August 29 as a national Day of remembrance. He has plans to spend two days next week in the region, visiting with those in charge of repairing and rebuilding. The following three days will be spent at a number of Republican fundraisers, as well as a birthday party for Senator John McCain and a meeting with popular country singer Mark Wills.
Ann Coulter Finishes Fourth in “Pole-a-Palooza”
Coulter posing for reporters at the Belagio
Las Vegas, NV (Rotters) – Right-wing pundit and author Ann Coulter made a surprise appearance this weekend at the Light nightclub’s “Pole-a-Palooza” competition inside the Bellagio resort in Las Vegas. The competition highlighted the talents of Pole dancers and strippers across the United States. Coulter gave a spirited performance, but wound up finishing outside of the prize money in the fourth position.
Coulter, seconds before her hair became caught in a ceiling duct
Coulter finished first in the essay portion of the competition, but it was not enough to carry her to overall victory. She seemed ready to sweep the competition until her hair accidentally became caught in a ceiling air-conditioning duct mid-routine. Coulter described herself as disappointed but uninjured.
“I just take delight in dispelling this myth that conservatives are stuffy and no fun and really can’t identify with any of the values that they are revolting against,” Coulter stated. “This was a little something that I used to do during summers and after classes, as I was working my way through college. It was a lot of fun to get out there and mix it up with the pros, and discover that I still had it in me.”
Coulter stated that the competition was a nice temporary distraction, but that she would be back on the road immediately, promoting her new book, Goddess: The Smirch of Libelism.
True Identity of Ramsey Murder Suspect Karr Questioned
Karr ID badge reportedly found by flight attendant
Los Angeles, CA (APE) – Growing skepticism continues to mount over John Mark Karr the confessed murderer of six-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. In the latest incident in the evolving story, an anonymous flight attendant has stepped forward and produced a reputed ID card that she claims belonged to a Karr and was apparently lost during his recent first-class flight from Thailand.
Karr has become swept up in a passionately distracting media frenzy since his confession and extradition from Thailand last week.
The anonymous flight attendant stated that she found Karr’s behavior aboard the plane as well as his interactions with the supervising law enforcement personnel “a little strange.”
“There was lots of champagne,” she stated. “There was a lot of whispering, and winks and nods. You could tell something just wasn’t quite kosher.”
The laminated ID badge produced by the flight attendant had a photograph of Karr, and identified him as a CIA special agent in the highly secretive Psy-Ops division.
“It had this thing on the back that says, ‘if found please drop in mail’ , but I felt like it was important to let somebody else know about it,” the anonymous attendant stated.
The CIA was contacted, and an anonymous spokesperson dismissed the story entirely. They claimed that the ID badge was a very cheap imitation, which was easily accomplished by anyone with some computer graphics skills. They offered no speculations as to what would motivate Karr, or anyone else, to attempt the deception.
An FBI spokesperson stated that an immediate investigation of the flight attendant had been launched with consideration of possible charges of theft of government property.
The media frenzy over Karr continued in the mainstream media, as well as throughout the Internet. The Internet was abuzz yesterday over the uncanny resemblance of Karr to Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who assassinated President Kennedy and coincidently had rumored CIA connections.
In an unrelated story, the president appeared to receive a minor bounce in his ratings over the handling of the war on terror in a recent USA Today poll.
Inactive Marines Called up: Murtha Apparently in the First Wave
Murtha waves his induction papers to reporters
Washington, DC (Rotters) – Pennsylvania Congressman Jack Murtha, today announced that he had received an induction notice from the US Marine Corps. The congressman’s notification came a day after the Marine Corps had announced that up to 2,500 of the pool of nearly 60,000 former Marines would be recalled to serve extended tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Heck yes I’m gonna go!” stated Murtha, “I’ve been dying for a chance to really get over there and get this Bush administration cluster-(expletive deleted) straightened out. Hoo-rah!”
President George W. Bush had personally authorized the recent call up and activation of individuals from the pool of those in the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR).
An anonymous spokesperson from the Department of Defense stated that there had obviously been a glitch with the computer formula designed to assess years of service versus time spent discharged. He postulated that the incident may very well have been related to the recent theft and subsequent return of a laptop computer from the VA, which contained highly sensitive veterans information.
White House press secretary Tony Snow, encouraged the press to accept that the incident was indeed a snafu, and that DOD officials were working to correct the errors with due diligence. “Jack has served honorably, and above and beyond his call of duty to his country,” stated Snow. “Do you honestly think we would want him to go over there and have some harm come to him…? Not that the war isn’t going well or anything.”
Snow stated that the White House will continue to respond to complaints over the administration’s handling of “The Global War on Terror” and allegations that the country is not at war at all, but is desperately seeking to maintain the illegal occupation of the countrys Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Many have suggested that from the perspective of the home front, this doesn’t really look like a war at all,” stated Snow. “This war was designed and planned this way intentionally so as to have the least amount of impact and discomfort as possible on the average citizen. We now realize that this may have been a slight mistake. In an effort to correct this problem of misperception, the administration is re-examining the possibility of rescinding its policy on the viewing of flag draped coffins. We will be promoting a commemorative gas ration coupon, with the proceeds to go towards care for wounded veterans. The US Department of Agriculture will begin selling commemorative “Victory Garden” seed packs to help Americans show their support for the troops.”
“If these pilot programs prove successful, we will be considering instituting an innovative “Voluntary Selective Service ” lottery for the American public,” Snow continued. “Citizens at random would be issued “draft notices” through the mail, which would in actuality be offers to participate in a national lottery. Those wishing to participate would simply send in the entry fee and become eligible in a national grand prize drawing. The bulk of the entry fees would go towards providing needed armor upgrades to those currently serving in Iraq. Given time, we believe that we will be able to present this as a more palatable War to the American public.”
As an added bonus, Snow stated any Marine called up during his recent activation would be entitled to free entry into any of the above programs.