Atrios offers some sound advise to drivers who might otherwise be inclined to try to shorten their commute by running over pedestrians using a crosswalk. Quite simply, he writes “Stop Running Over Pedestrians.” He goes on to blame suburbanites. I agree wholeheartedly. While some city residents may indeed drive straight at a crowd of pedestrians in a crosswalk as soon as the light turns green, that slightly homicidal behavior is the fault of suburbanites. Why is that? Because everything is their fault. Trust me on this. I think that most readers of this site are suburbanites, and I’m sure that the most perceptive of you have at times wondered if it’s all your fault. Wonder no more. It is.
When I was a younger, I used hit the hood of offending vehicles with my fist just as hard as I could trying to leave a dent. I never got so angry as to jump up on the hood, though I’ve seen it happen. My mom likes to smack them with her pocketbook, and I’ve found that a sturdy guitar case bashed onto the hood a few times conveys the “please don’t try to run me down then honk at me while I’m using a crosswalk” message quite effectively. The problem with these approaches is that sometimes the driver gets out of the car in order to express his or her displeasure. This often ends badly.
The most fun I ever had confronting a crosswalk impaired suburbanite was in college, when a guy in an Ford F250 pickup truck became displeased that my roommate and I were crossing the street with the light at a crosswalk and, somewhat inexplicably, yelled at us that his truck weighed two and a half tons. I believe he meant to imply that our flimsy primate bodies wouldn’t do so well in a confrontation with a two and a half ton vehicle. He was probably right. It turned out that the guy was working on a construction project right in front of our building, so we kept poking our heads out to ask him how much other stuff weighs. Something like “Hey Mister! How much does a human head weight? Hey Mister! How much does a hippopotamus weigh? Hey Mister! How much does Martha Stewart weigh?” You get the idea.
So the next time you fly into a homicidal rage at the site of pedestrians crossing the street legally, take a deep breath and consider not mowing them down with your automobile, honking your horn at them, or yelling rude things about their parentage. Oh, and if you are a suburbanite, everything is your fault. Next week we’ll tackle animal husbandry and firearm safety.
