From P.J. O’Rourke’s Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People.
Proper Social Behavior Under the Influence of Drugs
Social Occassions Appropriate to Use
Alcohol: Any
Marijuana: Rock concerts, horror movie screenings, time spent alone in bedroom as a teenager
Cocaine: Visits to dance clubs and other moments of private desperation
LSD: College reunions, weekends in Big Sur
Crack: Robbery, burglary, assault, murder
Heroin: Late night association with rich Brits and European jet trash
What to Do
Alcohol: Shed clothes in restaurant, don dress belt with napkin draped over crotch, stand on chair and recite “Hiawatha”
Marijuana: Listen to Guns and Roses on stereo, look at Bloomingdale’s underwear catalogue, eat Mallomars
Cocaine: Do more coke
LSD: Stare at rocks, trees, bugs, self
Crack: Robbery, burglary, assault, murder
Heroin: Act very hip, also nod and drool
What to Say
Alcohol: “Where’s the parrrrrrrty!?”
Marijuana: “Wow.” “Oh, wow.” “Really.” “Wow.”
Cocaine: Say you never do coke anymore
LSD: “This is incredible! I forgot how incredible this is! Incredible! Really incredible!”
Crack: “Yo.”
Heroin: You’re too hip to say it, also too busy nodding and drooling.
What to Break
Alcohol: Dishes, marriage vows
Marijuana: Glass bongs, lava lamps
Cocaine: Promises
LSD: The space/time continuum
Crack: Laws
Heroin: Your mother’s heart
How to Excuse Yourself the Next Day
Alcohol: “I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch.”
Marijuana: “Wow, that sinsemilla is really heavy shit.”
Cocaine: If you have any left, you’ll still be there acting up
LSD: Freak out and cry
Crack: Make bail
Heroin: If there is a next day, say, “I only snort it on weekends.”