In a completely predictable outcome, the President has lost his five-year chess match against murderous thugs. In a profound fit of hubris, he overestimated his own prowess and challenged insanity itself in a game whose rules and strategies he did not only fail to understand, but never actually read, or even had summarized.
During the closing rounds, the president tried his time-tested gambit of declaring that chess be played according to the rules of checkers, and finally attempted to upend the board, only to find it had been secured to the table, which in turn had been secured to the floor. With checkmate one move away, the president was carried from the room by agents of his father as he contemplated pushing a red button in an attaché case carried by one of his aides.
Having gambled — tens of thousands of lives, as well as the safety, liberty and dignity of humanity — and lost, he has, however, earned the runner up’s title of “stupid fucking arrogant homicidal bastard.”
“We’re still very proud of our George,” said his mother, during a short break from her duties belittling victims of poverty.