Just in time for the Holidays… a Christmas Classic digitally remassacred…
Memorable quotes and scenes from It’s a Horrible Lie:
George Bushy : Just a minute – just a minute. Now, hold on, Mr. Potemkin. You’re right when you say I’m no businessman. I know that. Why they ever started that cheap, penny-ante Arbusto Oil company, I’ll never know. But neither you nor anyone else can say anything against my character, because my whole life was – why, in the twenty-eight years since Poppy Bushy bailed me out of that thing, I never once blamed myself. Isn’t that right, Poppy Bushy? He doesn’t have enough money or influence to bail us all out of Iraq, let alone me. But he did help a few people get out who were your chums, Mr. Potemkin, and what’s up with that? Why – hell, we’re all businessmen here. And it makes us better citizens. Doesn’t it help us get the better of our customers? You – you said – what’d I say a minute ago…? Never mind. We had to wait and save our powder before you even thought up a decent war. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and get smart? Until we’re so old and broken down that they… Do you know how long it takes a hard working president to squander seven hundred billion dollars? Just remember this, Mr. Potemkin… that rabble we’re afraid of… we do most of the talking and praying and lying while this country is dying. Well, is it too much to make them duck and pray and kill and die for a couple of indecent years in Iraq? Anyway, my father doesn’t think so. People are expendable to him. But to you, an assured, first rate oil man, they’re cattle. Well, in my book you’ll die a much richer man than I’ll ever be.
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George Bushy : [yelling at Poppy Bushy] Where’s my money, you silly stupid old fool? Where’s my money? Do you realize what this means? It means impeachment and scandal and rendition. That’s what it means. Somebody’s going to jail insteada me.
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Tom Delay: [ringing the cash register repeatedly] Get me. I’m givin’ out bling.
Mr Potemkin : [to George Bushy] Look at you. You’re so cocky. You claimed you could go out and conquer the world. You once called me “an assured, first rate oil man!” Who are you but a self-absorbed, castrated young man, bawling in here on your hands and knees begging for my help. No national security, no unitary executive, no dirty blonds. Nothin’ but a miserable little $500 billion no-bid investment in Halliburton. Still, you’re worth more to me alive than dead.
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Tom Delay : Hey look, buster – we dole hard cash in here for men who want to get powerful fast, and we don’t need any characters around to give the joint a “pederast atmosphere”. Is that clear, or do I have to slip you a couple hundred thou to avoid a conviction?
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Poppy Bushy : After all, Potemkin, some people like George HAD to stay at home. Could you imagine him as some fighter jock in the skies over Hanoi or Cambodia?
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Tom Delay : [slamming $100 thousand on the podium] That’s it. Out you two cockroaches go – under the table, or into the closet.
George Bushy : Now, come on, get your game on, and we’ll stall over by my limo and get… Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll stall. You lie.
Karl : I can’t lie. I haven’t got my bling.
George Bushy : You haven’t got your bling. Yeah, that’s right.
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George Bushy : Well, maybe I left the limo up at the Hill. Well, come on, Grover.
Karl : Karl!
George Bushy : Karl. Karl.
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[George has discovered his brother Jeb’s tombstone]
Karl : [explaining] Your brother, John Ellis Bushey, broke through the glass ceiling and was crowned president at the age of forty-nine.
George Bushy : That’s a lie! Jeb never went that far – he was governor… he got the Presidential Medal of Freedom, he saved the lives of many men and women during that hurricane.
Karl : Many men and women in that hurricane died! We weren’t there to save them, because Jeb wasn’t there instead of you.
George Bushy : What is it you want, Condi? What do you want? You want us to go back to the moon? Just say the word and we’ll throw a new Apollo at it and set `er down. Hey. That’s a pretty good decision. We’ll go back to the moon, Condi.
Condi : I like it. Then what?
George Bushy : Well, then we’ll swallow it, and it’ll all dissolve, see… and the laser beams would shoot out off of our bases and our foes will descend into fear… am I talking too much?
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Karl : Strange, isn’t it? This man’s life ruins so many other lives. When he isn’t around life’s an awful bore, isn’t it?
[George returns to the gaping hole in the ground in New York where his dream began, hoping to bring back his old life]
George Bushy : [praying] Karl! Karl! Help me, Karl! Make it better! Make it better, I don’t care what happens to anybody! Get me back my life… and off the skids! Help me Karl, please! Please! I wanna lie again. I wanna lie again. Please, God, let me lie again.
[the hole begins to smoke again]
Rudy Giuliani : [shouts] Hey, George! George! You all right? Hey, what’s the matter?
George Bushy : Now get outta here, Rudy, or I’ll hit you up again! Get outta here!
Rudy Giuliani : What the sam hell you campaignin’ for, George?
George Bushy : You…
[suddenly stunned]
George Bushy : George… Rudy? Do you know me?
Rudy Giuliani: Know you? Huh. You kiddin’? I’ve been lurking all over the country trying to distance myself from you. I saw your carreer plowed under that hole down there and I thought maybe you – hey, your nose’s bleeding. Are you sure you’re not high?
George Bushy : What the…
[licks the tip of his nose and wipes his nose with his wrist]
George Bushy : Ha, ha, ha, ha! My nose’s bleeding, Rudy! My nose’s bleeding! Rummy’s medals… Rummy…
George Bushy : [checking his pocket] There they are! Rudy, don’t tell anybody about that! Merry Christmas!
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Man in Guard Tower : Why don’t you finesse them instead of torturing them to death?
George Bushy : You want me to finesse them, huh?
Man in Guard Tower : Ah, you’re wasted on the wrong drugs.
George Bushy: I’d call this a crappy family! Why don’t we have more dogs?
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Mr. Potemkin : Why, the whole town knows you’ve been given money to keep the environment sick.
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George Bushy : You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it does, Mr. Potemkin. In the whole vast conflagration of things, I’d say I’m nothing but a smarmy little decider. And…
[turning on his aide]
George Bushy : And I’ll be watchin’ you, too!
Karl : You’ve stolen a great gift, George: No chance the world would ever look the same after you.
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Karl : You see George, you’ve really lived a horrible lie. Don’t you see what a mistake it would be to just admit to it and throw it away?
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Jeb Bushy : A toast to Big Brother… er… my big brother, George: The slickest man in town.
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Stephen Hadley : Just a minute! Quiet everybody! Quiet, quiet. Now get this, it’s from London.
Mommy Bushy : Oh!
Stephen Hadley : [Reading the encrypted email on his monitor.] Mr. Grover cabled you need cash, stop. Downing Street instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand troops, stop. Yee Haw and Merry Christmas! Tony Blair.
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Condi : Bread … that this White House may survive ever longer.
[Condi receives a sheaf of hundreds from Mrs. Falwell]
Condi : Saltpeter … that the wife can always say later.
[Condi receives a box of saltpeter from Mrs. Falwell]
George Bushy : And Jack … this good ol’ boy and posterity are ruined forever. Enter the Falwell Castle.[George hands Mr. Falwell a bottle of Jack Daniels]
Jenna Bushy : Look, Daddy. Preacher says every time an oil well springs, Enron gets more bling.
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George Bushy : Hey! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potemkin!
Mr. Potemkin : Happy New Year to you… see you in hell.
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Laura Bushy : I been savin’ this money for a boyfriend, if ever I got a divorce.
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Little Laura : [commenting on George] I like him.
Little Condi : You like every boy.
Little Laura : Yeah, so does he.
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George Bushy : Well, you look about the kind of a-hole I’d get. Sort of a fartin’ a-hole, aren’t you? What happened to your bling?
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George Bushy : Isn’t it wonderful? Somebody else is going to jail!
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Little Condi : Are these the ears you can’t see around?
[looking over his huge ear]
Little Condi : George Bushy, I’ll serve you even though you lie.
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Karl : Remember, George: no real man has friends who are failures.
George Bushy : [on Condi being caught naked with the Bushys] This is a very kinky situation!
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George Bushy: Merry Christmas, White House! Merry Christmas, America! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old nation building war!
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Karl : Damn, there must be some easier way for me to get my bling.
George Bushy: I won’t decide what I’m gonna do tomorrow, or the next day, or the next year, and maybe not even the year after that.
Mark Foley : Boys and music. All we need now is gin!
George Bushy: I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little desert country off my feet and I’m gonna go home. Dallas, Austin, San Antonio, Crawford. Then, I’m runnin’ down there to Paraguay, somewhere where folks don’t know. And then I’m gonna clear things. I’m gonna clear brush for poppy fields, I’m gonna drink Champaign at a hundred dollars a pop, I’m gonna burn bridges a mile long…
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George Bushy : Now you listen to me. I want to use only plastic and I want in on the ground floor. And I don’t want to get convicted ever of anything! You understand that? I’ve decided what I want to do.
Democratic House Member : I mean Potemkinville. Don’t you think I know where we all live? What’s the matter with you?
[He proceeds toward the House. George is completely bewildered]
George Bushy : Oh, I don’t know. Either I’m off my meds, or he is…
[to Karl]
George Bushy : … or you are!
Karl : I’m caffeine free!
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Condi : He’s making violence lovely to me, mother!
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Mommy Bushy : First Jeb, now George. Laura, we’re just two old cuckholds now.
Laura Bushy : You speak for yourself, Mommy B.
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Tony Snow : Viagra pills? We need posters of beautiful places, patriotic places. Places George wants to go!
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George Bushy : I wish we had a million oil wells… Hot damn!
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Karl : Karl Widebody, AS2.
George Bushy : Widebody… Hey, what’s an AS2?
Karl : A-Hole, Second Class.
Condi : I really like a bootlicker’s life!
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George Bushy: [gazing eyes with Condi] Well, well, well.
Helen Thomas : Now, to get back to my story, see?
[in a trance, Condi hands Helen her drink, and George and Condi start dancing]
Helen Thomas : Hey, this was supposed to be MY dance!
George Bushy: Oh, why don’t you stop annoying important people?
Helen Thomas : You’ll be sorr- Hey!
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Laura Bushy : You look at me as if you didn’t know me.
George Bushy : Well, I don’t.
Laura Bushy: You pass me in the White Houose almost every day.
George Bushy: Me? Naw, that was a little girl named Condi Rice, that wasn’t you.
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Helen Thomas : [Helen walks up to a disheartened David Gregory, stumped by Tony Snow] What’s the matter… zealous? Did you know there’s a swimming pool under this floor? And did you know that button behind you causes this floor to open up? And did you further know that George Bushy and Tony Snow are dancing around right over that crack?
[David Gregory turns to Helen]
Helen Thomas : I’ve got the key!
George Bushy : [the cabinet celebrates bankrupting the government with only three dollars remaining ] A trey for this great big important simian here!
Poppy Bushy: We’ll save ’em in greed.
George Bushy : A ghost! A ghost! The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and they want me to keep this government in business… you better pour me a shot real quick before Christmas Yet to Come shows up.
Mommy Bushy: I wish you wouldn’t do drugs.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!