An unidentified Mexican Army soldier removes the remains of a fellow soldier’s uniform from a Cannabis Sativa-Audrey hybrid
Lazaro Cárdenas, Mexico (APE) – Three Mexican soldiers were killed early yesterday while attempting to eradicate an apparently new resistant hybrid cultivar of marijuana called “Cannabis Sativa-Audrey”. The three soldiers names were not released pending notification of their relatives. They were all among a group of soldiers who were transported aboard helicopter gunships into the remote western state of Michoacan as part of new Mexican president Felipe Calderon’s expanded war on drugs.
The new plants now referred to as “Audreys” mature and propagate at an alarming rate, and seem to have stemmed from one common root system which has thus far been resistant to all pesticides, fire, and nuclear irradiation. United States DEA sources fear the possibility of this new highly potent form of marijuana literally creeping across the border by sometime next summer if it is not halted.
Mexican trooper sneaking up on an “Audrey” in the state of Michoacan
Mexican Army General Manuel Garcia spoke with reporters allowed to accompany the raid. “These plants really took us by surprise, and my profound sorrow goes out to the families of the three brave men who died today fighting them,” said Garcia. “We had been responding to stories in this area of missing American DEA agents and farm animals and had assumed it had been as a result of drug traffickers, and now we have our answer.”
Horticulturists were at a loss to explain how the incredibly adaptive hybridization of Cannabis Sativa-Audrey had been engineered. Some speculated a three way cross with kudzu, marijuana, and venus flytrap, but most agreed that the aggressivity and rapid self-pollenization of the plant was likely aided by swarms of killer bees which continue their inexorable march to the US border. Initial analysis of the THC content of the new plant revealed a potency far surpassing anything achieved to date in the US.
Troopers survey a previously eradicated field of Cannabis Sativa-Audrey
“For each Audrey that you are able to seemingly kill off hundreds of others crop up from the tendrils and rootlets left in the ground,” said Garcia. “This is a disturbing development. In the past, drug cartels spent lots of money in order to secure and hide away their fields, but the Audrey removes that need. Traffickers have developed an almost symbiotic relationship with the plant. It seems to enjoy and prosper from frequent pruning of its highly potent leaves and an occasional blood meal.”
“We are determined to shut down delinquency and stop crime in Mexico because it is endangering the lives of all Mexicans, of our families,” said President Filipe Calderon. “With this new plant, unfortunately, we are neither winning nor losing the war on drugs.”