Reuters/Brussels, Belgium – The United States will reject any request by Italy to extradite CIA agents for the first criminal trial over controversial U.S. “renditions” of terror suspects, a U.S. government lawyer said on Wednesday. A Milan judge earlier this month ordered 26 Americans, most of them thought to be CIA agents, to stand trial with Italian spies for kidnapping a Muslim cleric and flying him to Egypt, where he says he was tortured.
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Faux News/Washington D.C. – U.S. officials up in arms over kidnapping of Kissinger
The recent kidnapping of Henry Kissinger off a street near the White House has both flustered and angered senior United States officials. The Cogitator has learned that the current administration believes it knows which entity was behind the action and newly established backchannels are being utilized to determine if a peaceful resolution is possible.
One high-ranking U.S. official requesting anonymity told The Cogitator that “it is both unthinkable and unacceptable that agents of a foreign nation would enter U.S. soil and remove a resident of this country.”
The President of the United States brusquely addressed the issue when returning from Camp David Sunday, saying “giddyup and bring ’em on, I dare ’em to come to the White House and try it.”
With all fingers pointing to Chile as the culprit, Chilean officials have remained mum and offered press releases stating that Chile abides by all accepted rules of conduct.
Flight records recently obtained by The Cogitator indicate that Kissinger may have been transported to a third country we are unable to verify at this point, but it’s a destination known for treating prisoners none too kindly.
At a White House dinner last night, the Vice President did speak out when asked about the incident, bellowing “this will not stand” while waving around his hunting rifle. Then the President interjected, directly addressing his underling, “don’t use my lines” before turning to the press in attendance and offering “we will find those responsible for doing this, smoke ’em out of their caves and and bring ’em in dead or alive.”
The Secretary of State spoke to the United Nations today, stating firmly but without naming names that “the country responsible for this, and we know who it is, has previously possessed weapons of mass destruction and we cannot allow any smoking gun to become a mushroom cloud.” The Cogitator has been unable to verify with the Secretary of State’s office if by the ‘weapon of mass destruction’ reference, she meant General Augusto Pinochet, the person responsible for the deaths of thousands of Chileans.
The question of why Chile, if Chile, remains to be answered. Some have ventured that the terrorist involvement of former Secretary of State Kissinger and the United States in the assassination of Chilean president Salvador Allende may have something to do with the kidnapping.
Patriotic demonstrations on the streets of Santiago have already taken place. Signs with “It Takes One to Know One,” “We Learned All There Is About Evil From You” and “Ain’t Payback A Bitch” are being jauntily paraded about.