One word–my made-up one at that–best describes the two ‘debates’ so far featuring the Republican presidential hopefuls: pander-monium.
And on good authority expect that the ghost of Ronald Reagan will loom dramatically over the next gathering of these wannabees and skewer them just as he did Jimmy Carter during an earlier presidential debate with — “There you go again” — right at the exact moment when the next pathetic verbalization of ‘Look at me, I’m the new Reagan’ is offered by one of these say-anythings.
Also, here’s a quick offer of advice to Mitt: What would save your campaign millions is just handing out the the printted tracts of your political stances from back when you ran for governor of Massachusetts but adding ‘I absolutely, truly, so-help-me-God believe in the exact opposite now.’
By the way, is it true that when you look up the word unctuous in the dictionary that a photo of Romney appears?
He comes off like an actor who should be in the next Viagra television commercial, what with his gaggingly forced congeniality. If not that, Romney has a future in Hollywood as someone who could play the stereotypical next door neighbor who, always with a smile, willingly let’s you borrow his mower, his weedwhacker, his spray paint equipment–heck, probably even his wife.
Fully expect John McCain to lose it one of these days, unable to contain his burgeoning during-the-debate fury and shout out, “The rest of you here are insufferable assholes and I say get fucked to you all.”
Britt Hume’s followup question should be a dandy.
Next time out, Rudy Guilani will probably issue an offer to armwrestle each of the other candidates–that is, as long as he is photographed only from right angles using just his right hand. The Guilani campaign will adamantly deny this as a blatant stunt to appeal to the GOP base.
It’s readily apparent these poseurs can’t grovel low enough in reaching out to the very basest of inhumanity. Each time one of the group proffers something that seems the lowest of the low, he is quickly undercut with an ‘I match that and go 30 steps lower.’ Forget about backpedaling to the morality basement in how they would handle this or that situation–no, this batch tunnels through and goes subterranean.
So, here’s what just may happen next time out:
* Unless Duncan Hunter beats it to him first, Tom Tancredo will force an illegal immigrant on stage and, with cat-o-nine tails snapping, will drive him in a southernly direction back towards Mexico.
* Sam Brownback will produce a trained fetus on a leash, having it do various tricks such as sitting up and rolling over (but never playing dead) while shouting out ‘see, it’s a human being, I told you all along.’
* Mike Huckabee will attempt to re-launch his campaign on the theme of “American government must slim down,” continually trying to rouse the audience with “I’m the man who can trim the fat.”
* Tommy Thompson, to prove his mettle as a presidential contender, will forsake any further during-the-debate trips to the bathroom and brazenly urinate on the closest opponent to his left, thereby symbolically demonstrating to the American public that he can unite this nation with his willingness to reach out, even to leftists.
* Mitt Romney, attempting to grandly top them all, will beat his chest and shout ‘hear me roar America’ while importing a handcuffed suspected terrorist from Guantanamo on to the stage. He will then perform various acts of torture on the prisoner until midway when he is stricken with the image that he is doing exactly what was done to a number of his Mormon forefathers. He’ll then straighten up, adjust hs tie, flash his most Mr. Congeniality smile and say ‘never mind.’
Let’s call this ‘Must-See To Be Believed’ TV
