Joe Lie-berman (I – Baghdad) has had it with his former family, the Democrats, those he now calls in the words of the late but not great Spiro Agnew “the nattering nabobs of negativism.” Per Lieberman, “I have now been embraced by the narcissistic nadirs of neo-conism and let me say that they know a con when they see one.”
Comparing notes afterwards, reporters agreed that with the marginalization of Ahmed Chalabi, the neos have been minus their capo di tutti capi conner and that Lie-berman should fill the role quite nicely.
“I’m headed to Iraq, the Green Zone in particular, to take up residence there where I will proudly represent truthiness in all its glory,” Lie-berman added.
When a reporter said he may have to play dodgeball with incoming mortar shells and rockets while housed there Lie-berman replied, “See, this war remains a winning proposition because if the enemy is focused on attacking the Green Zone then they can’t be killing innocents elsewhere. That’s measureable progress because we have already diverted the focus of the bad guys. I say, glory be, the turnaround is at hand.”
Lie-berman added, “Well heck, me and John McCain just got back from shopping at Zabar’s, replicating our previous Iraqi trip to the bazaar in ‘Dad and our goal is to get Zabar franchises spread all over the Middle East, Iraq in particular. In fact, that’s now one of the benchmarks we are insisting upon — one in every major city. You haven’t lived unless you’ve noshed at the Z place. Mmmmmm. First Zabar’s, then democracy — that our new motto.”
Asked how he plans on ridding Iraq of the foreign fighters who everyone knows are causing all the problems, Lie-berman tapped his head with his right forefinger and offered, “We only have to make one very simple change. Now don’t tell anyone but we’re going to change one letter in the name Iraq and then it’s a no-brainer.”
After reporters insisted on more details, Lie-berman credited President Bush who he said first thought of the new idea while out jogging recently. “Our Commander-In-Chief is going to issue a signing statement ordering Iraq’s name be officially changed to Iran. Then, we re-invade and for sure we’re bound to find weapons of mass destruction ’cause everyone knows Iran has ’em.”
He continued, “We find them weapons and bomb the holy hell out of the newly-named Iran — that’s a two-fer for ya and, you know, Americans love getting a deal. President Bush then ends his presidency in a blaze of hellfire, just like he always wanted. Is ours a great country or what?”
