After watching the Republican debate last night (okay, only parts of it, really, really tiny parts), I soon realized that I was at least as capable as any of the current GOP candidates. In fact, all things considered, I’m probably smarter than all of them — combined (and that statement alone more than adequately establishes the arrogance required to run for Leader of the Used to be Free World). So why shouldn’t I run for President?
But not as a Democrat obviously. The Democratic candidates actually have some brains and the occasional good idea or two (and a lot more money in the case of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama). No, I intend to be the nominee of the Grand Old Party, itself, where the pickings are easier (I like to show off my folksy ways by using colloquial expressions like this one, a tactic I’m stealing from Mike Huckleberry). And I’m announcing it here today on this blog! (I think that shows how hip and in touch with young people I am, don’t you?)
So yes, I’ll be running as a Republican. And I know I’ve got a platform that will deliver victories in the remaining primaries and ensure my nomination at the Republican National Convention. Just take a look at my agenda for change, or as I like to call it
Revitalize America 2008 – Steven D’s Agenda for Change
(cont.)
Update [2008-1-25 12:34:10 by Steven D]: I’ve found some support for my campaign pledge to nuke Iraq: LINK, LINK, LINK, LINK, and LINK. And wouldn’t this make a great campaign T-Shirt?
Taxes. The establishment wimps running for the Republican nomination all claim they will cut taxes, or that they will make make the Bush tax cuts permanent, but I’ll go them one better. I plan to eliminate all taxes for
1) Corporations,
2) Capital Gains and Dividends,
3) Inheritance (i.e., the “death tax”) and, most importantly,
4) Everyone whose income exceeds $300,000 per year (in 2008 adjusted dollars, of course).
In other words, my base. And just think of the advantages of this policy. No need to relocate your corporation offshore to avoid paying taxes, because there won’t be any! Instead, we’ll turn the entire United States into a tax haven for the rich and powerful, something that’s done wonders for the economies of places like The Cayman Islands. I predict that this policy alone will create thousands of new jobs in the banking, hotel, five star restaurant and resort industries, some of which will even go to people who aren’t “illegal” aliens.” I also fully expect the elimination of taxes to generate even more government revenue so the federal deficit will be a thing of the past (at least that’s what my conservative economic advisers tell me and when have they ever been wrong).
Obviously, this will require that we pay for the elimination of these taxes by eliminating wasteful government programs, and promoting personal responsibility, which leads me to the second plank of my program to Revitalize America …
Eliminating Wasteful Government Programs, and Promoting Personal Responsibility. Obviously there’s a lot of waste in government, and a lot of programs and agencies that deserve the heave ho, starting with the following:
Social Security. Yeah, I know it’s the third rail of American politics, but I’m not suggesting we eliminate it right away. Only for poor people (who obviously didn’t work hard enough before retirement), and people under 35, who will instead deposit an amount equal to their former FICA taxes into a “Personal Responsibility Account” to be managed by whichever Wall Street Firm contributes the most to my campaign. Medicare can be treated in a similar fashion, and Medicaid we can simply eliminate altogether. The poor may always be with us, but if we don’t have to subsidize their medical care it will cut down significantly on the amount of time they have to be with us, if you get my drift.
Kill off the EPA, FDA, FCC, FTC, SEC, EEOC, OSHA, NLRB, FEMA and all those other alphabet federal agencies. Let’s face it, all the federal government does through these agencies is create a drag on Big Business with all it’s regulations, inspections, hearings, commissions, testing, etc. We need to unleash the power of free enterprise, like they do in China. Sure the air will be a little dirtier, the water less drinkable, little kids may have to work 12 hour days, and e coli in our food will become a lot more prevalent, but investors will being tossing cash hand over fist at American businesses. At last we will be able to compete effectively in the global marketplace with India, China and South Vietnam.
The Leave No Public School Behind Act. This is a no brainer. No more federal money for public education. None, nada, zip. You want your kids to be educated, send them to a good religious school, or home school them. I know some folks at the Discover Institute and among various Christian churches and organizations who already have god fearing lesson plans prepared for every subject, from Science (just say no to Darwin!) to American History (did you know America really was established as an exclusively Christian nation by our founding fathers?).
The Veteran’s Administration. I know the Bush administration has done some good work already in this area, but we can do more, frankly. I propose we eliminate all benefits for everyone except commissioned officers (as determined at the time of retirement). If you can carry a gun you get health care. If not . . .
Privatize All Federal Law Enforcement, including the FBI, DEA, ICE, Border Patrol, US Marshalls, Secret Service, etc. The power of private enterprise has already been shown to do wonders in Iraq where employment of companies like Blackwater and other security firms has greatly aided our efforts in the War on Terror. It’s time we applied those same principles to the homeland. I have no doubt they’ll do a bang up job!
And now for the most important change I feel needs to be implemented, one that is critical to the future of our nation’s survival:
A New Direction for the War in Terror. George Bush, for all his many good qualities, has failed us as Commander in Chief in fighting the Islamofascists who represent the greatest threat to our existence, ever, in the history of the world. Iraq is still a big mess, Al Qaeda is still threatening our country, and we are still being forced to watch grainy videotapes of Osama Bin Ladin every six months or so on CNN.
I say, enough is enough. Bush has talked a good game, but when push came to shove he’s let us down time after time. Obviously, we need a new direction in fighting this verb “terror.” Here’s my plan, which, with the powers of the unitary executive, I will implement immediately after taking my oath of office:
Pre-emptive Nuclear Strikes Against Iraq. That’s right, not Iran, Iraq. Iran can wait. We need a way out of the conflict in Iraq first, and what better solution to the problem than to just blow it all up — again. Now I know some of you may have qualms about using nukes against a country that has all that oil, and in which we have invested so much money in building embassies and permanent military bases, but in all honesty we will never end the Iraq war, and defeat Al Qaeda on the central front in the War on Terror unless we kill most if not all of the Iraqi people. They are clearly the biggest roadblock to bringing peace, freedom and democracy to their country and eliminating terrorism over there. Hey, it worked for Ghengis Khan didn’t it?
And for those of you worried about all the damage we’ll do to the infrastructure in Iraq, I have two words for you: Neutron Bombs. Very cost effective. And very useful in getting other countries in the region to join us in our crusade against terrorism. I imagine after we nuke the Iraqi people, the Saudis might not be so haughty when we come calling asking for increased production from their oil fields. Hell, Iran might suddenly agree to end their nuclear program, and more importantly, sign an oil production agreement with American oil companies (after tearing up their deal with China) after they watch Iraq go up in nuclear flames. Just sayin, sometimes you have to use that big stick to get people’s attention.
More Money for Defense, a Lot More. I’d suggest a least a trillion dollars a year more for Missile Defense, Robots, the Militarization of Space (a base on the Moon for starters) and whatever other weapons’ systems our military industrial complex can think up. Sure we’ll be spending our kids’ and grandkids’ inheritance, but in the long run we’ll all be dead, right? Besides, it’s a great way to support American business and create more good paying jobs right here in America (even if we have to import the workers from India). And Congress will love it. There’s no pork like military pork, I always say.
Well, that’s my platform, and those are my campaign promises. I know this is a liberal/progressive blog, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d spread the word of my candidacy around the blogosphere, far and wide. Great things have small beginnings, and I think I have the potential for something truly marvelous here.
I know my program will have tremendous appeal in Greater Wingnuttia, and I bet I could get the endorsement of prominent conservative talk show hosts like Michael “Kill the Brutes” Savage, Rush “Leave a Few Liberals Alive” Limbaugh, and Bill “Go ahead and Nuke San Francisco” O’Reilly. All it takes to start an avalanche is a single grain of sand. So help me become the grit in the Gucci loafers of the GOP. Besides, do you really want the Democratic nominee to run against McCain or Romney or Huckabee?
I rest my case.