Admittedly, there is a lot of competition for this honor each and every day, but I truly believe that no one can approach the heights of wankerosity that Geoff Colvin, senior editor at large for Fortune Magazine has reached with the article about the economy he authored which Fortune and CNNMoney online published today. Its title tells you everything you need to know:
<font size=20Recession … or not?
The economy isn’t doing as badly as you think. It just feels that way.
Yes, it’s all in your head, or your limbic system to be precise. It can’t be the fact that mortgage foreclosures are skyrocketing, or that the unemployment rate is climbing, or that prices are rising. Or that the financial system is crumbling before our very eyes. Really, the economy is doing just fine, even if you, personally, are not. Or so says the esteemed Geoff Colvin:
The recession is no doubt hurting you, perhaps badly. Your sales may well be down. Maybe you’ve even lost your job. Whatever your troubles, you may safely blame them on the recession. […]
Just one problem: There isn’t any recession. The latest figures show that we clearly were not in one as of midsummer, whether you use the rule-of-thumb definition – two consecutive quarters of GDP shrinkage – or the looser concept of a sustained and significant economic decline. […]
A more profound reason that people believe we are in a recession can’t be found in the GDP tables at all. It’s in their minds, what psychologist and author Judith M. Bardwick calls the psychological recession – “an emotional state in which people feel extremely vulnerable and afraid for their futures.” […]
What’s so insidious about it, she says, is that “as people try to gain some sense of having control through knowledge, they increase their fears and sense of vulnerability by seeking out and therefore exaggerating the bad news. In this way the psychological recession is self-fulfilling.”
So, despite your pain, it ain’t a recession. It’s just a psychosomatic recession based on your own economic hypochondria. In reality, we’re doing just fine. You should ignore all those silly dommsayers like Nouriel Roubini and think happy thoughts instead. Because when you feel happy, all your cares just drift away.
Just like the value of your 401K.
Update [2008-9-17 16:46:37 by Steven D]: To be a good wanker requires good timing. Well, today, Geoff had spectacular timing:
Dow’s 449-point drop is second worst of the year as AIG bailout spreads fears about financial sector to Goldman, Morgan Stanley.
Way to call your shot, Geoff!