Dude, just because I wake-up to the Breakfast of Champions, doesn’t mean I’m a pot-head. I know heroin addicts who are doctors and lawyers. Not to mention half of Hollywood. So don’t give me that look. Just because I can’t remember what I just said doesn’t mean I don’t have damn a good point to make.
But, dudes, come on, it’s time to stop the madness. It’s time we politely told the Mexican drug cartels to stop sending their crappy-ass weed across our border and vow to smoke only grass Made in the U.S.A. We dig the beaches and the senoritas and the tequila, but come on baby, Mexican weed is crap. I’m sorry. Someone has to say it. And maybe they’ll chop off my head and make pozole from my entrails, but someone has to step up and complain about the quality of Mexican Marijuana. Is there any THC in that joint Paco?
The way to end the drug war is to protect our borders against Mexican drugs and be merciless about it. And if the cartels get snippy, you know, and fight back, well we’ve got a not-so secret weapon on our side: millions and millions of Americans who virulently hate all Mexicans from Argentina to, uh, Mexico. And they work cheap. Lots of Americans are willing to leave their soon-to-be foreclosed homes and live in tents and chow down on beans and rice just for the chance to hunt down and kill some Mexicans.
Not me. I love Mexicans. Especially the ones from Mexico. The Mexican People are the greatest people on the entire planet, but the problem is Mexicans are so poor they can’t afford good quality shit so they settle for this crap which they can afford because it’s so cheap (2 ounces for about $40) and there are so many poor people everywhere which fuels a market for this crap. It’s a tragedy. Like bad champagne or caviar.
Like, dudes, where is your self-respect? What is worse than seedy, stemmy, flaky, dry, brown, crappy weed? I just don’t get it.
Now, you see, what we need here is the Johnny Appleseed Project. Except for weed. So, I don’t know, something like the Tommy Chong Project. There were apples before Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed didn’t invent apples. But Johnny Appleseed had good apples. Primo. A#1. Juicy. Sweet. Red and Delicious.
And Johnny planted the good shit all over the fucking countryside see? Pretty soon there were plenty of good apples just for the taking by anyone who happened to wander along.
And that’s what we need for grass, see? I got it: The Mary Jane Project. No. Something. It needs a good name like The New Deal, but you know pot-related like Tokin for Freedom or something – The Elysium Project. Ooh. Anyway, we can have a naming contest with a cash prize – lots better heads out there than just my own.
The point is to take our good shit from California and the Northwest and wherever else they grow good American marijuana these days and start planting it all over the place in Mexico and places in Southern Mexico like Columbia, Peru and Brazil. And pretty soon there is good shit everywhere for a really low price and everyone is happy except for the criminal gangs who run the operation now. And we’ll just have to find them other green jobs.
And for those who resist and can’t transition to a non-criminal life, we’ll elect to Congress where cartel members will feel right at home. (Oh no, did I just say that out loud?) Kidding. I joke. Members of Congress are not part of a criminal gang. They’re stooges for the criminal gang. (Oh, sweet Jesus did I do it again?) Members of Congress are very honorable. Very. Shakespearean in their honorability. Noble. Miserably noble. Like Laura Bush. Or the parents of Red Chief.
The point is this isn’t about Congress and I wish you hadn’t brought it up. This is about ending years and years of a war against our inalienable rights. Dude, what is smoking a doob at nine in the morning if it isn’t the right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Consider half of our considerable prison population as political prisoners. Attica! Free the Marijuana One Million!
People smoke dope; get over it. Lots of people. Lots and lots. I personally smoked dope with the President of…well, who hasn’t? Am I right?
Did America build a Prison Industrial Complex just to house and feed at taxpayer expense folks who trade and use marijuana? Not to say there aren’t real criminals out there who need incarceration. I can think of more than a few right off the bat. But we have to be honest; there is lots of Victor Hugonian criminality in a class-based society with a permanent under-class of oppressed ex-slaves, starry-eyed immigrants and lugubrious American misfits who don’t fit the mold of someone say like Barack Obama. Or Reese Witherspoon.
……..damn. I know I had a point to make……
Coke and acid and ecstasy and heroin and whatever else is a different debate for a different day and since I won’t remember this one, who gives a rip.
But pot? It’s a no-brainer. It’s a good cash crop and let’s get the industrial hemp, uh, industry, a kick in the pants with some of our stimulus dough. Hemp, Jesus, hemp is like one of those Swiss Army knives with forty blades. It can do everything. It’s almost as if there is a conspiracy of stupidity or something when it comes to good old fashioned reefer.
And, dude, you know what I think it is? When you light up the Doob the first thing in the morning, you know, after the morning constitutional and a cup of joe, you just don’t feel much like going to a job you hate. If you’re lucky and you have a job you love then getting high only makes the anticipation of going to work that much sweeter. But, as I say, if it’s a job you don’t like, then that great puff-the-magic-dragon feeling in the a.m. is going to turn your desire toward more sensual experiences like going for a walk outdoors or to a museum or creative pursuits like writing or painting or just sitting around doing nothing and enjoying the nothingness.
20th Century American Capitalism, especially Industrial Capitalism, especially Military-Industrial Capitalism requires a fairly stable, highly skilled, and punctual work force. Tens of millions of folks going on walkabouts or reciting poetry ain’t going to cut it. But today? We don’t have any freaking industry. War is obsolete. The jobs we have left in America any moron can do, evidently including the Presidency. (Should I clarify which president I mean? No, it goes with the whole moron thing, let them figure it out.)
I need a toke. I don’t like muscular thinking. It’s like John the Baptist yelling in the wilderness. Or Cassandra. Or, uh, the guy who predicted the Italy earthquake. The TRUTH is staring you right in the face but hardly anyone else sees it.
Or that’s not quite right. Ordinary people see it. But our Leaders seem clueless.
50 years of a drug war has not had any effect on drug use by average citizens in a free society where drugs are illegal whatsoever. Dudes, like, what are they afraid of?
Slackers? Really? The greatest threats to our society are terrorists and slackers?
As I say, I just don’t get it. The Dumb War. The War Against Dumb is what we need.
Anyway, think of a name for the Johnny Appleseed Project for Marijuana and win a prize.
And don’t think of this as loopy or fringy or addle-brained. Think of it as the beginning of the end of hypocrisy.
We’ll never have a drug-free world so why not make drugs free?