… as imagined by wingnuts:
Dear Kids:
Hi. I’m the President and you’re not. That means you have to do what I say. In addition, I’m a Big Scary Black Man and if you don’t obey me I’m gonna send even Bigger, Scarier Black Men from ACORN to break your parents’ arms and legs, steal your Wii and PSP and take away your cell phones. Got it?
Good, I’m glad we understand each other. Now here is what I would like you to do for me:
(cont.)
First off, I want you to post a big picture of me on your bedroom wall and in your classrooms. Your teachers have the free posters to hand out at the end of the speech. Trust me, it’ll look really cool.
Secondly, I want you to convert to Islam. If you don’t know what Islam is, don’t worry about it. All you have to do is hate the Baby Jesus and celebrate a bunch of new holidays. How hard can that be?
Third, please let me and my friends at ACORN know if your parents ever say anything mean about me. Especially if they are Republicans or own any guns. Your teacher will pass out a super secret toll free number you can call to let me, your President, know what bad things your parents are doing. We’re making a list of who’s been naughty or nice, if you get my drift. And when that list is finished, some of you might have to be without your real parents for a time after we take them away to get re-educated at one of our friendly neighborhood FEMA camps, but don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you while they’re busy learning the Way of Obama, by sending you to your very own special camp where you can learn to be a good member of the Obama Youth Corps! You’ll get to sing songs of praise to me, and march around and wear little red scarfs and brown shirts and eat ice cream whenever you like. Won’t that be fun?
Fourth, if you are a white little boy or girl who’s listening to me now, and please don’t take this the wrong way, you are a member of a no good, evil, mass murdering bunch of dirty racist scumbags and you probably deserve to die a horrible death. You should get down on your knees every day and pray to me that I don’t send the US Air Force out to bomb your house to smithereens.
Now, to make up for all the terrible things you or your parents have done, or one of your ancestors may have done, to people of color (that is, to people like me) I am ordering you to turn over to your teachers within one week your entire allowance, lunch money and anything valuable you own (laptop computers, Blackberrys, any checks grandma and grandpa send you for your college education fund, your pretty stuffed animals, whatever) so that we can give them to worthy black children as reparations for the sin of slavery for which you, little white child are just as responsible as those people who actually owned slaves before the Civil War.
It would also help if you would, when you get the chance, hunt around your home for anything valuable that your parents might own and bring that in to school for our collection as well. In fact, the more of your parent’s things you give me (their guns especially, but credit cards and any loose cash or change you can find would be nice too) the more likely I am to let you keep your own stuff.
Oh, and just to be clear, if your Mommy or Daddy is a registered member of the Democratic, Socialist Workers’ or Communist Parties, or they contributed at least $2,000 to my election campaign, you won’t have to worry about any of this. You get excused from any of these “obligations.” You might want to pass that fact on to your parents. Encourage them to “do the right thing.”
One last thing: I want you all to go home tonight and no matter what your parents ask you to do, just say the following as loudly and as often as you can:
I refuse to do anything you say until we get socialized medicine for everyone, higher taxes and you turn in all your guns to Our Lord and Savior, President Obama!
And if any of them give you any trouble, well, you just call me and my ACORN buddies at that toll free number your teacher is passing out right now. And just remember, your teachers will be taking down the names of any of you who don’t display the proper enthusiasm for what I’ve asked you to do. So don’t get any ideas that you can cop an attitude and ignore me. We’re watching you. I’d hate for something bad to happen to your pet dog or cat, or your little baby brother or sister, your Mom or Dad, or even you, something unfortunate like getting a visit from some big scary black men some evening. But, knowing how patriotic you all are, and how much you want to make your President happy, I’m sure none of that will be necessary.
Thank you all children, I’ve had a great time talking with you, and if you can remember anything regarding our little chat today I hope it is this: Do everything I ask and no one gets hurt.
So long, and may Allah, and his prophet, Barack Hussein Obama, bless America.
[Screen fades to Obama logo]