Update [2011-6-25 18:47:57 by Steven D]: My heartfelt thanks to all of you who commented. Your support is much appreciated.
First of let me clear. I am not a brave person because I’m writing this diary. Indeed, I have been a coward most of my life, so don’t tell me this is a brave thing I’m doing. It’s not.
However, after last night’s vote in the New York Senate, I feel it is a necessary diary, if only for myself. Last night my Republican state senator (a career politician I’ve never much cared for) voted to grant equal rights for everyone with respect to marriage. That took courage. If he can make that vote as a state senator in a very red district, than at the least I can tell my story.
I am a bi-sexual, and also, I believe a transgendered person.
(cont.)
Those facts are a part of who I am. Just as is my marriage to a heterosexual woman. Just as is the fact that I am a father to two beautiful and smart children who I adore. Just as is the fact that I have a chronic autoimmune disorder and cannot work because of my symptoms. Just as is the fact that I suffer from depression and social anxiety disorder. Just as is the fact that I am a liberal.
The difference is that until this morning I did not tell very many people about my sexuality. My wife knows and has known since before we married. My adult son knows. A few, a very few, close friends I know. Now you know, too.
Excuse me if I ramble a bit, but I have repressed a great deal about myself and who I am, and I have much to say. I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible.
* * *
As a young child I was very sickly and frail. I was also extraordinarily shy. I had few friends and the ones I did have were people who made an effort to seek me out and offer me their friendship. As an adolescent I did not date. I was too fearful to ask anyone. The first woman I did date I ended up marrying. I was so excited that anyone would say yes to me that I focused all of my emotions and romantic fantasies on to her. Our marriage lasted 9 months before she left me for an older married man.
After I graduated from college (1978) and my divorce became final I lived with a male friend ( call him M) who had also been a friend of my ex-wife. To show you how clueless I was about sexuality, I had actually been jealous of him and believed he was a potential rival for my wife’s affections before she and I married. When I moved in with M he had just come out as a gay man to his family. His parents were deeply religious Catholics and they immediately disowned him. We spent long hours together talking (well he did most of the talking and I listened — shy people often are very good listeners).
He was excited about coming out, about finding a society of people who did not condemn him for his sexual orientation but welcomed him and accepted him. At the same time he was very emotionally distraught about his family and their rejection of him. Gay people had just started to demand equal rights and it was an exciting, liberating yet still very dangerous time.
I became very close to M emotionally, and (what shocked me at the time) I also began to feel physically attracted to him. He was very outgoing and extroverted — the exact opposite of my own personality, which was overly serious, introverted and often fearful. M was good looking as well, my height with dark curly hair. He was always smiling and laughing when he was happy or excited and his spirit and encouragement was a balm to my wounded soul after my divorce.
After a while, I became jealous of the time he spent with his gay friends, and especially when he took a lover. To be honest with you I was incredibly confused about my feelings for him. One night after he had gone to bed, I went and stood outside his door, trembling. I wanted to knock and go in and make love to him. I wanted to but I didn’t. Perhaps I was still to afraid of rejection, still too damaged emotionally by my divorce. I know I was afraid of what might happen if I knocked and he answered the door and asked me in. I was attracted to women. How could I also be attracted to a man?
Two years passed. I no longer lived with M because my job was an hour away in the city. At least that was the official reason. I worked as a counselor at a facility for emotionally disturbed adolescents and rented an apartment with another openly gay man, though this time not someone to whom I was attracted in any way. At work I alternated between two” houses” as they were called, though they were simply locked down units within a single building, divided by gender and age. One included young adolescent boys and another adolescent girls (there were six “houses” in all).
In the girls’ unit where I worked, the main male counselor was a tall young man who I swear looked like your classic version of white Protestant Jesus except that he dressed as a stereotypical hippy (for obvious reasons let’s call him J). He had the beard, the long hair, the piercing blue eyes. He was a calm and caring presence, and all the teenage girls in that unit (most of whom had been sexually abused by relatives) had crushes on him. J was the first male figure who treated them with respect and nurtured them. No matter what the situation, I never saw him get angry.
J was quiet, like me and we became good friends. What I didn’t know at the time was that he was infatuated with me (why I could not say). I only learned of his romantic interest when he confessed his feeling for me to the woman with whom I was living at the time. For reasons I still cannot fathom, she told me and arranged a date for the two of us shortly before J was to take a trip to India. And so I had my first sexual experience with a man. He was very tender and loving. Regrettably, he left soon afterward. But something had clearly changed in the way I thought of myself.
The woman I lived with back then was a very disturbed person from a broken family. She had been seeing several psychiatrists for some time before I met her. A few months after J departed, she attempted suicide and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. My reaction to that incident surprised and shocked me.
On the second night of her admission, after having learned of the location the largest gay dance club in the city where I lived, I went into our apartment’s bathroom, but on my girlfriend’s makeup (blush, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara), curled my hair with her curling iron, wore one of her gold necklaces, used her perfume (Shalimar as I recall), put on her black silk black halter which tied in front in a bow (I was very slender at the time at 5’11 and 145 pounds give or take), put on a windbreaker to cover up what was obviously a piece of woman’s clothing and got I my car and drove to the gay club. I danced and was picked up by a man and went to his home.
Over the next few years this would be a recurrent pattern.
* * *
Let me back up a bit here. From an early age (as young as 5 or so) I had dressed up in my mother’s clothing. I also tried on her lipstick and mascara. I couldn’t have told you why I did, it just felt natural. Of course, later I would pray to god asking him to forgive me for the sin of dressing like a woman and begging him to make me stop. God never got around to helping me out with that, however. I guess he had more important things to do.
I mention this now because all throughout my life I have felt that I might have been happier as a woman. Oh, I played team spots and was very aggressive and competitive in football (until my coaches said I was just to thin to play my preferred position of linebacker) and basketball, but I see my daughter today, and she is just as competitive in the sports she plays as I ever was. Certainly she is far more competitive at sports than my son. So, even though team sports was considered a sign of masculinity when I was a boy, I no longer feel that it was a sign of my true personality as a male.
Plus, I have to consider all the other aspects of my personality. I was very empathic as a child, and nurturing. Indeed, I much preferred taking care of small children and interacting with them than my peers as a young adult. Whether these are both equally male and female traits, I cannot say. My experience is that many more women than men assume the role of nurturer, but I’m not going to say its a trait determined by biological factors. Heck, my wife and the mother of our children was not especially nurturing toward them when they were younger. Nonetheless, I did feel more comfortable in roles that were traditionally defined by gender: cooking, child-caring, etc.
At one point in my life, after I had been diagnosed with my chronic illness, and was suffering from depression and stress, I saw a therapist. Eventually I told her about my bisexuality and that I had seriously considered a sex change operation. What stopped me? The fact that 1) my illness made me a poor candidate for sexual assignment surgery, 2) I had two children and a wife who depended on me for emotional support and 3) I wasn’t completely certain that making such a drastic change at my age would make me a happier person, and was concerned it would cause great harm to the lives of my wife (whom I love) and my kids.
Still, I often wonder what I would have decided if I had been born 20 years later, say in 1976, rather than 1956, the year I was born. In my youth, transgendered people were not labeled transgendered. Indeed, the first time I ever heard about a man who had a sex change operation was the controversy over the Tennis player Renée Richards who was excluded from playing women’s tennis because she had once been a male, Richard Raskind. The media was not particularly supportive of her, even after she won her Supreme Court case and was permitted to pursue her career as a female professional tennis player.
I suppose I will never know what decision I would have made if my circumstances had been different.
* * *
So, why do I say I’m bi-sexual and not gay. There are several reasons but the most prominent one is that I am still physically attracted to women. Indeed, I married one and had two children with her. I don’t view human sexuality as an either or proposition. Some scientists of human behavior suggest that there is a spectrum along which a person’s sexuality and sexual preferences lie. I personally believe the spectrum idea is too simple. I’d prefer a three dimensional model in which a person’s sexuality lies along three separate but intersecting axes: gender, sexual preferences and sexual desire.
More importantly why didn’t I end up in a same sex relationship instead of the “opposite” sex relationship that I chose? That is a more complicated question.
During the period when I was sexually active with male partners, I derived a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from those experiences. I explored a part of myself that would otherwise have always remained hidden away and deeply repressed. The gay lifestyle of the late 70’s and early 80’s was very exciting. As an extremely shy person, I especially liked the fact that I didn’t have to make the first move. I enjoyed being considered an object of desire if you will, something that was not the case in my interactions with women. I also encountered a number of very sensitive and loving gay men who were very attentive to my needs. I even had one man who wanted to enter into a long term relationship with me.
So why did I choose a heterosexual relationship? Well, in the era I’m speaking about I also experienced many negative aspects of having sex with men. I was date raped twice. Both were very unpleasant and painful experiences, and one made me fearful for my life. What I knew about gay men came mostly through going to gay bars. As any gay man can tell you the gay bar or club scene is not that different from the heterosexual bar/club scene. It a great way to find someone with whom to have a one might stand but not the best way to find a lasting relationship. And though I knew of a few gay men in monogamous relationships, at the time I didn’t see that as very likely to happen for me.
Because, you see, I wanted a monogamous, until death do us part, relationship. That was how I was raised and that was my personal desire — marriage. I wanted children. In 1980, those things were not available to LGBT individuals. Discrimination and violence against LGBT individuals was also rampant in housing, work, etc. (as it still is). I eventually chose the field of law for my profession and I did not want to have to hide my relationship or fear reprisals in the workplace.
In short, at that time and place I was not willing to risk falling in love with a man. I had options that were not available back then to a gay male: legally sanctioned marriage, children, and the ability to enjoy sex with women. And then there was my AIDS scare.
Around 1984, after AIDS began making headlines, I became frightened. I have never had great health (asthma as a child, allergies, a susceptibility to bacterial infections, pericarditis when I was 17, etc.) and I had had enough unprotected sex with men that I was worried I might have contracted the HIV virus. I don’t remember the year but at some point I went and had a test done and it came back positive.
Well, I don’t know if you can imagine how that felt. My doctor said that I needed to take a second test, a more comprehensive one, to confirm the diagnosis. That test however, took up to 6-8 weeks before the result could be known (why I don’t know). That period was one of the most harrowing of my life. Fortunately, the second test came back negative. The first test had a high rate of false positives apparently.
I was a traditional person, raised in a very tradition home. I wanted a very traditional life, and that would not have been available to me in a same sex relationship in 1980. And to be honest, I was afraid. Afraid of disease, afraid of not ever finding a life partner, afraid of never having children. For good or ill I chose to pursue long term relationships with women instead of men. I found someone, a beautiful woman who appreciated me, we fell in love and got married.
* * *
That said, let me add a few more comments and observations.
I do not regret the choices I made in my life. What I do regret is that I have hidden part of myself from the vast majority of people who know me personally or online. I have been lying to you and to myself, thinking it wasn’t important enough to tell this story.
I was wrong. I acted out fear, timidity, cowardice — take your pick. Yes, I have written here and at Booman Tribune about the need for a more just society. I have championed the rights of gays, lesbians and transgendered individuals, and often argued for the extension to them of the same rights under the law that the rest of us receive without thinking. But that wasn’t and isn’t good enough.
You see, I believe that there are a lot of people like me. People who have had same sex experiences and relationships with someone of the same sex who are hiding, just as I hid until today. I suspect there a lot more people similar to me out there who still refuse to live openly. More than those who scapegoat and attack LGBT people realize. And I also believe that there are more people in this country who would accept these people as their equals if they knew the whole story, and not just the part that they and I have been willing to publicly reveal.
I am exceedingly happy today that the state in which I live passed a law allowing same sex marriage. Yet I am cognizant that there are many other states, indeed, the majority of states, who refuse to offer basic human rights to their citizens solely on the basis of sexual orientation. I am ashamed that this country includes so many people who have a visceral and irrational hatred and fear of LGBT people.
Well, I’m one of “those people.” I should have said so a long time ago.
Thank you for reading.
Steven D
Steven, thank you for sharing your story. I hope that helps heal those parts of your life that may be painful for you to remember. I am privileged to live in an area of Indiana that is, on the whole, much more tolerant of various and sundry lifestyles and am blessed with good friends from every sexual orientation you can imagine. For me, the rainbow is more spectacular to behold than the plain dull gray sky anytime. I wish peace and serenity for you and those you love.
Thank you for sharing your story. Very powerful and very honest like your other posts.
Steven, your story is very similar to mine – and, I suspect, many other men of our age. In my case I’ve always been more sexually attracted to men, and more emotionally attracted to women, and decided that the latter was a better basis for a lifetime relationship – plus the fear of AIDS that defined our generation. (The irony, of course, is that we both wound up with compromised immune systems anyway.)
Given that our experiences are likely not so unique, I hope your story brings both comfort and courage to others who might not be so able (yet) to be as open about their sexual identities.
Thank you for writing this and posting it. The gay marriage vote in New York was an inspirational act of political courage, and so is your post.
I don’t even believe that sexuality is even concrete. I think it resembles something like the spectrum, but that we change as we grow older, wiser, etc. Sexuality is fluid in many people — certainly not all. I would say most people would have sexual encounters with all sorts of people if they were really honest with themselves.
For a while when I was a kid I thought I may have been gay. I got off to porn, but I really got off to transsexual porn. I didn’t know why, but I was very turned on by it. This was around when I was 15 years old. Of course, I grew up in a conservative Evangelical fundie religious Jesus House, whereby even the thought of masturbation was considered wrong and sexually impure. God help me if they knew the certain types of porn that I was watching. Eventually I realized it was just the erotic nature of it that turned me on, not necessarily what was involved.
I’ve done sexual things with men, although I’ve never had sex with men. Here is how I’d categorize my own: I could sleep with a man fairly easily, especially with a few drinks flowing. I’m not physically attracted to men or the male body, but male genitalia is attractive. It’s a weird mix. However, I’m attracted to women emotionally and sexually every which way, and I enjoy their companionship far more. I have way more female friends than I do guys (I could probably honestly say it’s a 3-1 ratio). I just enjoy their company more.
For these reasons, I identify as heterosexual. However, ignorant people constantly try to say that I’m bisexual. Even a lot of gay people — such as Andrew Sullivan — constantly try to pigeonhole people into what they think we are, rather than allowing us to identify for ourselves. It’s ridiculous. Who needs labels? We’re human beings, and human sexuality is a beautiful celebration of life — no matter which way you swing.
thank you for sharing. it took bravery to bare your soul like this.
That’s a powerful testimony, Steve D. Thank-you.
Thanks, Steven. This is a great post, very open and personal. I always love when I get to know more about my favorite bloggers. 🙂
Welcome to the out online QUILTBAG community (Queer/Undecided/Intersex/Lesbian/Trans/Bisexual/Asexual/Gay). We can always use another fabulous member in our acronym.
Hadn’t heard “QUILTBAG” before. I love it. That’s a seriously creative acronym.
Relationships occur between people before all of the cultural categories and abstractions intervene.
And what appears to be the case is that agricultural societies operated in strict sexual dualities because that is how they understood the world. And the world’s “great” religions all are rooted in pastoral or agricultural societies.
What we have learned since Freud broke the straitjacket (probably the only lasting contribution of his work), is how complex and multi-layerd human sexuality is. Identity, orientation, attraction, affection, and commitment can be complexly aligned in the same individual. Not to mention the biological complexity of sexually identified characteristics. It is no wonder that this tends to be the most problematic area of most people’s lives.
The refusal of human rights can be based on almost any phyisical, psychologicsl, or cultural marker. But what is also true is that those barriers are overcome to the extent that one knows and respects individual people who bear one or more of those culturally charged markers. Coming out makes those markers less powerful and eventually less important. It is the large number of people who self-identify with the LGBT community and who over the last 30 years have come out who have brought this victory in New York. And the millions who were waiting for just this sort of a victory in order to come out.
No regrets, Steven D. Just celebrate it. It was your time. At last. What the Tea Party bigots don’t understand and your story documents is that liberty is damn complicated.
“Liberty is damn complicated.”
Excellent.
I have to say I respect you on now an added level even more. For years now I’ve watched my dearest of friends search for ways to discover their meaning; searching as if it was out there somewhere just waiting for the right door to open and be discovered. And I’ve always believed that the right to have a committed relationship was an imperative part of society…not just for the individual’s sake but for society as a whole’s sake. The fabric is all the stronger today than it was just yesterday before the NY vote.
I am so glad you are here every day and even more happy that you shared your story.
Steven, that took tremendous courage and I respect you enormously for it. “To thine own self be true”.
Even though he is a Republican, that state senator deserves to be re-elected. Vote for him.
OK, fine, if you insist: you’re a coward.
But at least you’re a coward who has integrity.
Steven, I truly admire your candor. Thanks for your courage in sharing this story with us. I am certain that you are correct in stating that there are many others out there.
Fantastic, Steven. It’s never too late to be who you are. I’m learning that at 51.
Steven, I’ve admired your writing and the soul behind your words for a long time. Your essays and observations have moved me many times. I am so happy for you that you have come out like this. Thank you for sharing more of who you are with us. All the best to you and your family.
Thank you librarylil for capturing perfectly my feelings about Steven.
Thanks Steven. I agree with you about the sexuality spectrum model, although until reading your thoughts on it I hadn’t realized how inadequate an explanation it is. It opens up the discussion to a more accepting consideration that sexuality and gender identity is not a concrete matter of either/or, or even either/or/both/neither, or whatever else we might come up with, but as a linear model it still has some glaring limitations.
I don’t even know if a 3-dimensional model is adequate to the task, when we stop to think about all the societal norms and pressures that come into operation. When you discuss sports and the competitive urge for physical (or other) dominance, it reminds me yet again about that remarkable trio of essays that Terrance did a couple years ago about how high-school shooting rampages so often revolve around a history of sexual bullying, whether the kids themselves were lgbt or simply reacting to teasing along those lines.
I don’t mean that sports et al is directly comparable to murderous retaliation, but it reminds me that somewhere on a spectrum beyond my ability to perceive it clearly, all these factors have a place and are fully accounted for.
Well, I don’t hardly know what I’m trying to say now, so I’ll leave it at that. Thanks again for sharing such a personal and important story, and may we all be thankful that, for all the hatred and inequality out there, we still live in an era in which it’s possible to even have this conversation with those who wish to participate–and occasionally to see the cause of equality and human rights creep ever so slightly forward.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Steven. And I agree with Second Nature’s comment above, it’s never too late to be yourself.
Thank you, Steven
I was listening to my local indie radio station a few days ago about the impending vote in our state and the commentators felt certain that when New York took down it’s barriers to marriage that many other states would likely follow in kind just for the fact that New York’s status as a leading state would sort of make it safer for other states to follow. They anticipate the flood gates being opened.
I don’t know if maybe they are a little overly optimistic but I sure hope they are not.
I do have one criticism however. You claim that you aren’t a brave person? Well, sorry pal but that’s just flat bullshit. I’ve seen your bravery in person. I watched you make a difficult trip and I’m sure an even more difficult march, considering your physical challenges, to protest the Iraq war in D.C. in 2005. And I respect you even more so for the fact that you brought your son with you and shared that experience with him.
I’ve read many, many fine examples of your sharing of yourself. Just the fact that you have been writing here so consistently, for so long now must in itself be a huge challenge for you. But you keep at it, day in and day out.
I’d say you’re one sturdy S.O.B. ;o)
The fact that you share such things in spite of your fear is a testimony to your courage.
Peace to you always, Steven
Hi super…you too like librarylil said with more eloquence what I think and feel about Steven. I couldn’t find the right words to write what and how I felt.
Hello :o)
Well then I guess that worked out good for everyone :o)