Sally Kohn is a lesbian and she wants her daughter to be a lesbian, too. That’s a provocative position to take, but her reasoning deserves a hearing.
She makes some good points, especially as rebuttals to the argument that parents shouldn’t want life to be harder for their children than it has to be. She points out that it’s easier to make a living as a dentist than an artist, but she’d never discourage her daughter from being an artist. She says that if she were living in North Carolina and adopted a Moroccan boy, she’d encourage him to be a Muslim if that’s what he wanted to be, despite the fact that it would probably be easier for him not to be a Muslim.
These examples aren’t perfect, however, because she isn’t saying that she’d support her daughter if she is gay but that she actively desires that her daughter will be gay. And it can get a bit weird.
When my daughter plays house with her stuffed koala bears as the mom and dad, we gently remind her that they could be a dad and dad. Sometimes she changes her narrative. Sometimes she doesn’t. It’s her choice.
Kohn is kind of inviting us to judge her parenting approach, but I’m still resistant to engage in that kind of analysis.
What’s key to her argument is that things won’t be equal for gays and lesbians so long as there is the presumption that heterosexuality is easier and preferable. So, she is not going to perpetuate those mindsets.
I’m pretty open-minded about these things, and I certainly understand her sincere wish that her daughter will be as much like her as possible. But it’s at least an open question whether her honesty isn’t just a gloss for her consciousness of guilt:
Time will tell, but so far, it doesn’t look like my 6-year-old daughter is gay. In fact, she’s boy crazy. It seems early to me, but I’m trying to be supportive. Recently, she had a crush on an older boy on her school bus. She was acting as any precocious, socially awkward child would, which is to say not very subtle. I confided in a friend who has an older daughter. “She wants to give this kid a card and presents,” I e-mailed. “The other kid is so embarrassed. It’s painful to watch. What do I do?”
My friend wrote back with a slew of helpful advice, ending with a punch to my gut: “Bet it wouldn’t bother you so much if her crush was on a girl.”
She was right. I’m a slightly overbearing pro-gay gay mom. But I’m going to support my daughter, whatever choices she makes.
Yes, she’s self-aware, which is good. It bothers her that her daughter likes boys. Maybe it bothers her in the same way that it bothers a father that his son is not interested in sports. She’d be happier if her girl was someone other than who she is. Sure, she’ll tolerate her choices and be supportive of her decisions, but isn’t this the kind of half-hearted support Kohn disparages in those who tolerate and support their gay children?
Okay, so she’s normal. There’s nothing to apologize for in that, but she’s also not being exemplary here.
The hard thing is to not care, I guess, whether your kid becomes a rich dentist, a starving artist, or what their sexual preference turns out to be.
Not too many parents can meet that test, and certainly not Sally Kohn.