[Oval Office, post Sean Spicer press conference, May 3rd, 2017, where he “displayed pictures of border walls and fences, arguing that Trump is helping protect the country by replacing damaged parts of the border fences with new construction. In back-and-forths with a few journalists, they quibbled about whether the new structures being built were actually “walls.””]
Preibus: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the team was down. I think that the problem may have been…that there was a Stonehenge monument in Congress where the wall was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Bannon: I really think you’re just making a much too big thing out of it.
Priebus: Making a big thing out of it would’ve been a good idea.
Trump (to Bannon): You gave me a drawing. You said we could just build little fences. Alright?
Priebus: I know he did, and that’s what I’m talking about.
Bannon (to Trump): Now, whether you know the difference between little fences and walls is not my problem. I do what I’m told.
Priebus (to Bannon): But you’re not as confused as him are you? I mean it’s not your
job to be as confused as the president is.
Bannon: It’s my job to do what I’m asked to do by the creative element of this administration. And that’s what I did. C’mon…
Ivanka: The audience were laughing.
Trump: Spicer’s conference became a comedy number.
Spicer: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not pleasant to be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage, perhaps, it was very amusing.
Trump: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf clear.
Priebus: What do you mean?
Trump: So they won’t trod upon it.
Priebus: I don’t think that’s the issue. I think it’s symptomatic that maybe you’re taking on more than you can…uh…uh…uh…handle.
Ivanka (to her father): It’s not exactly the first time you’ve messed things up is it?
Priebus: I mean there’s been some, uh, gaping holes in the business end. If this…if this, uh…
Bannon (to Ivanka): “Not the first time”…just a minute. Excuse me. This is an Oval Office meeting. Right? Are you here for some reason?
Trump: Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it. She’s, she’s with me.
Bannon: No, but is she now in in the inner circle? Is she calling the shots or something?
Ivanka: I care what happens to the administration.
Trump: She’s with me alright?
Bannon: Mr. President, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have built around yourselves…
Trump: Hey don’t knock at me. Don’t knock at me.
Bannon: …you start screaming like a bunch of pansy hairdressers.
I mean it’s just a problem you know. It get’s solved…
Ivanka: It doesn’t.
Bannon: …you can’t…you can’t live in a bubble.
Ivanka: If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn’t get solved. I mean what do you think happend out there? What got solved in that press conference?
Bannon: For one thing that goes wrong…one…one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There’s no sex and drugs for Steve, Mr. President. Do you know what I do? I turn fake news into real news. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin!
Trump: Yes. We’ve seen you. We’ve seen you do that.
Bannon: You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews. That’s what I do.
Ivanka: Well maybe you should get someone else to find the mandolin strings, and you should concentrate on what’s going on on stage!
Trump: Yes, yes. That’s what we’re talking about.
Bannon: You mean you want me to be the road manager?
Trump: All bad…No, all bad ba…uh, could we…
Ivanka: What daddy is trying to say, if you’d let him get a word through, is…you could maybe…do with some help.
Bannon: Some help?
Ivanka: …Running things.
Trump: It’s very simple, it’s very simple.
Ivanka: It’s that clear.
Trump: Maybe there’s someone already in the organization. We don’t have to pay insurance. We don’t have to pay extra room, etc. Since she’s already here, she’s already among us, and uh, she can…she is certainly capable of taking over…
Bannon (pointing to Ivanka): She? She? Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Trump: Well who do you think I’m talking about? Who do you think I’m talking about?
Bannon: I would…I would have never dreamed in a million years that it was her you were talking about!
Trump: Why not?
Ivanka: I am offering to help out here.
Bannon: No, you’re not offering to help out. You’re offering to co-manage the administration with me. Is that it?
Trump & Ivanka: Yes!
Trump: In so many words, that is exactly it.
Ivanka: Exactly!
Bannon: I’m certainly not going to co-manage with some…some…some girl just because she’s your girlfriend…
Trump: Don’t call her my girlfriend!
Bannon: Alright, she’s not your girlfriend. I don’t know…
Ivanka: Oh girlfriend is it? You couldn’t manage a classroom full of kids! I don’t know what you’re doing managing a presidency!
Trump: Why don’t we just…
Ivanka: Oh shut up!!!
Bannon: Look, look…I…I…this is…this is my position okay? I am not managing it with you or any other woman, especially one that dresses like an Australian’s nightmare. So fuck you!!!
Ivanka: Fuck you too!!!
Bannon: And fuck all of you…because I quit! Alright? That’s it!
Good night!!!
Priebus: Can I raise a practical question at this point?
Trump: Yeah.
Priebus: Am I not longer co-managing this presidency?
Everyone: No you’re not fucking co-managing this presidency!