This is fun. I promise. I think.
I’ve been reading the great “Are Americans war criminals” debate diaries and feeling kind of bad. I’ve even felt compelled to jump in with my take here or there. And that is no fun. I am not much for conflict. I know. Strange trait for a lawyer. But that’s why I’m in mid-career change, I suppose. Also why I am at Booman Tribune, I suppose.
So, while I really think the ideas being discussed are important, I am hating the process. And I thought of this diary as a way to 1) discuss the ideas further, 2) in a fun way, that will hopefully 3) unite us and not divide us (can’t believe I’m using his phrases). Read on, if you’re interested.
I propose, in this diary, that we hypothetically put George W. Bush on trial for war crimes committed in Iraq. We select a couple of brave souls to represent both sides. I nominate Ductape Fatwa to prosecute the case, if he/she will accept. And Booman to defend, not that Booman’s representation would in any way bind him to the cause he was forced to defend in his future life in elected or appointed office. And not because Booman ever would believe in his client. Just because he is an effective advocate who might just be able to save Bushie’s skin.
You all, will be jurors. I’m posting a poll at the bottom, that will serve as a verdict form. But, you cannot vote until midnight or afterward tonight. You must keep an open mind. And listen to all evidence and argument that might be presented before giving a verdict.
Oh, and I want to be the judge. I promise I can be fair, despite my predisposition. It is the whole Miers idea — we all want to be a judge, I tell you. But the judge will play little role here. Just to set parameters of the trial.
I know. Kooky. But, any distraction before the indictments is a good distraction.
Or, should I just delete this now?
Can we get the appearances of counsel, please?
Brownie and Mier for the defense?? 🙂
I know the guy likes friends, but even he can’t be this stupid. 🙂
Since we can’t hold our breaths for Hillary tackle this…
I did some “homework” and I think this team would do nicely.
Hollopeter, Fitzgerald, Hughes and Kanarek.
Except Hughes went missing during a trial and was found dead. So Hollopeter, Fitzgerald and Kanarek.
I thought about asking Joseph Ball but figured he would say Bush was competent enough to represent himself.
😀
I am proud to say that I am not so much of a blog geek that I understand one word of what you just said. (And I’m not calling you a blog geek. Just you are onto something that I have zero knowledge of. Feels good to be totally ignorant about something obviously newsworthy. I miss total ignorance when I would just watch the nightly news once in a while).
There is madness to my method, BostonJoe. 🙂
The team above were all at one time members of the Manson Defense team.
ohtay? 🙂
Down below I mentioned Twinkies but I put in a Blue’s Clues addendum to that. 🙂
Pay no attention to the blonde behind the curtain!
Laughing. About it all. There were like ten jokes. In one post.
Blonde behind the curtain. 🙂
Devout believer in “if you can’t dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle em with your bullshit” 🙂
I was torn between using “behind the curtain” or “behind the Green Door”.
Not a blog geek, that would impy intelligence, I’m just a bit on the warped side of life is all. 🙂
“Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.”
-Shakespeare
to me.
Dog gone it, how can we ever get an attorney (Booman) to accept this case if people are voting guilty already. Baliff, have those folks taken into custody. A night in the juskow ought to make them more open minded jurors. Sheesh!
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Can I vote twice?
You impertinent bastard. 🙂 I bet you were the class clown in high school. Weren’t you? I know it. Oh well. We’re keeping you on the jury for obvious reasons.
Guilty! Is it time yet?
Sustained!
from being Dumass’s counsel cause all of us think his guts should be used for garters!
On the side of the defense (?) I submit that anyone who would hire for his organization people who simply gush over him and cannot read things to him, truly could be classified as retarded (note the picture of Miers holding what might have been the memo about possible attacks)! And since we know about the black box on his back, we could even go farther and submit that he is truly not even human but a puppet and therefore cannot be held accountable for his actions.
That might be enough of a statement of bias to get you off most jury’s glitter, but you are not excused. Pull up a chair in the jury box. I don’t know if this is going to be much more than a show trial, if we can’t get any blog-lawyers as advocates, but your service is required.
Up to now I have never been able to get on a jury. I think it has to do with being too outspoken!
I think it may have to do with the fact that I have worked both for an AUSA (assistant u.s. attorney) and for a prominent ambulance chasin’ P.I. firm.
Tainted, I am.
I will be interested to see if you get any takers…this discussion has also riled a lot of feelings in me which I am not ready to share at the moment. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you for arguing my point of view so well in some of the other diaries.
I love your creative mind!
I have abandoned all opinion on this matter, in order to serve as a judge in the case. It really would not be wise for me to answer your questions considering I may have to sit on such issues other (I hate Bush) than to say that I can (war criminal) be fair and impartial on any (fucking hang him) matter of international law brought before this dishonorable court.
Hey! I was wondering about that, myself…
I think this is a great idea. Er, at least it is a brave one, for sure 😉
But prosecuting G W Bush for war crimes? I think that’s something pretty much everyone agreed on from the get-go.
*psst* <whisper>I don’t think the indictment or even conviction will be contentious — only the number of charges on which he’s found guilty.</whisper>
That’s the point. This is a healing process. Feeling good through laughter. A skill I developed when the drunken old man would rage a little. Everybody likes to laugh. Even drunk mean guys.
Thank you Boston Joe!
I was wanting to type something this morning in one of the diaries… but it got long and rambly. I think we need open and honest dialogue so we can begin to find ways to support our troops and stop these attrocities. Start the healing and bring justice.
Bush Inc are the war criminals. They are responsible for this war. They are responsible for their men – as are the officers and such in the field.
I support the troops but I do not condone torture, rape or abuse. I think all involved should be brought up on charges. Starting from the top. But as we have seen – it’s going from the bottom and staying there.
We need to stand against such attrocities… especially if caused by our country. We need to protect out troops from being abused and used. We need to help them. And that means grabbing the Bullshitter by the horns and bringing up into the light and show the world and our troops and human kind that we will not tolerate such crimes anymore.
So what’s the first bit of evidence against George W?
I say we bring on exhibit A. Downing Street Memo which are actually minutes of the meeting.
and Exhibit b. photos of his darling daughters being bounced out of a club while a war ravages on.
Exhibit c. Bush saying he needs to “get on with his life”.
Exhibit d. The lined pockets of the war pigs such as Halliburton.
and finally exhibit. Decency. Dignity and Humanity.
Dignity, Decency and Humanity.
I think those should be the first Witnesses. 🙂
I can’t comment on my personal feelings (well said) but I can say this in all sincerity. If Booman, or someone else, would take up Bush’s cause, just in this fun forum, I think a very good legal case can be put forward in defense. I would certainly file a motion to change venue, given that three members of the jury have already voted. But, seriously. To throw out that Bushie is a war criminal, as I often do, in hyperbole, and to convict him using the prinicples of international justice. Two very different things.
You should not be afraid to post your thoughts here (at Booman) though Janet. Booman is the ultimate host in regard to being fair and open to ideas. And you are the farthest thing from a prick, so nothing you would say would ever be held against you. I think.
That isn’t me. I aint’s no chicken. 🙂 Never been afraid to speak up or stand up. Okay, I’ve been wobbily kneed but I’ve never STFU 🙂
Okay so you want da proof. Alrighty then. I’ve got some 80 proof.. oh wait… nevermind. 🙂
Sorry. I must have mistaken you with some quiet Janet who did not push her way to the front of the Pink Power parade, and doesn’t shout at baffled Freepers. 🙂
If you insist upon real evidence here is my take:
If you need to consult with an expert at anytime. Danni might be able to assist you.
The day we began publicizing the bombing of Iraq, my daughter asked why. I said because they thought that possibly perhaps terrorists were hiding out there. Her response?
Shouldn’t they be SURE?!
I am sure that the learned counsel, who may never appear in this uncourt of unlaw, could use a second chair. I would suppose Danni’s opinions / comments could be squeezed before the jury.
I would hope that Marla Ruzicka would be called to testify on behalf of all the victims of this war.
Taking a quick shower. Making lunch for the kids. Before donning black dress to preside over this growing monstrosity.
You people. With your jobs. Lives. Heh! Everyone should have the luxury of being a relatively unemployed no-brain pontificator on life’s absurdity. Such a good job if you can get it. Really. Consider changing majors. Recess. Ten minutes. (Gavel banging — You don’t need to rise).
due to congenital and intractable developmental conditions, not competent to stand trial, button his own shirt, or decide when to pipi, therefore we request that the defendant be immediately transferred to a fully licensed custodial care facility, where he will receive not only humane treatment and a nutritious diet, but therapies both psychological and occupational with the goal of empowering him to perform simple employment (maybe putting caps on toothpaste), under supervision, that will do no harm to others, and generate some small income that can be used as a contribution to his basic living and therapeutic needs.
holds up a 3 inch stack of documents of quotes from Bush himself saying that G-d Speaks to Him.
About time you showed up. I may have to issue a warrant for that counterpart of yours (God — black robe makes a guy feel powerful).
Motion taken under advisement. We’re proceeding to trial on this counselor. He looks sane enough to execute in Texas. We’ll take expert testimony on that issue post-trial if necessary. If Booman doesn’t appear on behalf of the defense, I may have to nominate that troll guy Bill to defend Bushie. That would be the equivalent to getting appointed counsel in a Texas death row case. But for now, we’ll just give this Booman fellow a few more minutes. I hear he is good. And I want this to be a fair trial.
Fun to play with. But if he’s tried in the United States, obviously he’s not guilty because of insanity.
Then, he could end up in the same psychiatric hospital as family friend John Hinckley. Wonder if there’s a workout room there?
You should try a few cases in U.S. Insanity. Never works. American jurors aren’t buying all that touchy feely crap. Typical American juror’s thoughts: Did that guy/woman do something bad? Uhuh. Fuck them.
Damn straight!
That’s one area where I gotta agree with even the wingers *shudder*. (stopped clock, and all that)
You’re guilty or innocent based on your actions.
Leave the mitigating circumstances at the door. You can bring them forward at sentencing. But guilt or innocence isn’t conditional.
(e.g. killing in self defense is killing all the same, but we don’t need to punish you for it)
should NOT consist of Twinkies… in fact let’s keep Hostess products away from the entire courtroom.
(pssst: The blonde woman is hinting at the Twinkie Defense) 🙂
David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy, Sirhan Sirhan, Henry Lee Lucas, Charles Manson and John Wayne Gacy
hey… didn’t g-d talk to them too??
:turns around in surprise as Karl Rove leaps to his feet and shouts, “It’s true! I speak to him every day!”
In G-d we profit.
🙂
So. While we wait for a defense lawyer. Why don’t you lay out your indictment. Let’s keep it simple. I don’t want to tax the jury here.
and as the defendant himself enjoys repeating after his earpiece, robust.
The defendant, Your Honor, does not have the brains God gave a goat. And I would like to apologize to the esteemed goat community for any offense my remark may have caused.
I would like at this time to subpoena the earpiece.
I’m game!
You are a loved one, a relative of a servicemember.
You are a dependent, you are not a civie, remember? You are not allowed to have a voice or protest or question anything involving the troops or this government.
Baliff!!!!
😀 (((((Tracy))))
Well, since your husband is in the Defendan’t employ…. Oh fuck it… Have a seat in the jury box.
or you can give her a fake press pass! 🙂
We can protect you identity. Don’t they have juror protection programs for just such instances.
Just have a seat, madam. The clerk will bring you the necessary papers.
On the grounds that he was just following orders from the Veep.
I think we’ve got defending counsel right here.
Blueneck, are you volunteering to defend the war criminal, er, I mean the accussed?
Sorry, that’s my job…
😉
Spriderleaf for the defense. I’m sure you won’t mind if Blueneck helps out. Should he / she want to.
Go get them Spiderleaf.
But, I seemed to have misplaced my prosecutor. These blog-trials. Logistically challenging events, they are.
I guess you could enter your general plea? I’ve asked Ductape for some indictment (which is a helluva lot to ask for such a tounge and cheek performance art diary as this). Can your client plea generally, or will he need to see the charges against his, unlike the due process he withholds from some of his detainees. Strike that. I need to work on my impartiallity. Anyway.
I thought you had called a recess, anyway, so we could all go out and buy evidence bags, since the defendant has done something unmentionable with the ones we had.
ummm… sorry… I thought I was just going to apologize for him, not actually defend him…
I’d be glad to help defend (the indefensible). I do have a meeting tonight that I’m preparing for, though. Don’t expect me back til after 8 central time.
Here you go Spiderleaf / Blueneck. Here is Ductape’s indictment (it’s not the legal theory I would have proceeded on, but this person is a genius, so)
My indictment is simple, Your Honor (4.00 / 3)
and as the defendant himself enjoys repeating after his earpiece, robust.
The defendant, Your Honor, does not have the brains God gave a goat. And I would like to apologize to the esteemed goat community for any offense my remark may have caused.
How does the Defendant Bush answer the charge???
I am trying to mediate a real labor dispute over the phone as we speak, and conduct this trial in absurdity, and I gotta pick up my daughter in like ten minutes. If I wasn’t wearing this black dress, I would swear I was a modern woman.
Are we talking about wild or “pet” goats here?
we are prepared to call an expert witness who will testify that the defendant has the intellectual capacity of a cement goat, of the style commonly used as garden decor in certain unfortunate neighborhoods.
oh yeah, like I’m going to be able cast doubt that he is more intelligent than a cement goat…
how about a plea bargain?
to wear his own clothes in the custodial care facility, with the exception of flight suits and shirts that button.
Ductape. Could we please have your opening argument down at the end of the entire thread? Or is this asking too much for such a silly pursuit as this. And I am holding all laughter (exception of flight suits) until the end of this trial. Don’t make me clear this courtroom fella. Or madam. (The whole gender anonymity thing plays hell with my gender oriented prounouns — not that I’m complaining — it is part of the mystery we love about DF).
But anyway. Ahem. Openings. Please.
in my indictment. Nor further elaboration is needed. I submit to you as evidence that while we have been here in the courtroom, the defendant has, in plain view of the court, done something very discourteous with all the evidence bags, and at the request of his defense attorney, in an attempt to establish that he has the intelligence of either a wild or naughty pet goat, has consumed the contents of the defense’s briefcase, while emitting a strange high pitched sound that we are informed he believes are chortles, and as Your Honor will have noted, has similarly consumed the lower 8 inches or so of the hem of Your Honor’s robe, thus rendering it suitable for wear at most goth events, but somewhat avant-garde for a solemn proceeding of this nature.
It must be pointed out, however that the actual pet goat called as expert witness to testify on behalf of his client, has remained quietly seated throughout the proceedings, and has consumed only a few pretzels, and that when invited to do so by the bailiff, and it has been duly noted by the court reporter that no choking was noted, either during or after the consumption of said pretzels.
Your courtroom manner is unorthodox, but I like your chances looking at this jury. Well argued.
simple sequins to the now ragged hem of Your Honor’s robe, just as a deterrent, the defendant is looking a bit hungry again and we are told that he will not bite into metal more than once or twice.
That is fucking hilarious. I am fining myself $100 for laughnig out loud. God dang it. That is funny.
I don’t know. Ductape? Is this a wild or domestic goat you are alleging in the indictment?
(I’ve honestly got to run after this comment. Picking up daughter for piano)
But dammit. I’d like to see a plea, and an opening from the Prosecutor, along with the Defense opening (if you want to make one by the time I get back). We’ve got to get cracking to get this trial in by midnight.
Also, subpoena for earpiece definitely granted. If you want to talk plea while I’m out. Encouraged. Though I am looking forward to trial. I must say.
Don’t wanna be no judge.
Don’t wanna sit on no jury.
Phooey on the defense counsel.
Patooey on the prosecutor.
Don’t even wanna be the court reporter.
Here’s my idea of fun.
Today I made me a little black hoodie with two eye holes cut in it, and I tried it on, and it fits perfectly. I look mighty nice in it.
Then I went out to the garage and found me the best looking battleaxe you ever saw. Believe you me, I sharpened it up until it split a feather right down the middle.
Then I picked out a nice broad flat stump (one made by Hurricane Katrina, dontcha know, and sanded down the edges so they’re nice and smooth. Don’t want nobody gettin’ no splinters, ya hear?
So when ya’ll get done, tryin’, and arguin’, and rulin’, and deliberatin’, and comdemning Bush to death, just let me know. I’ll be ready.
And that’s when my fun will begin.
Mention of possible sentence will not be considered by the jury. We’ll get to that phase — or maybe not. I think Ductape has a long way to go on this proving the Prez has the intelligence of a cement yard goat. Fucking still laughing.
I’ll just continue to play croquet over here with the Red Queen.
Sentencing will be adjourned long enough for the secret service to perform an Internet wide search looking for the terms “battleaxe” and the phrase “comdemning Bush to death” in the same comment. You just can’t say those things Limelite. 🙂
Call me when they show up on doorstep tomorrow. If some employee at Walmart is reading this diary during work hours, you are guaranteed a visit. My advice. Say nothing. Run screaming from your home with your hands clasped over your temples. And ask them whether their boss is part of the global conspiracy to cut penises off male defendants. You are assured to avoid prison. (From personal experience in courtroom).
Seriously. Good luck though, man.
All right. Spiderleaf. Blueneck. How’s your guy going to plead to having the intelligence of a cement yard goat (god damn, I’m smiling so hard by cheeks actually hurt).
Sorry. How’s he plead for crissakes?
Stands mute, eh? All right, we’ll enter a plea of not guilty on his behalf. Ductape. I have to hear this opening statement. You may proceed when ready Counselor Fatwa.
The defense concurs with the upright(?) honorable(?) Judge BJ. ABSOLUTELY POSTISNIVELLY NOT GWILTY!
The plea is entered for the record. And watch it with the swipes at the judge. This courtroom is wired for sound.
Gosh, I hope we didn’t lose our prosecutor. I think I was going to have laugh-hernia waiting for him to explain the whole Bush has intelligence like that of cement yard goat. It is just a fun phrase to type and smile about.
defense counsel is incompetent and must leave the court immediately. As I have no obvious co-counsel here, and the defendant has lost his earpiece, I must ask for a mistrial or to have the ho(no)rable judge appoint new counsel til i can return @ approx 8 central time to continue my vigorous representational activies.
“the defense counsel is incontinent and must leave the court immediately”–in other word he/she is asking for a pee break. Maybe the defendant can write a note to Condi Rice to ask if it is okay.
Fucking hilarious. But don’t make me laugh anymore. I will clear this fucking courtroom. I assure you. And turn off that god damn cell phone. who is it with the cell phone. Fucking busy lawyers and their schedules. (Muttering, obviously distressed about the hold over the courtroom held by the esteemed prosecutor, as we patiently await an opening argument. Foot tapping under bench. I’m taking five for my own incontinence.)
We’re too far into this to mistry it based on incontinence. We’ll have to excuse you, and let the raging hippie take over (or anyone else willing) for the time being. Unless you can get back before Ductape graces us with his/her opening statement. Good luck on real life. Doesn’t sound like as much fun as this, to me. See you at 8:00 by which time your client may be in serious shite.
In mid-trial, I could let slip the fact that, although I have a law degree, I’m not licensed to practice. I would thereupon be disqualified, leaving Bush to defend himself. Guilty verdict guaranteed.
So ordered. Take over Raging Hippie. We’ll worry about incompetence of counsel later. After the execution. Should it take an ugly turn in that direction. You are as qualified as I. Or Miers. You’re in. Try to chide Fatwa to make an opening — while I use the little judge’s room and cook for the second time in this blasted trial.
Well, then, I move to dismiss the indictment on the grounds that there is no George W. Bush. The entity that has been represented to the public to be George W. Bush is nothing more than a puppet. Or a badly designed hologram. There is nothing whatsoever between those Alfred E. Newman ears and, ergo, nothing that can be held criminally responsible.
appears to be confusing the defendant Bush with the popular 80s era animated figure known affectionately in certain circles as Ronald Reagan.
My client, if in fact he could be said to exist, a fact that we do not concede, has been known to confuse himself with said Reagan. Which can only be construed as evidence of his incompetence to stand trial.
my opening statement. I rest my case.
I’m tempted to bang the gavel right here and submit this to the jury. But, wait. Let’s give the hippie a chance (unlike some other orange sites we know).
Hmm. Mistaken identity. I hadn’t considered it. Hmm.
It is hard to fathom, but Ductape has apparently gone for the opening, the taking of evidence, and his closing summation in one feld post. A bold move, worhty of the bold print below. Here it is:
Your Honor I already made my opening argument in my indictment. Nor further elaboration is needed. I submit to you as evidence that while we have been here in the courtroom, the defendant has, in plain view of the court, done something very discourteous with all the evidence bags, and at the request of his defense attorney, in an attempt to establish that he has the intelligence of either a wild or naughty pet goat, has consumed the contents of the defense’s briefcase, while emitting a strange high pitched sound that we are informed he believes are chortles, and as Your Honor will have noted, has similarly consumed the lower 8 inches or so of the hem of Your Honor’s robe, thus rendering it suitable for wear at most goth events, but somewhat avant-garde for a solemn proceeding of this nature.
It must be pointed out, however that the actual pet goat called as expert witness to testify on behalf of his client, has remained quietly seated throughout the proceedings, and has consumed only a few pretzels, and that when invited to do so by the bailiff, and it has been duly noted by the court reporter that no choking was noted, either during or after the consumption of said pretzels.
Have at him hippie. I give you an even money chance to beat the goat rap.
Funny you should mention a goat. My client has an entire list of goats of the “scape” variety who are ready and willing to testify on his behalf.
The prosecution wishes to compare my client to a goat. Now, what does the prosecutor have against goats? Goats play a vital role in a healthy, thriving ecosystem. Hell, they’ll eat anything. Without goats, there would be an empty space at countless petting zoos.
Your honor, I move that the prosecutor be sanctioned for goat-ing the witness.
to the custodial care facility, I have no objection if the court wishes to include a special stipulation that would set aside a specified time on weekends for the express purpose of allowing those members of the general public who wish to do so to enter the visitor’s area of the facility and pet the defendant.
I’m sorry, I’m laughing entirely too hard to reply.
the Heavy Petting Zoo
I think thats a fine name Janet! Its a radical idea I’ve always wanted to see the defendant in real life. Should I bring some sunflower seeds or something?
Your Honor!!!!! Your Honor!!!!
It has just been leaked to the press that George W. Bush is actually some sort of a goat and that G-d did NOT speak to him. That voice he heard was actually the voice of his second head.
Here’s a photo of Sesame Street’s very own Bert. Seen here with the Defendant – a two-headed goat.
After this photo, witness will testify that Bert jumped up and began beating Bush about the faces hollering, “Your my PBS bitch now!”
Now that photo cannot come into evidence. Way too prejudical. Considering the damage this man has done to public broadcasting, and the obvious tugging at the strings the connection of alleged goat being seen with Bert will bring to the proceedings. Strike, him, er, I mean that.
This particular photograph is still under investigation and therefore can not be commented on.
Besides it was a scanned copy of a Military Intelligence (how many “l”‘s in intelligence??) anyways – by a team of remote viewers in classified location.
However we feel that allowing Sesame Street characters – as well as various puppets and members, past and present of the Muppet Show be allowed visitation rights so that they may criticize and karate chop the defendant if he is to be relinquised to the Heavy Petting facility. The Jim Henson Convention states that inflicting some physical stress is permitted.
Visitors will not be allowed to take photographs or bring in any electronic or manual recording devices.
This can be addressed during the sentencing phase. All I can add is that Kermit the Frog and Big Bird both, and I quote – “Want a piece of him.”
on Letterman last night? Big Bird was euthanized to help prevent the spread of avian flu.
was sacrificed over the Swine Flu.
I guess that means we can do the same with the WarPigs. Off with their pig tails!
This is the coolest zoo ever. Photos and videos its like Abu Graib but in a good way!
has a second location that is classified and near and dear to the heart of California’s Governorator Gropenator, called “Abu Grabu”.
So thats bush. Wow I thought he’d be taller. Bert must have sunflower seeds.
That’s it. I’m fining myself $200 for Rolling on the floor and laughing out loud. Fucking assigning him to the petting zoo. Probably not constitutional before this administration was loosed on our Republic, but now, it seems like the best suggestion I’ve heard. The heavy petting zoo yet.
Good lets vote. Guilty!
How many times have you voted, Salunga?!? Dammit. Amnesty International is never going to buy this conviction now.
We’ll get Carter to back us.
— Mark Twain
That is why Mark Twain is America’s best dead author. He/you sum up the essence of this whole faux-justice system. I’m weeping. Well. I’m smirking, anyway.
Your honor, I find myself in irrevocable contempt of my own client. I’m afraid I must withdraw.
Request granted. You did your best. But fuck. It was the chimp. Accused of intelligence less than that of a cement lawn goat. What are you going to do? If you get him the petting zoo as opposed to something much worse, you’ve done an admirable job. I can’t find you in contempt though. Just go. And slap him on the way out, being close to him as you are.
Thank you, your honor. Now I have to go do something less messy, like scoop out the litter box.
That was beautiful BostonJoe. Always with the insight, the even handed justice. I’m impressed sir. A fine trial!
I missed this until after the trial, but surely the goat would have been asked under cross-examination if he had any problems with choking on said pretzel, huh? Could have changed the whole trial. Hindsight. Makes wars look stupid.
Is it over? Guilty!
Guitly! Guilty! Guilty!
Now where’s Limelite in his Filch getup…
This record has become horribly convoluted. Not unlike the record of our times. I’m calling it a trial. Unless you all have parting comments. Go ahead and vote. It was the best due process we could afford the Batshit Loopy bastard. And tomorrow, I have no doubt, this trial will be held up as a shining example of the American justice system.
Frog march him to the holding cell, while we await the jury’s decision.
<Gavel banging. Reporters running for phones>.
that there weren’t any terrah alerts to disrupt the proceedings.
Luckily we weren’t in a hurricane zone either.
I bet there will be tomorrow morning. To keep this trial from seeing the light of day in the MSM. Thanks Janet. Very fun. Performance art. Who would of thought it could be that fun. 🙂
Performance Art – and we didn’t even have to take off our clothes!
Or suck up to some bastard ass director.
Or give a garment mistress a really nice gift so that our props and costume aren’t somehow misplaced during the third act when we have a 10 second change.
We are all winners here today. The defendant will be unable to harm himself or others (except aesthetically, but under the circumstances that can’t be helped), the defense team has succeeded in protecting their client from having to put caps on toothpaste tubes under the supervision of Nurse Ratchet, that sector of society who share the defendant’s affliction will be afforded the relatively safe outlet of petting him on the head in a structured and calm setting, and perhaps most important of all, the dignity and value of the goat community has been upheld and celebrated, not to mention that Your Honor has become the beneficiary of an unorthodox, but undeniably original judicial fashion intervention. Do think about those sequins.
The sequins actually accent my exceedingly thick calves. I mean calfs. I’m not sure what I mean.
I didn’t think anyone could sum up this abomination of a trial with any dignity, but I think you did it. Thank you Mr. Prosecutor. And the children who will pet the President thank you.
Thanks too, to the defense team. Truly admirable joint effort. As a former defense attorney, I know you will be scarred by this experience — defending the defenseless. Just be happy you didn’t walk him out the door with you. Because those are the kind of things that would drive you to be a novelist.
That’s one small loss for a lawyer, one giant leap for mankind.
Damn, I already voted.
🙂
but you have let your courtroom become a leetle unruly. Maybe you should rethink your career choice. What good is being a judge going to do you? You’ll never get to the Supreme Court this way. Can’t you find a politician to suck up to?
This incident may have done unprecedented damage to my career. I can’t disagree. It is the beauty of a crazy world though. Chaos, really. Would you mind turning off the lights, when you’re done. 🙂
I have just joined the investigation of this man we call dubya. I think we really need to start to see him as a man that has missed out on some development in his pschyic and that he did not ever fullfill any commitment he ever was in charge of. My example here is of two instances that will get this ball to rollin. 1) he never served his full commitment to the TANG and 2) his business’ never fully got off the ground and always failed to do what they were to do hensforth having to have his father to bail him out on both cases. Henseforth they did things in the SEC that were not quite legal.
I say we start there to get a full picture of this man and how he grew up and then we might be able to understand his so called adulthood.