HEY! GREAT NEWS! Monday, presidential spokescreature Tony Snow and presidential counselor (is that like Dr. Malfi?) Dan Bartlett announced that the Bush administration has officially changed its stance on Iraq! We will no longer be “staying the course.”
The White House will instead be substituting another slogan that can better “capture the dynamism” of the disastrous maelstrom that Dubya not only single-handedly (and illegally) unleashed, but has subsequently made far worse at every possible term. Yeah, “stay the course” scarcely describes the dynamism of that.
So the course has been unstayed. This is good. After Dubya’s response during Katrina, when he remained on vacation for five days walking the links, strumming guitars, and sucking ice cream in the company of a band of happy children, I always thought a slogan glossing over the deaths of a lot of brown people that evoked Bush and golf was fairly inappropriate.
The White House has also recently quietly discarded “when the Iraqis stand up, we’ll stand down,” presumably because what with all the violence (including all the amputations), so few people in Iraq are left standing. So, what’s next? The search for a new slogan, preferably to be unveiled just before Election Day, is an urgent matter of national security. Presumably at this very moment a top-secret blue ribbon commission is empanelled in some secret bunker in the Virginia countryside, trying to come up with the perfect phrase that captures the dynamism of Bush’s military strategy [sic] in Iraq. Time is of the essence.
I’m here to help.
Because, let’s face it, the president’s closest and most trusted advisors don’t get out much. So they might well not be thinking beyond the usual apologetics that have characterized the Bush White House’s efforts to redefine reality in Iraq over the last four years. They need to be more imaginative. Bolder. Creative. More truthiness.
Try these dozen suggestions on for size:
“When Iraqis Get Shot, We’ll Shoot Up.” All that heroin being produced from Afghanistan’s record poppy crop is already headed for our shores, a triumph of the Global War on Terror that really deserves more publicity. The CIA is green with envy, or hard currency, or something.
“Cunning and Rutting.” Captures the cleverness of our military approach, plus the sexual innuendos essential to all good marketing.
”Bombing Them Back to the Stone Age.” Proven Islamo-effective: it worked on Musharraf!
“Hastening Armageddon.” Helps recapture that all-important evangelical Christian base, just in time for the midterms. Jusr think: when the rapture comes, they’ll no longer be able to vote…
“Flambeing the Course.” Alcohol and white phosphorus: what occupying army needs more?
“Let Them All Kill Each Other Off.” Appeals to knee-jerk hatred of Muslims, plus suggests that we could get all the oil after all once they’re done. Bonus: it’s fairly close to current policy.
“Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage.” It didn’t make any sense in 2004, either, and it’s proven effective.
“It’s Clinton’s Fault!” Ditto.
“Saddam: Now More Than Ever!” Why install a murderous new dictator when you already have one available and in custody?
“We’re Giving 110 Percent.” Hey, it works for sports coaches when their teams are losing.
“An Army of One.” Already being used by the Pentagon, plus it describes Donald Rumsfeld’s ideal approach to securing Iraq.
“What the Fuck?” Already being used by the vast majority of Americans.
There’s many other possibilities for a new slogan for the Bush approach to Iraq, of course. It’s a fair bet that hundreds of proto-phrases are being run past focus groups right now. And this search captures perfectly the mindset of the Bush White House. What’s actually happening out in the real world is inconsequential. All their best minds are far more concerned about how it’s perceived by American audiences. Especially in swing states.
But, ya know what? I’ve got an even better idea.
Why not change the policy instead?
I’m just sayin’.
