In thinking about Duncan’s top ten biggest wankers in American media since he started his shitty blog ten years ago, I had to discover what distinguishes a wanker from a simply malevolent paid asshole. For example, did Robert Novak truly wank?
I think a key component of wanking is that you pretend to be offering good-faith advice. I think that rules people like Glenn Beck, Pat Buchanan, and Robert Novak out. And it rules people like Richard Cohen, David Broder, Tom Friedman, and Peggy Noonan most definitely in.
But it doesn’t have to be advice. Shameless sucking up to authority also qualifies, which is why Chris Matthews is one of the biggest wankers in the history of punditry.
Another category could be reserved for Maureen Dowd. Treating serious political and policy matters as a sideshow is a form of x-treme wanking. As is an art-form perfected by David Brooks, which involves shaping every argument to fit your preconceived idealized never-gonna-happen utopian ideals.
It’s a slippery thing, trying to define what it is to wank.
Who were the biggest wankers of the last ten years? Here’s my shot at it.
1. David Broder- he wins for defining the genre, and for getting a lifetime achievement award.
2. (shared) Chris Matthews and Peggy Noonan- won on Hardball the day Bush landed on the aircraft carrier to announce “Mission Accomplished.” Noonan admired his codpiece while Matthews announced that everyone kind of liked Bush because he had a sunny nobility.
3. James Carville- for defending Scooter Libby.
4. Tom Friedman- for declaring every six months for five years that we needed to stay in Iraq for another six months. Also, for saying that we needed to go to Iraq, whip out our man-sticks, and tell some Arab men to Suck.on.this.
5. Richard Cohen- for all but about two columns he wrote between 2002 and 2012.
6. Fred Hiatt- for single-handedly ruining the opinion section of the Washington Post.
7. Bill Keller- for destroying the reputation of the New York Times.
8. Joe Klein- for being the most aggressively wrong “liberal” in America for almost the entirety of the Bush administration.
9. Maureen Dowd- for focusing on the wrong thing every day for her entire life.
10. David Brooks- for being David Brooks.
I’m sure your list will be different.
