Ann Coulter’s opening snark:
It’s been a tough year for the secularist crowd. There was Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ,” the moral values election, the Christian hostage subduing her kidnapper by reading from “The Purpose-Driven Life,” and the Christian effort to save Terri Schiavo. Not only that, but earlier this year Dr. James Dobson insulted the Democrats’ mascot, SpongeBob SquarePants, with impunity.
Ann gets down to business:
…I wanted to return to a story from a few weeks ago that passed from the headlines far too quickly.
Nichols’ murderous rampage began when he took the gun from a 5-foot-tall grandmother who was his sole guard at the Fulton County Courthouse. It ended when an otherwise unremarkable 26-year-old woman appealed to the Christian conscience of this same violent killer holding her hostage.
At 2 a.m. one Saturday night, Ashley Smith went out for cigarettes while unpacking her new apartment, yet another victory for tobacco pleasure. Returning from the store, Smith was grabbed by a man at her front door, who put a gun in her side and told her not to scream. He asked if she knew who he was. When he removed his baseball cap, she saw it was Nichols, the dangerous fugitive all over television who had escaped custody during his rape trial and had killed four people in the previous 48 hours…
…In short order, Smith was reading aloud to Nichols from the Christian book “The Purpose-Driven Life” – in direct violation of his constitutional right to never hear any reference to God, in public or private, for any purpose, ever, ever, ever! For more on this right, go to the “People for the American Way” website.
Ann is correct. All liberals want the word ‘God’ to be banned from use in private homes. We just don’t ordinarily admit it. I’m glad Ann has the balls to set the record straight.
After reading the first paragraph of Chapter 33 aloud, about serving God by serving others, Nichols – the man pundits were calling an “animal” – asked her to read it again.
Nichols listened to the passage again and responded by telling Smith he was already dead, saying, “Look at my eyes.” But Smith looked and told him God had a purpose for him, perhaps to minister to other lost souls in prison. Smith read to Nichols some more, both from the “Purpose” book and from another popular book that’s been dropped from all news accounts of this incident: the New Testament. (In the Hollywood version, Smith will be reading from the Quran.)
That’s right. We progressives are adamantly in favor of changing all public references to the New Testament into references to the Quran. Thank you, Ann. You know us so well.
Smith knew all about Nichols’ violent depredations from television. Yet she saw him not as a monster, but as one of God’s creatures. Most Christians – most people – have trouble seeing the humanity of people who take our parking spots. Smith could see God’s hand in a multiple murderer holding her hostage. By showing him genuine Christian love, Smith turned Nichols from a beast to a brother in Christ. This phenomenon, utterly unknown to liberals, is what’s known as a “miracle.” Top that, Paul Krugman!
I think Ann has a point about Paul Krugman. Isn’t Krugman Jewish? I think he might be Jewish! I guess there is no point in trying to turn him from a monster into a brother in Christ. Best to continue reviling him.
Nichols told Smith she was “an angel sent from God,” calling her “his sister” and himself her “brother in Christ.” Nichols said he had come to Smith’s home for a reason, in Smith’s words, that “he was lost and God led him right to me to tell him that he had hurt a lot of people.”
This trampling of our Constitution – I mean this conversation – lasted long into the night. They watched Nichols’ shooting people on television. Nichols said he couldn’t believe he was that man. In the morning, Smith made Nichols eggs and pancakes for breakfast. Then she walked out of the apartment to pick up her daughter and to call 911. The last thing Nichols said as Smith was leaving was to say hello to her daughter for him. When the police arrived, Nichols surrendered without incident, an utterly transformed human being.
I’m sure that’s true. He was a rapist and a murderer, but a few hours with Ms. Smith utterly transformed him. I assume Ann will be at the forefront of people denouncing his execution.
Heaven help the average liberal if this ever happens to him! What would an urban secularist do? Come sit down and let me read to you from Michael Moore’s “Stupid White Men.” Or maybe he could put a SpongeBob video in the VCR. WE ARE FAM-I-LEEEEE! At least before he killed again, the dangerous fugitive would have warm feelings toward homosexuals.
Does anyone understand this reference to homosexuals? I know Ann is a genius, but sometimes she forgets how stupid we liberals are. I can’t figure out how homosexuals figure in to this ‘miracle’ at all.
Right. Now everything is clear to me. I must kill feminists…especially the loony types.