Once again my need to stab the Village in the face is only tempered by the fact I can’t afford the gas to drive to Washington and get within face-stabbing range.

Today’s Village Idiocy involves who the Village thinks would be helpful to run as VP candidates.  The Village is very serious and very helpful, and we should listen to them.

Or not.

For Grandpa Angrypants Sidney McSame, there’s only one Veep candidate on the board that he should take, and of course the suggestion coming from the very serious Stu Rothenberg who’s either slumming or whoring out of Real Clear Politics these days, your call.

Go on, guess.  Most of you called this months ago.

You got it.  Joe Fuckin’ Lieberman.

There is, however, somebody who would fill that bill and therefore be a near-perfect pick for McCain: Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman, 66, served in the Connecticut House (including a stint as Majority Leader) before winning election as state attorney general. In 1988, he won a Senate seat by upsetting incumbent Sen. Lowell Weicker, a very liberal Republican who was both arrogant and aloof.

After easy re-election victories in 1994 and 2000, Lieberman, of course, narrowly lost renomination in 2006, after anti-war groups and angry voters mobilized behind Democratic primary opponent Ned Lamont. But spurning the pleas of his Democratic colleagues, Lieberman ran for another term as an Independent and defeated Lamont by 10 points, with solid support from the state’s GOP voters.

Lieberman’s selection to McCain’s ticket would send a clear message about bipartisanship and about McCain’s desire to change the way things are done. While the Democratic nominee surely will talk about bringing people together and “change,” a truly bipartisan McCain-Lieberman ticket would trump any and all Democratic rhetoric.

That’s a dead giveaway that the idea of Joe Lieberman has moved from “Isn’t that kinda funny” to “That would be interesting, actually” to “We’re serious, this is a great idea!” in GOP circles.

If there’s anyone the press that can match McSame for his press-manufactured “maverick bi-partisan” leadership bullshit, it’s Joe Fuckin’ Lieberman.  (And yes, if the GOP insists on calling him Barack Hussein Obama, I’m going to insist on using the good Connecticut Senator’s given middle name of Fuckin’ whenever possible.)

Seems like a match made in Hell.

The selection of Lieberman would have particular appeal to independent voters, who are likely to be a key swing group later this year.

Second, Lieberman is clearly ready and able to be president, if need be. Even many of his critics acknowledge that he is a man of accomplishment, experience and integrity. Since Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore selected Lieberman for his running mate in 2000, Democrats would have a hard time attacking the Connecticut Senator on anything but his position on Iraq.

That should honestly be enough for 70% of America, you know.

Third, selecting Lieberman would anger both conservatives and Democrats. In other words, it’s a “two-fer” for McCain, who seems to relish those moments when he can stick it to people he doesn’t like. Just think how McCain would chuckle at the thought of annoying both ends of the political spectrum.

But wouldn’t social conservatives, in particular, go bananas, since Lieberman is moderate or liberal on most issues other than Iraq? He supports abortion rights, generally votes with organized labor and is an unapologetic environmentalist. Conservatives would revolt, wouldn’t they?

Probably not. While there would be the usual fist-pounding from some “movement conservatives,” their anger at the selection would quickly dissipate when they saw the fury unleashed by liberals and Democratic bloggers.

It’ll piss off the Dirty Fuckin’ Hippies too.  Only the Village would make this an honest criteria for being VP…he’s younger than the septuagenarian and he annoys bloggers!

When, during the previous cycle’s Senate race, I wrote a column that included some favorable mentions of Lieberman, I was belted by bloggers on the left, all of whom see the Connecticut Senator as a sellout and the chief cheerleader of a war they regard as outrageous. They wouldn’t be able to control their fury, which would both allow McCain to appear reasonable in the face of their anger and make Lieberman more palatable to those on the right.

In addition, McCain strategists could note that Lieberman very publicly criticized Bill Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky as “immoral” and has spoken over the years about the dangers of violence coming from Hollywood, another conservative bogeyman. That too would placate some conservatives.

And Lieberman is an observant Jew, which would resonate with both evangelicals and Jewish voters.

Stu’s not bitter, though.

Seriously, Joe Fuckin’ Lieberman would in fact be perfect for McSame, I agree with him.  He’s Liber-same.  It’s impressive to even imagine the amount of mealy-mouthed douchebaggery that would be laid on by the Village at the mere thought of a McCain-Lieberman ticket.  They would actually have FOX pundits, Tweety, and Timmay engage in group circle-jerks on live television while erotically screaming the word “bipartisan”.

God help us, but one has to stop and respect how brilliant it is in the simplicity and totality of its pure evil.

Meanwhile, on the Democratic side, the Village offers this helpful advice from USA Today’s Dwayne Wickham.

If Democrats are going to win the White House in November, they need a shotgun wedding in June. This is not something that either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton wants to hear, nor is it anything party leaders have been willing to say — at least not publicly. But without both Clinton and Obama on the same ticket, Democrats stand a good chance of suffering a humiliating defeat in the general election.

While much of the focus has been on the new voters who have been drawn into the primaries, the historic competition between Obama, a black man, and Clinton, a white woman, has transformed the Democrats in another way. It has opened a chasm between blacks and white women — the party’s two most loyal constituencies.

The Dream Ticket versus McSame-Lyingman!  Secure all the loofahs in the same Zip code as FOX News HQ!  Alert Tweety’s hair stylist!  Close all shops in the mall!  Cancel the three-ring circus!

White women have voted largely for Clinton, and blacks have cast their ballots overwhelmingly for Obama — a split that might not easily be healed after Democrats settle on a nominee. If Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean gets his way, that choice will be made sometime after the party’s final primaries in Montana and South Dakota.

“Well, I’m hoping it’ll be over by the end of the month of June,” Dean said Sunday on Meet The Press. Whenever that happens, Dean expects the loser to rally his or her supporters behind the nominee.

That won’t be easy.

The contest between Clinton and Obama isn’t ideological; it’s not a tug of war between different wings of the party, or a skirmish that pits insurgent Democrats against old-line Democrats. This goes deeper than that. It’s about entitlement.

Yeah, there’s some prime village bullshit.  It’s not about Hillary’s stance on the war or anything.  It’s not even about “electability.”  No no, it’s all about white women want Hillary and Black folk want Obama.  That’s all the Democrats are about, entitlement.  These poor deluded souls (i.e. those who aren’t white males, I guess) are broken and only the Village can save the Democrats.  Make a dream ticket now!

Many blacks believe it’s time that one of their own be the party’s choice for president. And a lot of white women think the time has come for one of them to be the Democratic Party’s presidential nominee.

There’s no historical parallel to the situation Democrats find themselves in. Their fractious primary battles in 1968 or 1980 cut across virtually every Democratic Party voting bloc. The core divide between Clinton and Obama is more sharply drawn and entrenched.

Last week in Pennsylvania, where Clinton soundly beat Obama, 90% of blacks voted for Obama and nearly 70% of white women supported Clinton, according to a CNN exit poll. Even more troubling, 19% of the state’s Democratic voters said race was an important factor in how they voted.

Last month, 19% of voters in Texas and 20% in Ohio made the same admission. In both states, Clinton took a big share of the white vote and Obama got an even larger chunk of the black vote.

And in both states, a sizeable majority of white women voted for Clinton.

Soundly defeated I tell you!  Only…there’s one slight problem with the plan.

Who’s on top of the ticket?  Dwayne won’t say.  If we’ve established that Democrats are all about entitlement (unlike wealthy GOP voters) then the choice of who would be on top of the ticket would be as contentious as the primary itself, yes?

But of course that’s for somebody else to figure out.  Note how leaving that open, well…leaves it open for Hillary to be the legitimate nominee as long as Barack’s got her back, right?

I knew you were paying attention.

“Dream Ticket” is Village-speak for “Clinton-Obama”, just like “The Maverick McCain Experience Featuring Joe Fuckin’ Lieberman” is Village-speak for “A couple of war-mongering assclowns who will bomb Iran as soon as humanly possible.”

If you don’t think the Village fix is in for wrecking the Dems, putting McCain-Lieberman in the White House, and bombing the shit out of Iran while fucking the country out of everything we have left of our international dignity as a democracy and as a free people, this ought to put that little doubt to rest.

Obama’s not perfect, god he has problems, but he’s the only thing we’ve got that can stop the GOP from hijacking the election in 2008 and putting us right back on the express train to hell on earth and unending war.

But you’d better believe that the Village will do everything in its power to split the Dems and put those GOP assholes in power again.

They are the enemy.  It’s time we started treating them like it.

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