What, you think he’d be a Republican if he returned?
Right.
I know the “Left Behind” folks think Jesus will be kicking liberal ass and smiting pagans left and right, but I disagree. Think about it. The Son Of God would definately be a Liberal Democrat. Jesus would totally be for pulling out of Iraq, and his name recognition alone would get him the nomination. His support for new social programs and his rejection of the hypocritical “faith-based” efforts would make him a strong Democratic candidate. Just think what “pressing the flesh” might mean at a real Jesus rally? How could the Republicans compete with real miracles?
Well, they’d have to run the Anti-Christ, of course.
Ann Coulter would be hawking “Crucified: How Jesus Is Attacking Christianity”, followed by “The Anti-Christ: He’s Only Anti-Liberal.”
The Swift Boat folks would be busy with detailed drawings proving that those wounds weren’t really that bad, and may not be real at all. They’ll be checking the kerning and typography of the New Testament for evidence of fakery. At the Republican convention attendees would be wearing Band-Aids on their palms.
Rumors of Christ’s sexuality, currently in play with The Da Vinci Code , would run further into what Ken says he’s not: “Anyone that nice and supportive of doing the same as you would have done unto you has to be a homasexual”, Mehlman would say.
WorldNetDaily would run a widely-circulated series entitled: “The Anti-Christ: All That Bad, Or Maybe Better Than You Think?”
Fox News would compose creepy music, pictures of Jesus throwing the money-changers out of the temple, and captions like: “Would Jesus Christ Be A Blessing For American Business, Or A Curse?”
Then a videotape would turn up showing Jesus in a cave with Osama. Audiotapes of Jesus praising Mohammed would be found in a D.C. park.
Slowly but surely, public opinion would begin to shift. Preachers would question Jesus’ qualifications from the pulpit. Rush would question his patriotism. Freepers would shriek. Red-Staters would gnash their teeth and write even more incomprehensibly than they do now, which is hard to imagine, I know. Push polls would show the Anti-Christ gaining. Leaked documents from the Dead Sea scrolls would be found, including Jesus in various pagan ceremonies, some with only young boys in attendance.
But seriously, folks.
My point here is devilishly simple.
It just doesn’t matter who wins the mid-terms. Bush will ignore a Democratically-controlled Congress even more cynically than he does a Republican one.
Soon we will see even more of the hit pieces on various Congressional races, and by the end of summer the polls will begin to narrow. Millions of trees will die to help the newpapers slime the Democratic leadership and any candidate they run with a chance to win. Trillions of packets of non-net-neutral Democrat-hating data will fly across the Wingnutosphere, no matter how good their ideas are. Cable news shows will drag hundreds of Republican operatives and Republican candidates into the studio for every Democratic one, and only the weakest.
Then we’ll have some kind of terrorist event, after which Bush will nuke Iran, or he will nuke Iran just for grins, or the fake Osama will show up again on video, right on time.
Then, even if Democrats were slightly ahead in the polls, come election day all the voting machines will malfunction and lots of folks who might vote Democrat will find it impossible to vote. Exit polls will be so far off the mark cable news will reject them in favor of Diebold predictions, because they will be so accurate.
Am I cynical? Fuck yeah.
Am I making an accurate estimation of what will happen in November, even if it looks good now?
Hell, yeah.
I hope I’m wrong, but just in case I’m not…
Praith Jethuth.
