WASHINGTON – In a bold move today, several house Republicans introduced a bill to privatize the government of the United States.
In keeping with the small government, pro-business party platform, the bill outlines the last steps needed to sub-contract the few remaining functions of government to the private sector.
Said one of the sponsors of the bill, “We’re already being paid by corporations, why not make it official? It’s not fair to make the taxpayers subsidize Congress.”
An ad-hoc committee was formed to study the effects of the hand over. Shockingly, it was discovered that very few changes will have to be made.
Said the committee chairman, “We found that the new law will have virtually no effect. Everything’s pretty much already run by private business. Making it official is really just a matter of bookkeeping.”
Some House Democrats are uneasy about the proposed change. Said one anonymous Democrat, “I don’t know about this, but for the good of the nation, I’m keeping an open mind.
“In the spirit of bi-partisanship, we’re assuming the Republicans are acting in good faith. We’re not planning on blocking the legislation. Ultimately the American people will decide.”
To this goal, the President, or United States CEO as he will be known, and key figures in the administration are holding a series of town hall events. They are highlighting the fiscal advantages of the merger.
“Right now, our military is sub-contracting to Halliburton. We have to pay our soldiers and their soldiers. Then we have to pay them for billing us and doing our work, understand? It’s wasteful.” said the President in a recent address.
“It makes more sense to cut out the middle-man and make Halliburton responsible for the whole thing. Why should the taxpayers of this country have the added expense of paying for our government bureaucracy?”
It is expected that this legislation will save the taxpayers millions of dollars in lobbyist salaries alone. Plans are already in the works to rename the Capitol building the Capitol One building for a naming-rights fee said to be upwards of $50 million per annum.
Other expected changes include the Arthur Anderson IRS, the Monsanto Department of Agriculture, Exxon Mobil Power and Energy, and the Senate Chamber of Commerce.
The idea of splitting the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare into three separate entities has emerged since a bidding war erupted between Glaxo-Smith-Klien, The Heritage Foundation, and Wal Mart.
While not actually wanting to be associated with welfare, Wal Mart concedes that they also do have an obligation to their employees and customers and is considering a name change to the Department of Wal-fare.
(cross-posted from Unbossed)
