It’s my birthday. I’m 46. I’m hosting the first birthday party I’ve held in many years on Saturday because I realized a few weeks ago that I don’t care how old I am anymore. I’ve got lots of grey hair these days. I live in sweats and blue jeans. I don’t care if I no longer turn heads. I don’t count my wrinkles. I go out to the store looking like hell when I’m sick. I don’t care. I’m sick! Slapping on makeup is just a waste of time. I’m supposed to care what other people think? Not anymore.
You’re invited to my party, by the way. If you can make it up to Calgary, Alberta by then, just bring your own bbq treat (my daughter likes buffalo burgers – ewww) or you can enjoy some barbequed beef burgers that I’ll be chefing up along with all of the usual extras: salad, corn on the cob, taters, garlic bread and whatever else I get around to pulling together between now and then. You can meet my family, my menagerie of odd roommates and my crazy landlord and his equally crazy girlfriend. It should be quite the time.
I did a bit of an inventory of my life last nite as I recalled the many, many storms I’ve weathered – not the types of storms brought on by Mother Nature – but the type that all of us deal with year in and year out. I was going to share a list of those events with you today, but it was so overwhelming that I came to the conclusion that the best way to sum it all up was to tell you that most of my years have ended with this thought: I can’t believe I made it through that one.
It hasn’t been an easy life. That’s why I never really celebrated my birthday. I often cursed the day I was born instead. I’ve become hardened, but as I thought about that fact last nite, I realized that I’ve become softened as well and I think I’ve reached the balance of those two results that allows me to look outside of myself and truly feel for others. You’ve all seen both sides of me and I hope that they mesh in a way that shows my true heart. I hope – because that’s the kind of person I want to be – someone who cares deeply and will fight tooth and nail for justice, human rights, public consciousness and compassion. I’m passionate because I know how hard life can be. As I look for joy in my life, I desperately want others to find it in theirs as well.
This is my family:
Left to right: my daughter’s fiance, my daughter (who is expecting a new grandherb in January!), me and my grandherb (the artist)
And, with many reservations because I hate pics of myself, here’s a pic of me and my beautiful grandherb:
That’s it. I did it. I posted my pic. Phew.
Those are the people I love the most in life. Those are the people who keep me going when I think I can’t go on. Those are the people I have the most fun with. Those are the people my heart aches for in my rare, lonely moments. Those are the people I want to see most on Saturday because I don’t see them often enough. Those are the people with the greatest hugs. They’re my life.
So – it’s my birthday. I’ve asked people to donate to the hurricane victims instead of giving me presents. I really don’t need anything. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a bed to sleep on and books to read. I have my cats. I have a life. I have much more than thousands, millions do right now. I have the ability to actually have a birthday party and to share that with the people I love. What more could I possibly need?
My daughter called as I was writing this to wish me a happy birthday. She’s bringing me a cake on Saturday. I can’t refuse that, can I?? She told me she’d be donating to Doctors Without Borders, which I had originally asked her to do before the hurricane hit. I told her to hang on because I’d have to think about that. The Red Cross and other relief organizations are receiving record donations right now. Perhaps others, like Doctors Without Borders, will need those funds even more now. I think I’ll tell her to go ahead and send them what she can.
We had a good talk about her pregnancy. She’s 5 months along and when she told the 10 yr old grandherb the other day that she feels huge already, the grandherb replied, “have you looked in the mirror lately? You are huge!” That’s my girl. She doesn’t pull punches!
We also collectively vented about the hurricane catastrophe. She doesn’t read what I write on the blogs unless I send something to her (she’s extremely busy, so I don’t mind), but she echoed almost everything I’ve written. She used to be a Conservative supporter. I can’t tell you how happy I use when she finally woke up and saw the light a few years ago.
Anyway, I’ve written far more than I intended to today. (What else is new?) Thanks for reading, as always, and I’l see you at the party.
