Washington, DC (APE) – A second rare two-headed turtle was found far north of Havana Cuba in the United States crawling along the banks of the Potomac River. The finding immediately fueled opinions over the intelligent design, versus evolution debate. Pictured at right is the original turtle found by a policeman in Havana, Cuba. The second turtle was found crawling around and hiding in the mud and slime along the Potomac by an amateur herpetologist, Pat Fitzgerald. The second finding has led to speculation that this may be an entirely heretofore unknown species. 
The Potomac River two-headed turtle
Mr. Fitzgerald immediately turned over the find to the National Zoo staff. “I was just walking along and I happened to see the little guy out of the corner of my eye as he was trying to dart for cover into the mud,” said Mr. Fitzgerald. “The little thing is kind of pathetic because it tries to pull its heads in its shell when it gets frightened, but they block each other from getting into safety. On the other hand, it really has an overdeveloped ability to urinate copiously to drive predators away… almost like it’s constantly leaking.”
Zoo keepers stated that they would be doing their best to keep the turtle alive, but said that the long term outlook was not good. “When taken out of their native mud and slime, these guys don’t do well in captivity.”
Handlers have also noted unfortunately that this turtle seems to harbor a particularly virulent strain of Salmonella after a number of staff who handled it became violently ill for a few days.
“For now, it appears healthy”, they continued, “The two heads seem to acknowledge each other, but maintain independent personalities. At this point in time, one head appears to be male, while the other is best described as ‘ambiguous’. It’s just amazing that this thing has survived to this point, given that it is without its traditional defenses. It has become incredibly adept in hiding amongst the slime along the Potomac.”
An immediate debate sprung up between intelligent design advocates and evolutionists. I.D. advocates stated that this was an obvious immediate response to human prayer and suggestions that “two heads are better than one”. They are pushing for the establishment of a new species based upon the two finds, and declaration of a miracle from the Pope.
Evolutionists countered that both finds prove their theory of adaptation and mutation over time. They claim that both specimens are statistical freaks of nature, and that particularly the Potomac turtle are genetic dead ends.
Mr. Fitzgerald, who will get to name the species if others are indeed found, has opted for the name Libbrovius Plameri.
09/29/05 Bush Makes Surprise Justice Appointment
Washington, DC (APE) – In a stunning move today, President Bush in a “snap appointment” and swearing in ceremony bypassed congressional authorities and filled the justice position formerly held by Sandra Day O’Connor. The position was filled by the President’s Scottie Dog, Barney.
White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, “We realize that this is probably a very controversial move, but the President is anxious for the Supreme Court to get on with its business as soon as possible.”
Barney, assisted by the President and First Lady during his swearing in ceremony
President Bush stated after the swearing in ceremony, “Barney is just the best fit for this important job. I’m sure America will come to love and appreciate his counsel as much as I have. I realize that many Americans might be a little angry that I didn’t follow through with appointing a woman… well… Barney has been neutered, so I think that makes him pretty close.”
The President continued, “Probably a lot of folks are going to criticize him for a lack of experience, but I can vouch for the fact that Barney has trained extensively, and very early, on various legal papers. Also, Judge Roberts has expressed his confidence in Barney and has agreed to offer himself as a mentor.”
Spokesperson Trent Duffy stated later, “The whole congressional hearing was sort of rendered moot, by the fact that Barney is just capable of answering yes or no to questions.
This very decisiveness, however, is just what the President has in mind for the Supreme Court of the future; a yes or no, up or down vote on tough issues. The court of the future will be inclusive of all species.”
Responding to further claims of cronyism, Mr. Duffy stated, “This is a cultural thing, and kind of ridiculous to comment about. It’s very common for folks from Texas to have and keep two or three lapdogs.”
Today’s Topical Limericks
The Austrians at first seemed so jerky,
And the EU appeared a bit murky.
A minor objection,
Or major defection?
For now, they’ll all sit down and talk Turkey…
Conservatives are screaming baloney,
Can you believe they’re calling Bush phony?!?
The right wing critics it seems,
Consider Miers a blaspheme,
Guess Dub is short on quality cronies…
Stating progress in Iraq is superb,
Cheney sounds more than a little disturbed,
From “liberator greeter”,
To “WMD repeater”,
The Veep’s command of the truth’s just absurd…
FBI’s 9/11 epilogoue:
For many crimes, they’ve no time, they’re backlogged.
Organized crime gets a slide,
And health care fraud a free ride,
Bush cronies profit from terror bird-dogged…
Treasury just now blocks their finances?!?
For four years there’ ve been strange circumstances!
So how much more has been missed,
Than Egyptians on a list,
`Cause of silly UN reform stances…
Kurd/Shiia constitutional steering,
Left Sunnis naught to do except jeering,
They’ve learned well from their captors,
Read Republican chapters,
On merits of stealth electioneering…
Nick cage is a new father and that’s swell,
But I’m sorry, gotta say, “What the hell?!?”
Guess he thought it was super,
Man his wife is a trooper;
But a dumbbell names his new son Kal-El…
Hollywood never shows consequences :
This study of blockbusters incenses.
They analyzed sex and drugs,
While just ignoring the thugs.
On violence there are no pretenses…
If the jersey that you bought doesn’t fit,
Safe to say that OJ won’t need a writ!
In LA, his intentions;
Just a horror convention,
He only left `cause his pen musta’ quit…
Money laundering! Delay’s foes just delight,
In the latest of his criminal plights.
You know that old Tom sure would,
At money laundering be good,
He always separates coloreds and whites…
