Cross-posted at Washblog.
When I heard the news that Paul Berendt was resigning his post as State Party Chair after 11 years, I was very drunk and standing on a bridge over the Strip in Las Vegas. Naturally, my thoughts turned less to my future in the party, and more towards finding a place to sit down. I am now partly sober, and have had time to consider what all this means to me. I was not considering running for State Party Chair, but after reading this diary at Kos which contains two comments urging me to run, and receiving a third query about my future from N in Seattle, I did some basic math. As we’ve learned from Family Guy, one comment equals one billion people. So I realized that 3 billion people want me to run for State Party Chair for the Washington State Democrats. Today, I proudly announce the candidacy of switzerblog for State Party Chair – the people’s voice cannot be ignored!
I know that when I am State Party Chair, I will work for YOU. And that will be a lot of hard work, because I don’t like most of you, but I pledge to you today that I will try my hardest, every single day, to be friendly and not act repulsed when I meet you on the street or in my office. Because the Party runs because of you and all your hard work. Without the hard work and dedication of people who don’t know any better than to make phone calls to complete strangers and walk around in the rain knocking on people’s doors for candidates, this Party would go absolutely nowhere. Because I sure won’t do any of that stuff! No, what I will do is fight for YOU, the everyday working man (or woman) Democrat.
Before I get into my platform, let me tell you a few things about myself. I am a heterosexual person, although I find Jake Gyllenhall entrancingly handsome and L.L. Cool J simply dreamy. I feel what I feel. Next, you should know that switzerblog is not the name I was born with. My name was franceblog, but when I joined my partner germanyblog, I agreed to take a neutral name. Some of you in Eastern Washington may not approve of my lifestyle, but I feel strongly that the Democratic party should be inclusive. I am a D-List celebrity at Daily Kos, which means that when I write a diary, as many as seven people may read it at any given time. Some say I’m an idiot, but that’s because they’re jealous of my upper body musculature.
- I will use the internet to raise $1 trillion ($1,000,000,000,000) to wage campaigns in every precinct in our state. This works out to $500,000,000 for every precinct. This will be almost enough to match the money corporate interests will pour into their local campaigns through developers, illegally undisclosed contributions to the Chamber of Commerce, crappy campaign sponsoring radio from KVI and KTTH, and amazingly poorly researched blog entries at Sound Politics.
- I will adopt a technology platform exceeding anything seen in politics to date. The voterfile will be entirely open-source and available to every PCO. All party business will be conducted via blog, with open comments for input and platform development. LaRouchies and Republicans leaving troll comments will be hit with a massive electrical charge, destroying their computers.
- I will personally arm-wrestle State Republican Party Chair Chris Vance for Party supremacy. If necessary, I will join him in a duel. I will also mount a death-ray laser on top of our downtown Seattle offices, and fry any Republican filing voter registration challenges.
- I will travel to Washington, DC quarterly. There, I will give a hug and wet kiss to Howard Dean once every quarter. I will also sneak into the White House and kick George Bush in the nards. Boy, will he get tired of that game!
- I will kick Maria Cantwell repeatedly in the shins until she promises to apologize for voting for the Patriot Act and the Iraq War resolution. Or at least admits that she wishes she hadn’t. I will also kick Adam Smith in the nards, but will provide him with ice and a hug afterwards, beacuse he’s been coming around.
- Every time someone is found not filing PDC reports on time or embezzling money, I will call a press conference. At that press conference, I will punch the guilty party in the face repeatedly on live television to send a message that Democrats will not tolerate unethical behavior. Enough is enough!
- I will adopt Flying Spaghetti Monsterism as the official faith of the Democratic Party. Because beer fountains and stripper factories – well, that’s what democracy is all about.
I need your help. This is YOUR campaign. There are several strong, worthy candidates seeking this position, and the other three guys, too. It will not be easy, but I know with your support, and your many generous contributions, the era of old-style politics will end and the era of blog-run Party structures can begin. Join me in my fight for Democratic principles today! I need your endorsements, your support, and your evangelism – go tell your friends that the day of switzerblog has come!
Please, leave your ideas, endorsements, and the things you want me to believe in the comments below. I humbly ask for your vote, and thank you for your support. May his noodly appendage be upon America.