Tallahassee, FL (Rotters) – With her campaign for the seat of Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson seemingly in tatters, and a recent scathing comparison to the Energizer Bunny on the progressive blog Daily Kos, Representative Katherine Harris of Florida announced that she would not be throwing in the towel, unless it was a fresh, hot one. Harris today stated that she would instead be embracing the slings and arrows lobbed at her from what she described as the “Fringe Left” with a campaign borrowing from the ever popular Eveready mascot.
“She is energetic,” stated Harris’ lone remaining campaign worker/spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous, “You have to give her that.”
Harris pledged to dip into her personal coffers last month and come up with $10 million of her own money to continue footing the bills, against the recommendations of Advisers. “We are a stronger campaign today than we were yesterday”, Harris stated yesterday in a news release, possibly referring to the fact that she would no longer be paying salaries to a campaign staff. Harris could not be reached for comment as to the strength of her campaign today, but her lone staffer stated, “We’ll keep going, and going, and going…”
Harris has largely been abandoned by GOP leadership, and critics maintain that the likely cause is due to recent allegations of bribery, which Harris steadfastly denies. “We’ve done everything we can to try to reign her in,” said an anonymous RNC spokesperson, “But she keeps whoring, and whoring, and whoring…”
Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald Taken into Custody for “Exceeding Authority”
Washington, DC (APE) – In a stunning development today, federal authorities arrested special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald in conjunction with his ongoing investigation of the leaking of Valerie Plame’s identity as an undercover CIA agent. Lawyers for I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, the only individual thus far charged in the ongoing investigation had filed a 24 page brief with the courts on Friday which claimed that the Special counsel had exceeded his authority. Early Monday morning, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales met with Federal Marshals who in turn took Mr. Fitzgerald into custody without incident.
A spokesperson for the Justice Department stated that the Defense team’s charges had merit, and that they acted accordingly.
Officials are reportedly weighing the possibility of charging Fitzgerald with “terrorism” and having him detained indefinitely as an enemy combatant.
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated: “This type of behavior is exactly what former Justice O’Connor was hinting at early last month when she claimed that our very democracy was in danger. This is a very dangerous and deluded man, and this administration is proud to say that his reign of terror is at an end.”
