Representative Mark Foley’s arrest photo supplied by anonymous Palm Beach, FL authorities

Palm Beach, FL (Rotters) – Florida Congressional Representative Mark Foley was arrested by federal authorities upon his return to his home district in Palm Beach Florida, late last night. He has been charged as a sexual predator for inappropriate e-mail messages sent to a 16-year-old male congressional page. Foley has reportedly been cooperating with authorities but has angrily denied the charges stating, “I did not have virtual sex with that young man.”

The initial story of the sexualized e-mails was broken by ABC news late last night in conjunction with the weekend end of cycle bad news dump, but the story shows no evidence of disappearing over the weekend.

congressional disciplinary committees in place to deal with such matters. Both today adamantly denied any interventions upon Foley’s behalf and lauded the representative from Florida for his action in resigning his position yesterday. “The fact that my formerly esteemed colleague has been called to the carpet is further evidence of the effectiveness and necessity of the warrantless wiretapping bill for the security of America that we will be handing to the president, next week,” stated Hastert.

Hastert and Boehner present Foley with a congressional award sponsored by “My Space.Com” for his work on a congressional page mentorship program earlier this year.

Hastert and Boehner praised Foley for his years of service, and his work at promoting legislation against child predators, but stopped short of defending his behavior with the 16-year-old page. Both professed ignorance to Foley’s activities, earlier in the year as they had presented them with an award for his efforts in a mentorship program for congressional pages.

In a related story, conservative bloggers have uncovered and published the name and address of the congressional page in question in an effort to force him to come forwards and confess his degree of complicity in what they describe as the online seduction of representative Foley.


Cheney Wrests Control from Bush in Bloodless Coup over Concerns of Rampant Defeatism

President bush escorted from undisclosed location

Washington, DC (APE) – The United States of America early this morning, became the second democracy to fall victim to a bloodless coup in the past month, following closely in the footsteps of the military coup in Thailand. Details are sketchy at present, but at apparently 6 a.m. this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney wrested control of the presidency from the 43rd President George W. Bush.

Tank moved into place overnight at the White House

White House spokespersons urged the American public to remain calm during a time of necessary transition. They stated that President Cheney would likely be making a statement to the public later in the morning after necessary security measures had been taken. Tanks were seen patrolling barricaded streets in downtown Washington, and had assumed defensive positions around the White House itself.

Cheney introducing Libby as the new temporary Vice President

Cheney spoke briefly to a handful of selected Fox News reporters and photographers from an undisclosed location. He announced that his personal assistant, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, would be assuming temporarily the position of Vice President.

Cheney urging patience for the transitional government, and encouraged soldiers to greet the public with a sneer

“Sadly, the rumors of the president’s growing mental instability are true,” stated Cheney. “There has been a progressive decline in function, but he has noticeably deteriorated over the past week, as evidenced by his release of a highly classified national intelligence estimate to the public yesterday. In my capacity as vice president, I found it necessary to act aggressively at that point in the best interests of the security of America. I take no pleasure in assuming the mantle of the leader of the free world, but it is my sworn duty.”

Cheney described the damage done by the recent leaks of the NIE as “incalculable” in the ongoing war on terror, and vowed that everyone involved would be “hunted down and punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

Bush shouted repeatedly, “This is just wrong!”

President Bush was seen in handcuffs and shackles, leaving a side exit to the undisclosed location. “I am the president, and this is just wrong,” he shouted, interspersed with fits of profanity. Bush was rapidly placed in the presidential limousine, and the heavily escorted motorcade sped away. White House sources refuse to comment on the disposition of Mr. Bush.

Cheney went on to state that both houses of Congress would likely be dissolved over the next few days in light of its failure to expedite needed measures in the ongoing war against terror. He promised free elections in the newly reformed government as soon as humanly possible when terrorist threats to America throughout the world had been completely dealt with. “This cancer of defeatism will be surgically removed from around the heart of America,” stated Cheney.

“To Mr. Ahmadinejad and Mr. Jong Il,” stated Cheney, “consider yourselves on immediate notice. You have exactly one week to cease-and-desist with all activities which we have deemed a threat to the United States, or face nuclear consequences.”

Bush being escorted to a waiting limousine

The whereabouts of administration officials who had been close to the president was not immediately known. Rumors indicated that presidential assistant Karl Rove and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice were still at large and in hiding. Donald Rumsfeld apparently remained in charge at the Pentagon.


Allen Campaign Pushes Back Aggressively against Racism Charges

Virginia Senator George Allen speaking in a casual moment with Rotters reporters

Washington, DC (Rotters) – In what appears to be a dramatic reversal in strategy from the George Allen Senatorial reelection campaign, Senator Allen, this morning stepped forwards and admitted that he had indeed used the “n-word” in the past, and with some frequency in the present times. He insisted that charges that this has been done in a malicious or racist intent were just “ludicrously false”. He wrote off his previous denials to bad campaign advice, and vowed to set the record straight.

Allen’s reversal comes in the wake of multiple assertions from past friends and acquaintances within the past week, who have come forward to recount their recollections of Allen’s usage of the racial epithet.

Of note, Allen, as well, has recently had to admit and embrace his mother’s Jewish upbringing, of which he insists that he was not aware.

Allen: “I have amassed a huge amount of political bling”

“This really changes nothing,” stated Allen. “If anything, it gives me greater freedom to present the voters my true character and have them decide for themselves. If former President Clinton can admit on national TV that he made a mistake by not killing Osama Bin Laden, then this is a small but significant contribution by comparison to furthering the cause of honesty in politics. To those who have already begun to discount me in this race, I would counter that I have amassed a huge amount of political bling from my constituents in Virginia, and I’m going to cash it in.”


Bin Laden Niece Demands Access to His CIA Pension Plan

Bin Laden niece Wafa Dufor speaking with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and CIA chief Michael Hayden

New York, NY (APE) – CNN news is reporting, in an exclusive interview, that singer-songwriter Wafa Dufor, the niece of Al Qaeda head Osama Bin Laden is demanding that the CIA grant her access to Bin Laden’s retirement and pension plan with the agency as Bin Laden’s survivor. Dufor insisted that the rumors of Bin Laden’s death had been confirmed and that she now wanted to have the CIA honor its commitments to agency family members in regards to pension, retirement, and death benefits.

Dufor produced documents showing that Bin Laden had early on taken advantage of retirement packages offered by the CIA upon his enlistment as a mujahedin in the 1980s in the efforts against the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. Her calculations indicated that Bin Laden had done well with an aggressive portfolio targeted towards early retirement, which had significantly outperformed most investment firms.

CIA chief, Michael Hayden was interviewed, and commented that the agency was performing a full review of Dufor’s claims. He insisted, however that any disbursement would first be weighed against claims resulting from the ongoing war on terror and the original 9/11 World Trade Center attack. He expressed optimism that the magnitude of the accumulated funds involved might be sufficient to satisfy the interests of all parties, including Dufor.

In possibly related news, in a quiet ceremony this morning, another star was carved into the CIA’s wall of secrecy.


Clinton Detained by Fox Security in Wake of Wallace Interview

Former President Clinton handcuffed and taken into custody by Fox Security


New York, NY (Rotters) – Former President Bill Clinton was detained outside of his New York City office after a brief scuffle in which his small Secret Service detail was overwhelmed by a greater number of Fox Network Security personnel. His detention comes a day after his lambasting of Fox news anchor Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday”.

In the interview with Wallace, Clinton aggressively defended his record on terrorism against what he described as a coordinated right-wing conservative attack launched two weeks ago through an ABC fictional movie “The Path to 9/11” which was followed closely and elaborated upon by Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News network.

Fox News adamantly denied the allegations of conspiracy and stated that they were in discussions with Alberto Gonzales and the Department of Justice about how best to proceed with possible charges against the former president. Fox News described the former president’s behavior as “sadly scurrilous, and bordering upon slander”. Fox Security stated that the Justice Department would be investigating the possibility of charging the president with “aiding and comforting the enemy” through his nationally televised tirade, which also called into question the actions of the Bush administration.

“My heart really goes out to Chris,” stated popular Fox Network celebrity Bill O’Reilly. “You really do take a chance when you bring some of these far left nut jobs on to your show. But, Chris is young, and I think he’s probably learned something from all of this. And to the former president Clinton, and I use that term loosely, I say to you sir, “Have you no sense of decency?” Show some respect for the office that you used to hold. A conspiracy? This is America, sir, and let this be a lesson to you and all of your left wing terrorist sympathizer friends that the reputation of Fox News is not one to be trifled with. Olbermann, I hope you’re watching.”

Fox Security refused to disclose the location of Mr. Clinton, stating only that the former president was cooperating at this point, and it was uncertain whether he would be turned over to federal authorities.


Bush Confirms Death of Osama Bin Laden

President Bush, verifying the death of Al Qaeda commander Osama Bin Laden

Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush early this morning confirmed rumors of the death of Osama bin Laden, stating that, reluctantly, Bin Laden had died at the hands of foreign interrogators, not affiliated with the CIA. Bush stated that the CIA had been working fairly closely with the unnamed foreign government agency, but assumed no responsibilities for the treatment of Bin Laden.

Bush displayed pictures of the deceased bin Laden and stated that the body would be released to family members in time for full respect of Muslim burial customs, perhaps seeking to soften an anticipated backlash from Islamic extremists.

Rumors of Bin Laden’s death had been spreading among major news associations today, citing sources from Saudi Arabia and France who had suggested that he had died earlier this month from typhus. The White House stated that it was simply trying to keep the record straight, while critics pointed to the announcement as possibly an effort to rebuke criticism over the administration’s perceived lack of concern over Bin Laden and Al Qaeda prior to this November’s coming election.

Autopsy photos of Bin Laden showing post mortem markings from various “stress postion” interrogation techniques

“While this administration does not condone torture of any type,” stated Bush, “this evil killer seems to have gotten what he deserved… the Lord, or Allah works in mischievous ways. This just further illustrates the need for Congress to whip into shape and pass this administration’s anti-terror legislation. Who knows what kind of useful information we could have gotten from him if his interrogation had been done right.”

Bush brushed off questions of the announcement as being an anticipated “October Surprise” for the coming elections. “Well, he didn’t really last until October, now did he?” Bush quipped with reporters, “We finally got number one, and we’re looking forward to the next one… bring ’em on.”

The administration refused to answer questions as to how long Bin Laden had been in the custody of the unnamed foreign security agency, or what, if any information, Bin Laden had given up, citing security concerns.

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