Years ago I attended a talk by a friend of mine on the Feminist Anarchist Movement (she is part of the Women Studies crowd should have her Ph.D. by now). Near the beginning of her talk she mentioned that even in very liberal or anarchist movements the women were often relegated to getting the boys coffee. Even when they weren’t actively excluded, the women found it very hard to participate in the conversation. The discussion styles were male dominated and women had trouble joining in.
We were sitting at a meeting of mostly anarchist and feminists, led by a strong woman. The room was about 50/50 men and women and she had just mentioned that women often found it hard to talk in these kinds of forums. So I sat back and watched, to see how it would play out.
With the exception of the speaker herself, it turned out that men dominated about 90% of the conversation. None of the guys really did anything explicit to edge out the gals, they just jumped in when they thought it was appropriate and said what they wanted to say. The women in general were more polite and waited just a little longer to talk, and in general it didn’t.
The other thing I noticed was that it was really disturbing me to sit there and not say anything. I kept wanting to jump in the way I normally would, but I had decided to sit and watch for a little, and after that I felt guilty for my gender and couldn’t bring myself to talk so long as there was clearly a woman who wanted to as well. Needless to say there was always a women queued up to speak, but she rarely got the chance.
I have noticed similar issues at other times. Women who tell me that they want to talk about politics, but don’t feel that they know enough, or who just don’t feel like the “Old Boyz Club” will listen.
Men and women certainly have different conversation styles, and emphasize different parts of issues in conversation. To generalize it seems that women tend to talk about how issues affect them and their friends and men prefer the abstract, men are also more aggressive and women more cooperative.
This is a problem for Democrats and Progressives not just because we believe in equality (at least I hope we all do), but because there is a gender gap in politics which favors us. If we could help more women, especially single women, feel comfortable about politics and that they have a place at the table then we would win almost every election in the country.
One on one I have learned to have what I hope are more equal conversations. I can dampen my impulse to interrupt, and pause longer between thoughts. Sometimes so long I feel uncomfortable. But, when I try that in a group setting I find that I feel left out of the conversation and the women that my changed behavior is meant to benefit do not speak any more than they otherwise would.
Going the other direction if I feel that I am controlling the conversation, officially or unofficially, I can direct it towards the women in a group or towards topics I think they would prefer, but that doesn’t really work in a free flowing conversation.
I think that there are issues of style and substance. Both of which can encourage a more equal conversation, or even a female dominated one. In politics it seems to me that men need to learn to cede ground and women to claim it. What can we do to promote that in our political gatherings and on-line ramblings?
