Hillary Clinton is a fire pig. Fire Pigs are very lucky, with lots of friends.

Al Gore, on the other hand, is an Earth Rat. A dependable soul, who always pays attention to his loved ones.

If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m talking Chinese horoscopes. After all, this Sunday is Spring Festival, AKA Chinese New Year! Join me for lots of 2007 Chinese Horoscope Fun, with all of the Democratic candidates, below the fold.
In the Chinese zodiac, there are twelve animals, and depending on the year you were born, you are known as “that animal”. But the Chinese lunar calendar runs in a 60-year cycle, meaning that each animal appears four times. Each time the animal appears, it is paired with one of the four “elements”: earth, fire, water, and air. For example, I was born in 1977, the year of the Fire Snake.

You may have heard the news about the “golden pig”. This is a bit unrelated, and there’s actually some arguments in the Chinese astrological community about whether this is a golden Pig year or not.

But seeing as it’s Friday, and that my diary yesterday was a bit on the dark side, I thought I might bring some fun in here and analyze 2007 for each of the candidates, depending on their Chinese zodiac sign. And by analyze, I mean pick and choose among hilarious forecasts. Fortunately (for me), none of our candidates were born in January or February, which would have forced me to double check when the lunar year started.

Perhaps the fairest way to do this is from oldest to youngest. And that brings us to Mike Gravel, a metal horse.

Humility and kindness would ensure you enjoy your good fortune fully. Another advice for maximising your fortune is to be selective in your choices of projects or business deals so that nothing of inferior quality slows you down. The only drawback for the year is psychological – you may become complacent from time to time and the feeling of loneliness may creep in, too.

Next up is Joe Biden, born twelve years after Mr. Gravel in the year of the Water Horse, 1942.

A mixed year for Horses…Not a good year for great changes but rather for contemplating your future. During 2007, when in doubt or trouble others are prepared to be your safety net and benefactors abound. Go ahead and lean as hard as you need to and ask for assistance if necessary.

After Joe comes Wes Clark (and remember, Clarkies, I’m just reading the stars!) Wes is a Wooden Monkey.

Don’t be misled by all those favorable months — this is not likely to be a good or a bad year, but rather one with mixed results. You have unlucky stars around you. The key is to take full advantage of lucky months and bide your time during the rest.

(Wood tends to get burned by fire)

Next in line is Dennis Kucinich, a Fire Dog.

They view all of life through rose-colored glasses. Grays and beiges lead to momentary confusion. They don’t know how to deal with adversity and when confronting a mountain, will walk all around the foothills for hours before even getting started. This person’s life is filled with dichotomy. On the one hand, they know that hard work and effort will make things happen, but they sometimes accept the status quo. They dream of a bright future but wind up chasing windmills.

Next, and interestingly enough, we have both Bill Richardson and Hillary Clinton, both Fire Pigs, which means that 2007 will be a definitive year for both of them (as it is 60 years, a full cycle, after their birth). However, as we will see, it doesn’t always mean that it will be a great year.

The Pig does not always have the best luck in the Year of the Pig. You can encounter many frustrations and obstacles while trying to accomplish your goals. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though, or you may create too much stress in your body that could lead to infections or illness. Drink a lot of water to strengthen your kidneys and reduce the amount of sugar in your diet. On the bright side, the stars are shining brightly on both your love life and social life.

Next up is Al Gore, an Earth Rat. And this might be bad news for the Draft Gore folks.

2007’s Yin Fire brings “happiness and contentment” to those born into Yang Earth years (Earth Rat)…In 2007 it is time to solidify your position. If you have been wanting to make some changes in your present circumstances, go ahead and make plans but, hold off on moving residences or making major life changes just yet. Make the best of your present situation and consider that you may need to learn a particular lesson to progress. 2007 slows down the Rat’s hectic socializing schedule and more time will be enjoyed at home this year.

Tom Vilsack is next, and he will be thrilled to learn that Tigers tend to be the luckiest animals in the year of the pig. Tom Vilsack is, of course, a Metal Tiger. And the astrologers advise him to keep close to home, which is Iowa, of course.

Yin Fire brings opportunities to make beneficial changes to those born into Yang Metal years (Metal Tiger)…You’ll desire to stay closer to home this year and redecorating your abode would be enjoyable and uplifting. Appeal is the name of your game this year and in both personal relations and at work, others are powerfully drawn toward you. This passion poses some danger and yet, such delightful opportunity. Magnetism aside, avoid confrontations with Monkeys and Snakes. [That would be Clark and Edwards, btw]

Quite an endorsement!

John Edwards is next, and he is a Water Snake. Snakes are known as being handsome and very smart. Did I mention I was a snake, too? 2007 could be very promising for Mr. Edwards.

This Year of the Pig is a revolutionary one for the Snake. There is a chance for exceptionally good fortune this year. Snakes, overall, need to practice caution this year. However, there are some Snakes that need to be more careful than others. Any Snake who believes himself to be above harm, those Snakes who are in a medical profession, and those who are martial artists or work in a disciplinary field all need to exercise extreme caution in 2007. It looks as if 25% of Snakes will find themselves in very fortunate situations in this Year of Pig…If you wish to be one of the lucky Snakes, you need to step up to bat and take a swing.  No more sitting around waiting for good luck to find you!  This shouldn’t be too difficult as you have ruling stars within your constellation for half of the year. You need to settle any old debts.  If you owe money, pay it back. If you made a promise, keep it.  If there is an old grudge, clear it up. This is the first step to bringing fortune your way.

And last, but not least, is Barack Obama, a Metal Ox. And, somehow, 2007 is supposed to make him more handsome than he normally is. I’m not really sure how the fire pig can pull that off, but here’s the prediction.

Surprisingly, the majority of Oxen will have good fortune this year. Also, the majority of Oxen will find they are more eye-catching and charismatic to others in 2007 than normal. Why surprisingly?  Because within the Ox’s constellation there are far more unlucky stars than there are lucky stars.  Additionally, the lucky stars that do preside there are not any luckier than in previous years. So, why should Oxen prepare themselves for good fortune in the coming year? Instead of a major lucky star in the Ox’s constellation, there are many relatively minor lucky stars scattered all about.  It’s as if all of the king’s court is in attendance, only without the king.

So here’s your 2007 summary of the candidates-

  • Gravel needs to avoid feeling lonely
  • Joe Biden needs to think seriously about his future
  • Wes Clark needs to take advantage of good months
  • Dennis Kucinich needs to stop dueling with Windmills
  • Hillary Clinton and Bill Richardson need to brace for obstacles, and drink lots of water.
  • Al Gore can rearrange his furniture, but should hold off on major life changes.
  • Tom Vilsack should stay in Iowa.
  • John Edwards should settle his old debts.
  • Barack Obama needs to avoid being trapped by the mirror.

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone!

Chun Jie Kuai Le! Gong Xi Fa Cai!

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