With Republicans grumbling that Newt Gingrich shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the Republican National Convention and with (so far) no official Romney endorsements from Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and no concession from Ron Paul, there aren’t a whole lot of candidates to fill the primetime speaking slots. In 2008, the Democrats were able to create four nights of excitement and buzz at their convention. Let’s look back at each night and try to figure out who would be the equivalents for the GOP.

1st Night’s Principal Speakers
Caroline Bouvier Kennedy, author, attorney, and former First Daughter
Edward M. Kennedy, United States Senator from Massachusetts
Michelle Obama, attorney, public servant, and executive; wife of Barack Obama
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, congresswoman, Convention Chair

Who is the Republican equivalent of Caroline Kennedy? This would be a beloved (unelected) member of a well-respected Republican political family. How many Republican families still command respect? The Bush family is tarnished, although not beyond redemption. The Dole family wouldn’t fit the bill. Perhaps the Cheney family would do, because Michael Reagan isn’t getting near the podium and Ronnie’s other kids are Democrats. That leaves us a choice between Liz and Mary Cheney. Since Mary is openly lesbian, I kind of doubt she’d open the primetime ceremonies. I’m going with the charming Liz Cheney here.

Now, who is the Republican equivalent of Teddy Kennedy? This would be a very long-serving senator from a respected family who is tremendously popular with the base and a whipping boy for the other side. There simply isn’t anyone who fits that bill. The elder statesmen of the GOP caucus in the Senate are all hated by the base: Orrin Hatch, Dick Lugar, John McCain. I think the best they can do is Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. A more exciting option would be Marco Rubio, provided he isn’t on the ticket. Or, maybe, Scott Brown could use the boost for his campaign against Elizabeth Warren (a nod to the middle and a boost for Massachusetts-style conservatism). I’ll go with Rubio. So, here’s the first night lineup:

Liz Cheney
Marco Rubio
Ann Romney
John Boehner

2nd Night’s Principal Speakers
Hillary Rodham Clinton, United States Senator from New York, former Congressional and Carter administration lawyer, and former First Lady of the United States; runner-up for the 2008 Democratic nomination
Mark Warner, keynote speaker, former Virginia governor and candidate for United States Senate

The most obvious equivalent to Hillary Clinton would be Rick Santorum, if only because they both finished in second place. But Santorum hardly stacks up against Hillary. Laura Bush would make more sense, but they still have to figure out if her husband will be allowed within 300 miles of the convention. There’s no good answer here, and it’s hard to envision a Santorum speech that would be helpful, but I’ll give Santorum the slot by default.

The second slot should be filled by someone who is an up-and-comer. In 2004, it was Barack Obama. In 2008, it was Mark Warner. What’s the equivalent this time around? It could be a candidate for the U.S. Senate like Jeff Flake of Arizona or Heather Wilson of New Mexico or Josh Mandel of Ohio. I’ll go with Mr. Mandel.

So, here’s the second night lineup:

Rick Santorum
Josh Mandel

Can you feel the excitement?

3rd Night’s Principal Speakers
Joe Biden, United States Senator from Delaware and 2008 Democratic nominee for Vice President of the United States
Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States

Now we get to the heavy hitters. We open with the vice-presidential nominee, who I will assume to be Sen. Rob Portman of Ohio. Certainly, Romney could go for someone more exciting like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie or Marco Rubio of Florida. For now, I’ll go with the safe choice.

And who can compete with the Big Dog? Not George W. Bush. Not George H.W. Bush. Perhaps this is the slot for Jeb. Or, why not reach out to women and minorities in a token and insulting way? Let’s bet on Condoleeza Rice.

Here’s our awesome third night lineup:

Sen. Rob Portman
Condoleeza Rice

4th Night’s Principal Speakers
Al Gore, 45th Vice President of the United States
Barack Obama, United States then-Senator from Illinois

And here we face limited choices. Will it be John McCain or Dick Cheney? I think McCain retains slightly more good will and we already had a Cheney speak on the first night.

So, here’s the lineup for the final night:

John McCain
Mitt Romney

Let’s do one more thing here. Let’s compare the likely lineups of the Republican vs. the Democratic speakers this year.

1st Night’s Principal Speakers
Liz Cheney
Marco Rubio
Ann Romney
John Boehner

Chelsea Clinton
John Kerry
Michelle Obama
Nancy Pelosi

2nd Night’s Principal Speakers

Rick Santorum
Josh Mandel

Hillary Clinton
Elizabeth Warren

3rd Night’s Principal Speakers

Sen. Rob Portman
Condoleeza Rice

Joe Biden
Bill Clinton

4th Night’s Principal Speakers
John McCain
Mitt Romney

Al Gore
Barack Obama

Which set of speakers seems better suited to excite the base and win over the middle? Which set of speakers indicates a healthy party and which set demonstrates a party in fatal decline?

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