NOTICE: The following is a work of SATIRE. If you don’t like satire that addresses police shootings of unarmed black men, or feel that this subject is inappropriate for satirical treatment, then please do not read it.
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Dear Gentlemen of Color, Gang Members, Delinquents, Crack Addicts, Unemployed Welfare Cheats and Other Male Members of the African American Race:
It has come to our attention that many of you have a “lack of respect” for your betters problem, and by betters we mean officers of the law, whether we are members of local, state or federal law enforcement agencies. This lack of respect for our authority, and for the heavy responsibility to keep the peace that is our primary mission, has often led to confrontations between a number of young (and older) black males and law enforcement personnel. Regrettably, a significant number of such incidents each year invariably result in bodily harm or death to those of you who have failed act appropriately in our presence.
This series of unfortunate incidents has caused great grief, emotional suffering and trauma, especially among our most trusted and dedicated public servants, that is to say, our fellow law enforcement officials. We are the front line of America’s Justice System, officers of the law entitled to use deadly force for the protection of the public. Even though we understand that sometimes the use of deadly force is unavoidable, we feel our pain whenever we are forced to make the ultimate decision necessary to serve and protect your community.
Therefore, as a public service to all of you in the Black Community – especially you hotheads and activist types and outside agitators trying to stir up resentment against American heroes – and in the sincere desire of fostering a more congenial attitude (on your part) during your next ‘stop and frisk’ by your friendly neighborhood police officer, we offer you the following rules, or guidelines if you prefer, to help ensure that your next experience with the law enforcement community does not end in your untimely death.
Rule No. One: Never Disrespect The Uniform.
The uniform we wear is a symbol of truth, justice and the American way. It stands for all that is good and right in our country. Those who wear the uniform don it proudly, with humility and understanding of the people we are pledged to protect. Disrespect our uniform and you disrespect not only the person wearing it, but your country and its system of laws.
Disrespect may take many forms, from cursing, failure to obey lawful orders issued by a police officer – or not obeying them in the proper manner expected by the police officer. It goes without saying that talking on your cellular phone while ignoring lawful commands is a big no-no.
There are many ways in which you may disrespect the uniform. A full accounting of all of them is not possible here, but in most circumstances it is always safest if you lower your head in a submissive manner, speak only when spoken to and then exhibit the highest standards of courtesy when responding. This may or may not avoid all incidents in which deadly force may be used against you, but it can’t hurt.
Rule No. Two: Keep Your Hands In Sight At all Times.
How hard can following this rule be? Yet, it continues to amaze many of us how often you people insist on moving your hands about in an aggressive manner, or using them to compulsively reach into your waistband or your pockets when stopped by the police.
This is a very simple rule to follow if you just remember the following mantra: “Just Say No to The Hands.”
Rule No. Three: Do Not Reach For Our Weapons.
Trust us on this one. You reach for our guns and we will shoot you. And trust us on this point as well: we know when you are reaching for our guns better than you.
Rule No. Four: Your Mental or Physical Disability is No Excuse to Act Out.
However, just because you’re a whack job is never a good reason to talk back to us or resist a lawful arrest. Neither is any other medical condition. Don’t blame us if you’re too fat or have poor health and we’re required to use necessary force to make you comply.
Rule No. Five: Do Not Run Away From Us. Period.
Believe it or not, we don’t like having to shoot you people. We would much prefer that you stand still and take your beating like a man. But if you insist on running away, the decision is taken out of our hands. How do we know you aren’t armed? How do we know you don’t have super-strength and therefore pose a danger to yourself and others? Trust us we don’t like having to shoot you in the back. It makes us look bad. So don’t run. Bullets are still faster than your legs, regardless of what your genes tell you.
Hopefully, following these five simple rules may save your life or the life of someone you care about. Obviously, we are doing everything in our power to keep you from choosing to lead the thug life, but there is only so much we can do if you decide to follow the wrong path. Everyone has to make difficult choices in our lives. We suggest you start making better ones, so we don’t have to suffer the consequences of your poor decisions. Have a good day.
Law Enforcement Officers Everywhere
Ps. Obviously, all bets are off if you are holding or carrying a weapon, or anything we can reasonably believe may be a weapon. Then you are just shit out of luck. And we always act very reasonably in the performance of our duties.