This is not my idea—credit is due to my friend and fellow bass player Sean Dorn—but I have an actual modest proposal for the “Willing to Die” conservatives, including Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick (aged 63), Glenn Beck (aged 56), Brit Hume (aged 76), whoever this dipshit is, and so on.

If you’re waiting for me to say something like “go on TV and show us how it’s done,” you’re going to be disappointed.

My question is this: if all you older conservative commentators “are willing to die to save the American economy,” why are you not volunteering at COVID-19 wards already?

FEMA is understaffed. The country’s nurses are exhausted and frustrated. It’s a huge mess, no matter how you look at it.

So if you are willing to put YOUR life on the line as you claim, why are you not lending a hand, Glenn Beck?

Brit Hume, I’m sure you have something to offer besides your unnecessary opinion.

Lieutenant Governor Patrick, your state has a weak governor system. You are probably almost wholly unnecessary in the state house right now, and you announced on television for the world to see that “if that’s the exchange, I’m all in.”

Receding hairline guy, if your law firm is so slow that you have time to dick around on Twitter all day, you have time to help some patients, maybe with last wills and bequests.

And since you’re willing to die for America, you won’t have to use any of the masks, PPEs, and other equipment that are in such short supply for first responders and health care workers.

Here’s your chance to walk your talk, save America’s economy for future generations, and help some of the younger, fitter people (including children) that are winding up in emergency rooms because of your president’s failure to protect us from a deadly pandemic disease. You might die, but you might not—either way, you’d be living up to your stated ideals and making a REAL contribution to mitigating the impact of the disease and treating patients.

Unless you’re full of shit. You’re not full of shit, are you? Say it ain’t so…

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