I know the NYTs has gone to subscription service for their columnists. So after reading Maureen Dowd today, I just had to give you guys some clips. (I should be working, but what the heck). It is hilarious.
She writes a column about Harriet Miers “love letters” to President Bush. Starts off quoting the real birthday card she sent the President back when she was the head Lottery ball-drawing official. “Best Governor Ever.”
And then she launches into a series of imagined missives (that Dowd sourced to leakers Scooter and Karl) from Harry to Bushie. I post some of them after the flip:
“Thank you so much for letting me bundle up and drag away the brush that you cut down today. And if I might add, Sir, I’ve never seen a man wield the nippers so judiciously. It was awesome! You are the best brush cutter ever!!”
“I found out today that you handed down a decision for the White House to offer three different kinds of jelly with its PB&J sandwiches. Sweet!! As you know, I’m the only member of the staff who eats three meals a day in the mess. Now I get to have a different type of jelly at every meal! The mess is blessed to have a president who cares so much.”
— snip —
“I was worried that it could go unstated in the rush of business around here, but I just wanted to pause and say how amazing it is that, after doing so much for the American people already, you keep showing up for work most days. We have come, buy you choose to. You’re the hardest-working president ever!!”
“I’m not sure Condi has made the time to thank you herself, so I just wanted to say how much we appreciated the tickets to ‘Madame Butterly’ on Saturday night. I wore my long black robe — I mean, opera cape. I just wish it had that song from “The Sound of Music” — “I know you love it, too — ‘Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels….’ You’re one of my favorite things, sir!”
“Just a quick note to say how cool it is that you picked Brownie to head FEMA. There’s nothing like having someone you know and trust in a top job. Your gut is the best judge ever!!”
“There is no other president who would have had the courage to allow torture, dude! (It’s only too bad that Abu Ghraib rules out Alberto’s chances of getting on the Supreme Court.) You are the best torturer ever!! xo, H.”
— snip —
I’ve half a mind to come down there [to Carwford whilst President is taking long vacation Harriet recommended] myself and chase that witch, Cindy Sheehan, off your property with an injunction!! Yours, with you in Christ, Harriet.”
“In all this fuss about that bad-girl buttinsky Katrina, no one else seems to have noticed — not even Karen — that you’ve achieved your bold vision of losing that seven pounds. That extra week of mountain biking was so much more important than people realize. You’re the most chiseled commander in chief ever, and the most rad guitar player ever!!”
“How can I thank you, Sir? I never expected the Supreme Court. Phat! I hope Clarence doesn’t make me watch “Debbie Does Dallas’ again. That movie is so anti-Texas! I miss you already!!
“But now I will be able to serve your interests — and those of your family — forever and ever. If there’s another recount you need help with, count on me. They say I don’t have experience, but I’ve had the experience of polishing the boots of the wisest ruler since Solomon. I may not know stare decisis, but I know when to be starry-eyed. I await your instructions, Master.”
Is it just me, or has the level of open derision gone through the roof?