Al-Qaeda in Iraq Releases Embarrassing Video of Bush Fumbling Football
Still capture from purported Bush “nuclear fumble” incident CLICK TO ENLARGE
Tehran, Iran (APE) – Just one day after the US released an embarrassing video of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi fumbling with an automatic weapon, purportedly captured in a raid near Baghdad, Al-Jazeera , today in Iran, released an undated video of President Bush fumbling the “nuclear football”. A spokesperson for Al-Jazeera stated that Iranian experts had authenticated the video obtained from anonymous sources connected to Al-Qaeda in Iraq.
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White House sources vehemently denied the authenticity of the disturbing video. They maintained that the concept of the “nuclear football” had been retired years ago thanks to the advent of “Blackberry” and cell phone technology. Apparently nuclear annihilation is linked to a voice recognition speed dial setup in which the president only has to utter the phrase “nuke” followed by the country of his choosing.
The White House also stated that the faked “fumble video” was further evidence of the technological sophistication still available to Al-Qaeda in Iraq and the degree of desperation to which they are willing to pursue to win over hearts and minds in a war which continues to go badly. They cited the recent convincing performance of a Bush imitator at the annual White House Press correspondent’s dinner. “It’s incredibly easy to find a look-alike actor to portray absolutely anyone in a propaganda video.”
White House sources praised the find of the Al-Zarqawi video yesterday, and stated that it should “go a long way towards redefining the myth of Al-Qaeda’s Iraq connection before we eventually capture or kill him.”
Bush Vows to Overturn Clinton Foundation’s “No Child Fat Behind” Initiative
Bush claims new agreement a threat to America’s “energy security”
Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush fought back sharply today against what he described as “misguided strong-arming of American corporations” by former President Clinton. He stated that America was a country of choice, free will, and personal responsibility, and that this extended even to middle school and elementary school children. His remarks came on the heels of an announcement yesterday of a brokered agreement achieved by former President Clinton with the country’s major soft drink manufacturers that would allow for the banning of sales of sodas and other high sugar content drinks in public schools.
“While I think that former President Clinton probably meant no harm,” stated Bush, “this agreement is both unneeded and overly punitive to American soft drink manufacturers. I have heard the complaints from the manufacturers of Coca-Cola and Pepsi, and Archer Daniels.”
Bush went on to explain that unintended consequences of the deal would affect corn production, and thus corn syrup and sugar in the US. He stated that this would have the further effect of diverting too much corn production into the fledgling alternative energy programs, making ethanol production much too cheap and ruining its profitability.
Bush also stated that the agreement threatened corporate sponsorships and financial supports for his controversial “No Child Left Behind” educational reform initiatives. Bush’s program has long been criticized as an unfunded mandate, and soft drink sales to elementary and middle schoolers along with critical market exposure were expected to provide needed financial backing to the program.
“We have entirely too many children taking drugs such as Ritalin to help them cope with school,” stated Bush. “Caffeine is a much cheaper and more readily administered substitute. Sending the message to children at such an early age that they have no choice in the matter is just wrong. How else will they learn the concept of personal responsibility?”
Bush concluded by saying that there would be a planned emergency meeting of Senate and House Republican leadership later today to draft legislation as quickly as possible to address the perceived crisis.
May 3 “Day with Cannabis” Marchers Disappointed by the Millions As Mexico’s Fox Backs Down
Crowds in Tijuana turn out for “Amerijuanos” marchers.
Mexico City, Mexico (Rotters) – As millions of potential immigrants and marijuana legalization supporters massed in Los Angeles and marched to Tijuana in support of the legalization of small quantities of marijuana, cocaine, and heroin in Mexico, Mexican President Vicente Fox disappointed them by refusing to sign into law the legislation that he and his party had originally pushed through Congress. The legislation was met with opposition in northern tourist towns such as Tijuana where authorities feared a flood of new tourists and possibly new immigrants from America.
The crowd of “Amerijuanos” assembled at the starting point in downtown Los Angeles was estimated at over one million.
The fears of the Tijuana authorities appeared to be justified if the turnout for the spontaneous May 3 “Day with Cannabis” march was any indication. Authorities in Los Angeles stated that estimates topped over a million participants. Marchers were described by authorities as multicultural and peaceful. “Almost too peaceful.” stated one law enforcement authority.
The numbers of “Amerijuanos” had dwindled to the tens of thousands by the time that they entered Tijuana
By the time marchers had been bused to Tijuana and reassembled, their numbers had dropped into the tens of thousands. Mexican authorities again described the marchers as peaceful and fairly well received by the community, although a number of Mexican counter protesters could be seen.
Mexican counter protestors on the rooftops of Tijuana buildings
Organizers stated that they have named themselves “Amerijuanos”, and plans are in the works for future marches in California and Texas as well as other states which border upon Mexico. These marches come on the heels of high turnouts on May 1 of Mexican immigrants protesting American legislation designed to further criminalize and tighten illegal immigration.
ATijuana citizen greets “Amerijuanos” marchers
It was rumored that President Fox had caved to pressure from the Bush administration at the last minute in refusing to sign into law the decriminalization legislation. “In our country the possession of drugs and their consumption are, and will continue to be, crimes,” stated a spokesperson for the DEA.
