My fellow Americans
After spending nearly 400 billion dollars ousting Saddam and the Taliban, eradicating al Qaeda and other international terrorist organizations and creating a Model for future Middle East Democracies in Iraq, after vastly improving the lives of the Iraqi people by turning on their electricity and water service, creating a safe and secure environment for them to pursue their lives, rebuilding their schools and hospitals and other critical infrastructure and after getting their oil flowing freely to the export markets, to enable their return to national solvency, you might think that they would be grateful.
But no, last week they returned to their old ways, proving that Iraq is still the center of the axis of evil just as Dick and Rummy and Wolfie and Me and Turd Blossom have said from the beginning.
Now this is hard work, in other words we’ve been working hard to defeat the haters, the evil ones, I like to call them the Islamo-fascists. The ones who hate freedom.
We have made good progress, why, some Iraqis are still scrubbing that purple ink off their thumbs and as Dick (I call him Mister President) likes to say, the insurgents were in their last throes, in other words they were like a pitcher in the sixth inning after too many fast balls, their arms were tired. Why you could go out for dinner and a movie almost anywhere in the Green Zone.
As soon as we turned our backs, as soon as we took a deep breath and a well deserved short break before we began taking our American largesse, I like to call it our Great Ship of Freedom, into the desert in Iran and give the Iranites the same opportunities we gave the Iraqis, or the Afghanians or that the Israelians are even now graciously giving to the Lebanalese, the Iraqis struck again.
Just as they did in the days and months leading up to the attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11, there they are again, planning and plotting with al Qaeda to bring down dozens of our airliners over the Atlantic.
And, as some uninformed people at that time, I like to call them Democrats, tried to lay a large portion of the blame for 9/11 on the Saudis, many of the same voices are now being raised against them again, along with another of our most stalwart allies in the war on the evil ones, the Pakistanians.
When will these people understand that the Saudis are our friends, why, their fathers and grandfathers went to college with ours in Texas for God’s sake, we were associates in the oil business before Saddam did his first contract killing. The Saudis learned the ins and outs of oil exploration and exploitation at the University of Texas studying the magic of the Texas Railroad Commission just as we did. I appreciate the Saudis, they work hard, they’re entrepreneurs, like me and Mist… the Vice President.
And the Pakistanians, they’re our closest ally in the war on terror, they’ve been hunting Osama and his henchmen everywhere they aren’t for years, just as diligently, just as tirelessly as OJ hunts Nicole’s real killer on the golf courses of Florida. They are always just one step behind him. If that guy slips, they’ll be on him like a pair of wet Frye boots.
We didn’t spend 400 billion dollars in Iraq and Afghanistan fighting Islamic Fascism, and building shining pillars of Arab democratic opportunity, and more hundreds of millions in Indiana, Iowa, Wisconsin and a score of other good, God fearing, “Red States” protecting truck stops, skating rinks, and petting zoos, to turn around and hurl blame and insults at our friends the Saudis or the Pakistanians. America is true to our friends, in other words we’re loyal to the hand that feeds us.
No, the main problem has always been Iraq, they had weapons of mass destruction and proven ties to al Qaeda, and, they tried to kill my Daddy, and now that we’ve managed to eliminate Saddam and insure that Iraqi oil will stay in the ground for awhile, we face still more dangers with Ahmadinejad in Iran, and his Hezbollah hirelings in Beirut, which is in Lebanon, these are countries with leaders who we know have worked closely with al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden and other evil ones.
We have the evidence. The Pre.. Dick showed it to me, in other words, I’ve seen it. It’s being guarded by six Patriotic American Oil Company Executives around the clock. Those guys work hard, they’re entrepreneurs too, and they’re in Dicks office all the time.
This evidence is highly classified and locked safely in Dick Cheney’s office safe next to our secret comprehensive national energy policy, and the secret plan to save social security, right there next to the secret maintenance schedule for the Alaskan Pipeline.
Dicks got all this stuff, Turd Blossom’s got a lot of stuff too, I like to call it political capital, and we’ll bring it out at the appropriate time, in other words, when it’s timely, like in October. Heh,heh.