Couples, Communication and Caring ©

In a nation where forty plus, fifty, or sixty percent of marriages end in divorce, [depending who whose statistics you trust] the topic of companionship and connections is a must.  In a country where many are separated, where children are left alone, and families are not intact, the quality of relationships is a necessary consideration.  This week, the New York Times addressed this concern in two articles, Marriage Is Not Built on Surprises and Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.  I, as many do, have an active interest in this matter.

Yesterday, I spoke with an acquaintance.  She seems to be happy in her current relationship; she says she is.  I remember when her beau was a source of great stress.  Jess was involved in his work and Lisa wanted him to be concerned with her.  She tried and tried to change what was.  Lisa turned to other men; Jess was upset.  Still, transformation was slow in coming.  The relationship came and went, repeatedly.  Now the two are one, or are they?  
In my conversation with Lisa last evening, I learned Jess is planning to move in to Lisa’s home.  She is elated.  They spend their night’s together daily.  I was told, “All is well.”  Yet, Lisa is distressed.  Work is her worry.  When with Jess, she does not mention her personal struggles.  She pretends everything is just fine.  Lisa labors long hours.  She is miserable in her job.  Lisa took this position for money was a problem.  It still is though she is surviving.  When with Jess, this lovely lady does not let on.  

Every night, Lisa dashes to the grocery store immediately after she clocks out.  All within a single hour, she drives home quickly, cooks, showers, dresses for dinner and then awaits her love.  He arrives promptly; they dine together and “talk.”  He knows not; her life is a whirlwind.  She says nothing.  She is content to share his company.

I wonder; will his “caring” companionship be enough as time goes on. I acknowledge that life is made up of so much more than the little things.  My own experience tells me that what might seem small when left unattended swells.

I know this for I too have stayed silent when I needed or wanted to speak.  I did not, do not wish to be known by those I was or am most intimate with.  The gentlemen I yearned to share my life with are or were the ones I feared most.  There was nothing frightening about these men.  Actually, they were each sensitive souls.  The reason for my apprehension, I am not fully comfortable when in a warm personal male/female relationship.  I am anxious, thinking of the inevitable separations.  I am concerned.  Will I lose myself?  

There seem to be so many expectations and obligations.  Additionally, on perhaps above all, I recall my parents’ divorce.  It occurred ten days after their twentieth anniversary.  I was eight at the time of their initial separation.  The memory lives large.  I can recount the conversation that seemingly caused my Mom to leave.  I remember it as though it took place minutes ago.  My Mom attests to my account. Divorce, that reality runs deep.

Among the 221.1 million people aged 15 and over in the United States in 2000:

120.2 million, or 54.4 percent, were now married;

41.0 million, or 18.5 percent, were widowed, divorced or separated; and

59.9 million, or 27.1 percent, were never married.  
Marital Status From Census 2000. Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Census 2000 questionnaire.

Nevertheless, much as it confuses me, hard as I worked to stay safe and far away from entangling emotional connections, my relationships were and are close.  I was and am fortunate.  The men in my life are extremely communicative and desirous of knowing who I am, what I think, feel, do, and want.  They asked.  They listened to my answers.  They accepted my thinking, and most of all they appreciated me.  In the present, the same is true.  Caring, calm, complete communication; what a concept!  It is a strange construct to many; perchance alien to most.

I recognize that when a problem exists it is because, I [or they] do not speak directly.  I or we hide what hurts or what we fear will prompt rejection.  Consistently I am reminded that if I speak faithfully with sensitivity there is empathy and understanding.  I have ample reason to believe communication and authentic care make a huge difference in the quality of what comes.  Still, I struggle, [as does Lisa.]

Much as I resist, the gents I have known encouraged me to speak of everything.  The one in my life now does the same.  Typically, this is what I do; I tell all, unless the threat of a fully intimate rapport grabs me.  Then I run, or at least I close my mouth.  

For whatever reason, there are those that wish to be part of my daily life, just as I believe Jess wishes to be part of Lisa’s life.  They accept me as I am, though I do not often truly appreciate myself.  Might this be true in Lisa’s relationship?

Recently, I was told I could be myself fully, be free to do as I already do.  I would not need to cater to the other and sacrifice my own time and efforts.  Could this possibly be?  Will the prospect last?  Conceivably, Lisa heard similar statements.

Might I again review what is truth for most and was for me?  I recall Lisa was married once before.  She was braver than I.  Lisa may be hesitant now.  As an adult, she lived what I avoided.  I felt what she did as a child.  We both suffered through our divorces,

The Effects of Divorce on America,
By Patrick Fagan and Robert Rector

More and more social scientists are concluding that divorce is hurting American society and devastating the lives of children.

American society may have erased the stigma that once accompanied divorce, but it can no longer ignore divorce’s massive effects. As social scientists track successive generations of American children whose parents have ended their marriages, the data are leading even some once-staunch supporters to conclude that divorce is hurting American society and devastating children’s lives. Its effects are obvious in family life, educational attainment, job stability, income potential, physical, and emotional health, drug use, and crime.

Each year, over one million American children suffer as their parents divorce. Moreover, half of all children born in wedlock this year will see their parents divorce before reaching their eighteenth birthday. This fact alone should give policymakers and those whose careers focus on children reason for pause.

Social science research is showing that the effects of divorce continue into adulthood and affect the next generation of children as well. If the effects are indeed demonstrable, grave, and long lasting, then something must be done to protect children and the nation from these consequences. Reversing the effects of divorce will entail nothing less than a cultural shift in attitude, if not a cultural revolution, because society still embraces divorce in its laws and popular culture, sending out myriad messages that “it’s okay.”

It is not.  Mounting evidence in the annals of scientific journals details the plight of the children of divorce. It clearly indicates that divorce has lasting effects which spill over into every aspect of life.

I sigh as I read, reflect, and relate.  Some say counseling is the cure for what may ail a couple.  Premarital therapy will quell the rising trend.  Others think prenuptial agreements will counter that oft expressed quandary of financial concerns.  Many think sex before the wedding will indicate whether or not a couple is compatible.

I believe what is a concern does not occur only during matrimony.  I observe that numerous individuals do as I sometimes do.  They speak indirectly, if at all.  What causes people the greatest pain is not knowing, not feeling understood, being ignored, or ignorance of feelings.  Those we are fond of are frequently the last to know what is within us.  For me, caring, calm, casual, clear, and complete communication is the only treatment for what troubles today’s couples.

I recall an essay I read in Psychology Today as a child.  The authors focused on how well we truly know the ones we claim to love.  They noted how little was said, how much went unspoken.  I never forgot the treatise.  However, it seems obvious, many failed to memorize the authors’ message, or they never read it.  Since my youth, the permanency of partnerships plummets.  People physically unite; yet, they do not allow themselves to be together.  They talk and never say much.

The New York Times realizes that this topic is no less a concern than it was decades ago.  This periodical appeals to its readers.  Please peruse this short and sweet article. Those that need this offering most may have missed it.  I share it here for your assessment, Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.

I invite you to comment, to tell your story, and express your experience.  We all have much to learn.

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1. Have we discussed whether to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2. Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement, on who will manage the chores?
4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences, and fears?
7. Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10. Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11. Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12. What does my family do that annoys you?
13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15. Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Hmmm?  Have you discussed these issues with your mate, your partner, the person you call your pal.  Do you dare?  What will happen if you communicate authentically?  Might the dynamics of your relationship change?  Oh no, could divorce be on the horizon!?

I wonder, why do so few of us share sincerely with those we sleep with?

Meeting of the Minds, Bodies, Heart and Soul, Sources . . .