In his response to the resignation of AG Alberto Gonzales today, President Bush intends to declare a recess appointment of himself as Attorney General of the United States.
Asked why he would take such a strange course of action, he explained that even having a wingnut like Ashcroft as AG meant he wouldn’t ALWAYS get what he wanted. He then explained that the problem with nominating someone incompetent like Gonzales to heed his every word at justice is that incompetent people tend to be incompetent, which sometimes gets them into trouble.
He then went on to explain that he trusted himself best to uphold his laws, and if you don’t you’re probably a terrorist. He then cited executive privileged without making it clear what he was claiming executive privilege from.
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Asked if this move was legal under the constitution, he reminded the press that Congress has made it clear that it does not intend to enforce that document at this time. He was also quoted as saying “neener neener” while sticking out his tongue.
Asked for comment, Dick Cheney declared himself immune from comment, explaining that since his office is neither part of the executive nor legislative branches, he practically doesn’t exist and holds no position (technically) that would give him cause to comment.
Senator Patrick Leahy, head of the judiciary committee, demanded hearings and justification but provided the President with the remainder of his term to hand over documents relating to his justification for self-nomination, adding “or else”. Senator Harry Reid complained that as AG, Bush would make him look bad, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called criticism that she should consider holding a vote on impeachment “preposterous”, adding that it was absolutely off the table.
On the Republican side, for reasons unclear at this time, Senator Stevens of Alaska threatened to quit the Senate, before clarifying that he was angry AG Bush hadn’t declared Alaska’s delegation immune from laws yet. Asked which laws he expected to be immune from, he responded “in general”. Senator Jim Inhoffe declared this move a necessary measure in the fight against the fight against global warming. Senator David Vitter could not be reached for comment, at his home or any of the whorehouses he is known to frequent.
UPDATE: President Bush has just announced that he will be transferring the priorities of the civil rights department of Justice to now focus on cases in which racial profiling was not used, but should have been. He also plans to arrest Cindy Sheehan, because “she’s really annoying”.
