Dear George,
I hope you don’t mind me calling you by your first name, but since I’m told you’re a guy whom Americans would feel really comfortable having a beer or two with (even though you don’t drink anymore, right?), and because you hail from the great state of Texas where people don’t mess around with all those stupid rules of protocol and etiquette, I just thought you wouldn’t mind a little informality.
You see, George, I’m with you on this democracy promotion thing of yours. I know it’s been a tough sell with the Iraqi people to date, and our Army, Navy, Marine Corps and even a few Air Force folks have been tied down for the last four years trying to make chicken soup out of the chicken shit that all the death, violence, ethnic cleansing, and the failure to rebuild infrastructure, supply adequate health care, clean water and electricity (not to mention the massive refugee crisis) over there has created, but I know your heart’s in the right place. And as it just so happens, I think there’s another little old country in Asia that could really benefit from your “democracy promotion by any means necessary” foreign policy. The country in question? Burma, or as some of the locals call it (though God knows why they get to name their own country, for chrissakes) Myanmar.
Ya see, George, the military in Burma has been ruling Burma/Myanmar for decades now, and the one time they held a free and open election they refused to recognize the will of the people, and then they put the winning candidate under house arrest, permanently. I guess when you have a 400,000 strong military that owns all the guns in the country (and all the tanks, grenades, bombs, missiles, fighter jets, etc.) it’s not that hard to keep you’re grip on power, if you get my drift.
Nonetheless, it seems a bunch of non-violent Buddhist monks, the greatest moral authority in a country which is devoutly religious (and I know how you love “people of faith,” right?) decided to take on the military dictatorship and lead marches and protests against the General’s unlawful, murderous and freedom hating regime. I mean, what could be more inspiring than thousands of monks taking to the streets, risking their lives to bring freedom to their countrymen and women. Sort of tugs at your liberty loving heart if you know what I mean.
Except for one big problem: the military junta that holds power apparently has no shame. They went ahead and ordered their troops to kill the monks, and any civilian supporters in order to crush this fledgling pro-democracy movement. Thousands of people are being massacred according to government officials who have defected because they couldn’t go through with their orders to participate in the killing of their fellow citizens.
I know, as a good old boy, freedom spreading, red blooded American “Leader of the Free World”, this has to just really crisp your bacon to pure carbonite. Now, I know things might be a little tight as far as sending in the “regular” troops to resolve this situation. We already have most of them tied down in Afghanistan fighting Al Qaeda, and in Iraq, fighting Al Qaeda, and by God getting ready to fight that Islamofascist, Holocaust denying, American soldier murdering, Hitler wannabe in Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (who as I understand it, from statements made by officials in your administration, supports the Taliban and is in cahoots with all sorts of other evildoers, like Al Qaeda, who are bent on world domination and the death of all Americans). So I get that now might not be the best time to be asking you for a favor on behalf of the Burmese people.
But that’s the beauty of my plan to fight the evil freedom hating military dictatorship in Burma/Myanmar, which once I explain it in all its glorious details, I’m sure you will agree is simply pure genius. Now I know that as a devotee of free enterprise, you’ve been a big proponent of outsourcing government jobs like providing security in Iraq to companies like Blackwater who don’t necessarily have to play by all the piddly, wimpy rules of engagement that often tie our soldiers up in knots trying so hard to prevent collateral damage to so-called innocent civilians.
And despite that little brouhaha that the press is making such a big stink about involving the deaths of a bunch of likely terrorists by Blackwater’s employees who were just doing their jobs like they were trained to do, I know you still support them to the hilt. Why you even had your State Department weenies running cover for them and advising them on how to deal with the occasional “indiscretions” which are bound to occur in a country as dangerous as Iraq.
Indeed, I know you must be really happy with their work, because you had the Pentagon award them another new contract just last week for $92 million to “fly Department of Defence passengers and cargo between locations around central Asia.” So you must really trust these guys with the lives of some of our most important officials. Which brings me to my great idea for bringing democracy to Burma (or Myanmar, if the locals insist after we liberate them).
Send in Blackwater to take out the military junta! I know the higher ups in Blackwater would love to have such a high profile mission like this (and the profits that would go with it, naturally) to carry out your policy of spreading democracy around the globe. It would also be a great chance to show how just effective the free market can be when given the chance to fill in for our regular troops, while at the same time re-establishing America’s credibility as a force for good in the world (and I bet it wouldn’t hurt your approval rating either). Why it might even get the Democrats in Congress to stop criticizing your good pal Rush Limbaugh’s “phony soldiers” faux pas the other day. And I’m sure Blackwater would be more than willing to kickback some of that money legally give Republicans even more campaign contributions in support of your and your party’s agenda.
In any event, I hope you will give my idea for “Operation Burmese Freedom” as much consideration as it is entitled to. And don’t worry, all my intelligence sources are telling me that that the defeat of the Burmese military and their evil dictators is a “slam dunk.” You wouldn’t even have to divert any of our precious military assets to accomplish this combat misssion, saving them for the continuing “Surge” or the always anticipated “Showdown With Iran.” A “win-win” as they say. I bet those monks and the common folk would even greet us (uh, technically it would be Blackwater’s employees, but I think you could take most of the credit, don’t you?) as liberators with flowers and hosannas (this time).
Very truly yours in spreading democracy the best way America knows how (whether through the discrete application of military force by our “official” military forces or by mercenaries private security contractors),
Steven D
